Everyone else is eating cheese (image by graur razvan ionut)

I am a pretty awkward person. I make awkward jokes and references to things nobody else understands, and then I laugh at them alone. On Friday I was at the bank next to my office where I go to deposit my whopping free-lance checks during lunch, and the teller tried to chat me up. I drool over him every time I go in there, partially because he is a fox (he looks some sort of juicy middle-eastern ethnicity), and because he is rocking a wedding ring so that makes him completely off limits. So he starts making small talk. Probably he was just being friendly, but it made me nervous anyways. “So you work around here?” he said. “yes, do you?” I responded. To THE BANK TELLER. He then looked at me like I had something hanging out of my nose. (I probably did.)

Right before that, as I was heading out to do my bank errands/make an ass out of myself in front of saucy teller, my boss reminded me to be back by 2:30 as we are having Flying Saucers for a coworker’s birthday. “Great, I won’t miss that!” I said. “Even though I will just be standing around awkwardly while you all eat your ice-cream and repetitively ask why I am not partaking!” I continued. “Veganism is so socially awkward sometimes,” I finished. Luckily, my boss laughed (she at least pretends I am funny).

Real talk: Unless I am surrounded by other vegans, I usually feel sort of awkward turning down food. I do it anyways, but usually I feel a bit of judgement coming my way. I have found that veganism makes people nervous, as if I am judging them–I am not, I swear! I don’t sit around saying “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO PIGS/WHAT IS IN YOUR MILK/HOW MANY BYCATCH SEA CREATURES DIE SO YOU CAN EAT THAT SPICY TUNA ROLL?” so I hate when I hear “but like, how do you get your protein/no wonder you’re so skinny/What about cheese?!”

So, yeah, office food parties are always awkward for me. I have only been here about 4 months, so I wonder what will happen in April when my birthday rolls around–assuming I last that long and don’t get fired because of the contents of my browser history (Friday on my lunch break I spent 40 minutes reading up on gimps and BDSM for my gimp post…). What? I was on lunch!

Any other vegans ever feel awkward about their vegan status? I want to hear your awkward vegan moments! Or just awkward moments in general…I once tried to get a pen out of my purse in class and accidentally flung a tampon at the boy next to me. It hit him in the face.

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A new study by OkCupid.com reveals that twitter fanatics may have shorter relationships. Also, the relationships of older users who are also frequent tweeters have an even shorter lifespan!

OkCupid notes: Frequent tweeters have shorter real-life relationships than everyone else, probably via some bit.ly hack. Unfortunately, we have no way to tell who’s dumping who here; whether the twitterati are more annoying or just more flighty than everyone else. 

The site got its info by polling thousands of their members of all ages. Another startling revelation gathered from the same poll? Those who twitter daily are more likely to masturbate (probably because their relationship is failing?).

Those who spend a ton of time tweeting may have shorter relationships due to short attention spans (only 140 characters, please!), or perhaps they are spending more time at the desk and less time investing in their relationships. What do twitter and masturbation have in common? #Immediate gratification with minimal effort.

Check out OkCupid’s collage of sex trend charts here. Also included is the chart that depicts vegetarians enjoy performing oral sex more than non vegetarians (probably because we taste better) with an accompanying list of veg-friendly sex slang, including:

  • Peeling the banana
  • Tossing the salad
  • Squeezing the lemon
  • Sorry, that’s got ham
Okay, off to post this on Twitter,  dump my boyfriend and masturbate. Just kidding! Sort of..
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We don't all look this depressed...

In case you weren’t already aware, some people think that dating a vegan is a pretty big deal. Many meat-munchers probably have nightmares about their significant others jumping on the leafy green train — my own boyfriend was quite startled when I made the big move from vegetarian to vegan. “But..what about when we go out to eat? What about the ice-cream!?!” he asked with sheer panic in his voice.

Looking around online, there are many resources for dating a vegan if you still enjoy a bloody, I mean, juicy steak. At veganmeat.com you can learn that vegans are not merely strange tofu guzzling creatures but in fact just as loving (if not more so) than any other being. You will also learn that there are two different kinds of vegans, those who can respect your meaty mindset and those who can’t. You will also learn that the author can’t spell “those.” eHow.com lends some informative advice on how to date a vegan. Some key pointers include respect their choices, get your back-ground info straight and don’t bombard your partner with questions or criticisms about their lifestyle. Gee, sort of sounds like some pretty sound advice for all kinds of dating, meaty or not.

If you are a vegan and can’t seem to find the right animal-loving counterpart, there are resources for that too, including VeganPassions.comVeggieDate.org and VeganDating.org. The last site has a lovely header photo of a man feeding a woman a carrot..whoa, sign me up!

When it comes down to it, some vegans are super hard-core and may not even consider getting down with a non-vegan. Others, myself included, would love to find someone they can be veganamorous with, but wouldn’t call it a deal-breaker if their guy or gal eats meat. Just like I would hate being judged for my dietary choices, I try not to harass my boyfriend about his — although I won’t kiss him after he eats hotdogs. That particular flavor lingers for hours, and a girl has gotta draw the line somewhere, vegan or no vegan.

