February 14th–instilling fear in the hearts of singles all across America and shooting Ben and Jerry’s sales through the roof.
Remember back in elementary school when Valentine’s day was fun for everyone? At the end of the day you got dozens of cards and treats in your cubby, regardless if you were a second grade super-hottie, or the kid with the bad B.O who got picked last for kickball.
Now it’s just a day where love bitten ladies everywhere get to parade their Valentine’s gifts around the office and secretly (or not so secretly) enjoy the murderous stares from all her ugly, er, single, coworkers.
However, it isn’t only girls who get all hopped up for V-day. Some guys appreciate it as well; all they have to do is pick up some flowers or a cheap box of chocolates and they get points for being romantic (and by points, I mean lots of sex). They also get a plethora of baked goods and (hopefully) a shot at seeing their girl in some lacey get-up (as opposed to her usual sweat pants and old holey sweatshirt sleeping attire). If the guy is single, he still has a pretty good shot of getting laid, because a girl is at least 80 percent more likely to go out with a guy they normally wouldn’t consider if it’s Valentines day, because any v-day date beats none at all. I mean, haven’t you seen that movie with Ann Hathaway and Topher Grace where he is all prudish and gets mad she is a sex-phone operator but then, because it’s V-day, decides hey why the heck not? Actually I haven’t seen that movie but my room-mate gave me a play-by-play of the plot.
Personally, V-day and I don’t get along for 3 reasons:
The first is that Hallmark created this holiday, and I hate Hallmark, because I worked there once for three weeks which happened to coincide with Valentine’s day, and they fired me. (I deserved it…)
The second is that I want to be appreciated and showered with attention EVERY day, not just one designated day of the year.
The third is that I think it leads to disappointment. I mean, if I was dating someone and they showed up at my place with something nice and thoughtful on any other day of the year, I would be all smitten. But on February 14th it’s sort of like…oh..you had to do that. America made you do that. Obligatory gifts are not spontaneous and spontaneity is what swoon-worthy panty wetting moments are made of. So basically the only Big.Red.V-day gift I will be impressed by is something clever and non-generic. Not to sound like a non-appreciative bridge guarding troll (YOU SHALL NOT PASS WITH THOSE CHEAP DYED CARNATIONS) but it’s sort of like…yada yada you and every other dude in the world had the same exact idea. Maybe I am jaded. Or maybe in college my boyfriend showed up to take me to V-day dinner with a teddy bear and a neck full of hickies. (Not from me.)
One key thing you should avoid on Valentine’s day is a shitty Hallmark card. I hate them, remember? You should not support them. Also nothing says “I am uncreative and don’t like you enough to make a card myself” like a cheesy, crappy greeting card that is traded for sexual favors in homes all over the world. Make your own card, regardless of how artistically challenged you are, and you will get extra points (remember, points=sex) for being more thoughtful than the average american. Here are some good ideas for cards:
- I love you. Lets celebrate by watching porn.
- Happy Valentine’s day. I showered today.
- Just for today, I won’t throw a fit if you get it in my hair.
- Tonight, I will wear that hot lacey thing you aren’t aware my ex boyfriend bought me.
- I’ll show YOU a happy ending.
- Don’t worry, it’s a good size.
Nothing is lamer than a double standard, so if you’re a woman and you expect your man to do something nice for you on V-day, then be ready to return the favor. If you are too broke to afford anything or burn everything that even comes near an oven, don’t fear; oral sex is a fantastic last-minute gift idea.
So it’s one day to the big V and everyone is up in my bidness about it. I was getting my twice annual hair-cut and my stylist asked me what my plans for Tuesday evening are. She didn’t even mention V-day, just “Tuesday evening,” because clearly I should just KNOW. I told her I would be holed up in my lair masticating the bones of my former lovers. Her blank stare reminded me of the reason I had no friends in elementary school, when a vivid imagination made you weird and creepy instead of weird and unique. While I do think V-day is over-rated, and I want to be showered in love and appreciation every day of the year, I will never be completely against any day that I can use as an excuse to lure my boyfriend out of his really cool city and into my bedroom, located in a city not near as exciting, which takes an obnoxious two subways and one Metro North train to get to. Maniacal laugh!
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