Uhm, PETA released this interesting website just in time for V-day: Living with BWVAKTBOOM. That really long acronym stands for “Boyfriend Went Vegan and Knocked the Bottom Out Of Me.” Basically the entire site is dedicated to “tips” about how you can get ready for the insanely super-charged sexual prowess of your newly vegan boyfriend. I suppose this is in hopes of getting men to ditch meat and dairy. Remember when Jason Mraz blogged last month about how going vegan has super-charged his sex life? Or how about this trending Meme of Ryan Gosling sans shirt talking about straining tofu through cheese cloth—wetting the panties of vegan ladies all around.
The PETA powered site gives tips to “sex proof” your house by mounting TVs on the wall and covering sharp edges; using industrial strength condoms; investing in a sex helmet and my very favorite tip? Cum goggles. What? “I quote: Your newly vegan boyfriend is sitting on a sexual howitzer. Protect your corneas from his turbocharged loads with OSHA-approved goggles.” Protect your corneas, people!
The site is meant to be funny! I get it! But lots of vegans are pretty cranky about it because it has nothing to do with animal rights, which is what PETA is all about. Also it is sort of celebrating violent sex and PETA is all about non-violence. Actually, in case no one noticed, PETA is pretty aggressive. If PETA was a dude, he would come at you fast and hard and not stop until you’re unconscious, dripping with sweat and have finally conceded to throwing out all of your leather boots. NOT MY LEATHER. Calm down, people! The site is clearly just a ploy to get men to go vegan. But what about women? Every woman wants to have killer mattress moves, too! I’ve never been with a vegan guy so I can’t vouch for their stamina but I can say that since I went vegan I have more energy in every aspect of my life, so of course this translates to the bedroom. Plus my body feels better, which gives me more confidence.
And as for BWVAKTBOOM? I don’t care how good the sex, I do not want anyone to ever, ever “knock the bottom out of me.” Shudder.
Watch the commercial to see this poor girl walking around like she just got gang-banged and hear about how her boyfriend went vegan and could suddenly “bring it like a tantric porn star.” Oh boy. Poor Jessica. Note how she went out to get him a nice bag of Romaine ever after he pulverized her lady bits with his super-charged lettuce-munching robo-cock.