My final words of wisdom on dating a vegan:

  • Be upfront and honest. Don’t gag down endless Tofurkey burgers and pretend to be down with it. It will only make you resentful.
  • Find out wether or not it bothers your mate if you eat meat in front of them. If it does, plan your carnivorous eating when you’re out of eyesight.
  • Be sensitive, but don’t compromise your needs. Don’t wear the leather jacket around your date if you know it makes their insides turn, but don’t kick your leather sofa to the curb.

Another question about vegan lovin’ that is propositioned with an odd rate of frequency: can vegans swallow? eeeew. I will let Yahoo Answers tackle that question for you…

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While puttering around on veganporn.com last night — what, I read it for the articles, I swear!— I found a post that linked vegans to penis size. The author Jason (who I think is super funny and is the type of person I wish I could hang out with) really was just linking a study done by condomania that rates states according to the size of the penises that reside within (and how does one conduct a study like that, I wonder) to the vegan-friendlyness of the state by way of vegan restaurants and stores. Even he admits it is probably not the most effective study, and he also notes that because there are way more vegan women than men it sort of hinders things..since..you know, women don’t have penises…. Still an interesting post.

Now with some super sexual photos of women eating fruit…to keep up with the sexy vegan spirit…Don’t Google that though unless you want to find anything BUT pictures of women eating fruit.

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Vegetarians do it better. No really, we do. Alright, well maybe only conscious vegetarians, those who are actually concerned with the food they put into their bodies, and who know that what they are munching effects everything our bodies do, from increasing regularity (hey now, everybody poops!) to getting a good night sleep ,to jump starting our sex drives.

I don’t want to lump all veg headss together now, because I know a couple whose diets consist of grilled soy cheese, ramen and pickles, and they’re probably not having such great sex ( too much salt and processed faux cheese = bloatyfartymess= no one wants to touch you).

But you don’t have to be a vegan to reap great sex benefits from food. I’m not talking the typical ‘aphrodisiac’ bull crap, like falliciously shaped foods (mmm, cucumber…) or foods that somehow got linked to the female genitalia- how many of you have seen a fig shaped vagina? really now.  Try incorporating these yummy bites into your diet as often as you can, and your husband /girlfriend /the pizza delivery guy who you tip orally  will thank you for it.

Spice up your life- Zingy flavors such as cayenne pepper, cinnamon,  curry, licorice, turmeric and ginger all increase your circulation, which gets your blood flowing and your organs moving.  This means quicker erections for men, and easier lubrication for ladies. Sprinkle some cinnamon on your morning oatmeal, cook up a batch of gingered greens or munch on some black licorice before your honey heads over.

Fat doesn’t only look good on your ass-  Ever heard of heart-healthy fats?  Well your heart isn’t the only thing that can benefit from a little EVOO. Your hormones, testosterone and estrogen, are processed in your liver, which also metabolizes fat. More fat (the good kind) = higher doses of horny hormones= vroom vroom down south. What do I mean by the good kind? Polyunsaturated and monounsaturated, which raise your HDL (good cholesterol) and lower your LDL( bad cholesterol) . These help clear your arteries and get your blood flowing to where you need it most. These fats  can be found in foods like avocados, olives, nuts and  flax seeds. Keep in mind that only the good kind of fat  will help you out; saturated fat (found in dairy and other animal products) will have the opposite effect, as it is difficult to digest, clogs your arteries and will leave you feeling heavy and lethargic, a one way ticket to “not now I have a headache” or “but Law and Order SVU starts in ten minutes…”

I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas! No need to bring that can of whipped cream under the covers, because naturally sweet things, like bananas, sweet potatoes and yams , if eaten on a regular basis, will make you taste sweet as well. On the same note, acrid things like broccoli, brussel sprouts and garlic will make your flavor a little funky.

Work up a sweat: Alright, not a food, but exercise will only help your sex drive. Working out increases confidence (slammin’ body= finding excuses to show it off) , improves circulation and blood flow, and clears out toxins in your system (through sweating and heightened respiratory function, ie heavy breathing).  There is nothing sexier than a body glistening in sweat..talk about pheromones! Also, it doesn’t hurt to take advantage of all the eye candy roaming the gym (“not now chief, I’m in the f”ckin zone!”) Just don’t let your lovebunny know you’re really thinkin’ about the hottie that was on the treadmill in front of you….

Orgasms for breakfast- Again, not exactly food per se, but for some reason, reaching orgasm with nothing in your stomach intensifies the experience by a tenfold. Perhaps it’s because you don’t have dinner sloshing around in your gut, or because your body isn’t expending any energy on digesting. However, it does seem to be more difficult to get there with your stomach growling, but give it a try and i guarantee you will be pleased with the result.

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