Valentine’s day is the cilantro of the American holiday circuit …you either love it, or it leaves a nasty taste in your mouth. Personally, I have a tumultuous relationship with the holiday, which started during an excruciating 4 month stint working at Hallmark in high school, where I was forced to stock mass produced, impersonal greeting cards and listen to Michael Bublé’s Caught in the Act album on repeat. I still cringe whenever I hear a Bublé track.

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Remember my rant on monkey-style sex last week, where I posted an excerpt from reader J Boybutter? Well, J Boybutter and I got to talking, and it turns out he is a vegansexual! You know…a vegan who won’t date a non-vegan.

I had never had the chance to actually dish with a vegansexual, so I was pretty tickled to learn this. In the following interview, J Boybutter tells me all about life as a vegansexual, and how to be an accomplished lover. And I apologize in advance that he uses the word “secretions,” which is my LEAST favorite word ever. Saying it is basically the No. 2 easiest way to make me squirm. The No. 1 way is to ball up your fist and put it in my armpit. Has anyone ever done that to you?! So weird! J does redeem himself, though, by also using the word cyprianophobia. Read on to learn what it means!

Also, note that English is not his first language. He is charmingly European. But he does so well with his English, that foxy polyglot!

How long have you been vegan?

I’ve was vegan from 1994 to 2000ish and then fell into the cheese habit for a couple of years and finally got out of it for good as a new years resolution. I went back to veganism in 2009 I’ve quit smoking a year later, mainly after seeing how the put monkeys under tests for cigarettes…. I loved smoking even though I knew it was bad for me. Quitting for the animals was easier. So, overall, I can say I’ve been vegan for about 9 years. Sorta. 6+3 = 9

Have you ever dated a non-vegan since you’ve been vegan?
 Yes, in late 1994, early 1995. I dated a non-vegan in the early 2000s and did have a one night stand with a non-vegan in summer 2009. I’ve never dated a vegan actually. So, I think you can either say I’m a vergan (vegan virgin) or a non-practicing vegansexual.

Now you say when you find out a lady eats meat, you become romantically uninterested. Would you be bothered if someone became uninterested in you because you DON’T eat meat? I’m bothered by it all the time.
Nobody ever told me they stopped being interested when they learned I’m vegan, but I’m pretty sure some did. I’m suspecting that’s one of the reasons it didn’t work out with my ex girlfriend.

Is it just the idea of their flavor that turns you off a meat eater, or their ethics, too?
It’s both. It can taste weird down there. To be an accomplished lover, a man has to lick and kiss intimate parts of his partner. If it tastes leatherish, or meaty, it’s a turnoff to me. Having sex with someone is not just about giving pleasure. It’s also about receiving. You can make funny jokes about guys vs. girls and who’s the true receiver, but in the end, if my experience is spoiled by pungent and reeky body odors and secretions, I prefer to watch some erotic Tumblr porn on my iPhone.

I need an iPhone… So you find the flavor of a woman to be particularly unpleasant if she eats meat, correct?

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Uhm, PETA released this interesting website just in time for V-day: Living with BWVAKTBOOM. That really long acronym stands for “Boyfriend Went Vegan and Knocked the Bottom Out Of Me.” Basically the entire site is dedicated to “tips” about how you can get ready for the insanely super-charged sexual prowess of your newly vegan boyfriend. I suppose this is in hopes of getting men to ditch meat and dairy. Remember when Jason Mraz blogged last month about how going vegan has super-charged his sex life? Or how about this trending Meme of Ryan Gosling sans shirt talking about straining tofu through cheese cloth—wetting the panties of vegan ladies all around.

MmmmNmmm

The PETA powered site gives tips to “sex proof” your house by mounting TVs on the wall and covering sharp edges; using industrial strength condoms; investing in a sex helmet and my very favorite tip? Cum goggles. What? “I quote: Your newly vegan boyfriend is sitting on a sexual howitzer. Protect your corneas from his turbocharged loads with OSHA-approved goggles.” Protect your corneas, people!

The site is meant to be funny! I get it!  But lots of vegans are pretty cranky about it because it has nothing to do with animal rights, which is what PETA is all about. Also it is sort of celebrating violent sex and PETA is all about non-violence. Actually, in case no one noticed, PETA is pretty aggressive. If PETA was a dude, he would come at you fast and hard and not stop until you’re unconscious, dripping with sweat and have finally conceded to throwing out all of your leather boots. NOT MY LEATHER. Calm down, people! The site is clearly  just a ploy to get men to go vegan. But what about women? Every woman wants to have killer mattress moves, too! I’ve never been with a vegan guy so I can’t vouch for their stamina but I can say that since I went vegan I have more energy in every aspect of my life, so of course this translates to the bedroom. Plus my body feels better, which gives me more confidence.

And as for BWVAKTBOOM? I don’t care how good the sex, I do not want anyone to ever, ever “knock the bottom out of me.” Shudder.

Watch the commercial to see this poor girl walking around like she just got gang-banged and hear about how her boyfriend went vegan and could suddenly “bring it like a tantric porn star.” Oh boy. Poor Jessica. Note how she went out to get him a nice bag of Romaine ever after he pulverized her lady bits with his super-charged lettuce-munching robo-cock.

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February 14th–instilling fear in the hearts of singles all across America and shooting  Ben and Jerry’s  sales through the roof.

Remember back in elementary school when Valentine’s day was fun for everyone? At the end of the day you got dozens of cards and treats in your cubby, regardless if you were a second grade super-hottie, or the kid with the bad B.O who got picked last for kickball.

Now it’s just a day where love bitten ladies everywhere get to parade their Valentine’s gifts around the office and secretly (or not so secretly) enjoy the murderous stares from all her ugly, er, single, coworkers.

However, it isn’t only girls who get all hopped up for V-day. Some guys appreciate it as well; all they have to do is pick up some flowers or a cheap box of chocolates and they get points for being romantic (and by points, I mean lots of sex). They also get a plethora of baked goods and (hopefully) a shot at seeing their girl in some lacey get-up (as opposed to her usual sweat pants and old holey sweatshirt sleeping attire). If the guy is single, he still has a pretty good shot of getting laid, because a girl is at least 80 percent more likely to go out with a guy they normally wouldn’t consider if it’s Valentines day, because any v-day date beats none at all. I mean, haven’t you seen that movie with Ann Hathaway and Topher Grace where he is all prudish and gets mad she is a sex-phone operator but then, because it’s V-day, decides hey why the heck not? Actually I haven’t seen that movie but my room-mate gave me a play-by-play of the plot.

Personally, V-day and I don’t get along for 3 reasons:
The first is that Hallmark created this holiday, and I hate Hallmark, because I worked there once for three weeks which happened to coincide with Valentine’s day, and they fired me. (I deserved it…)

The second is that I want to be appreciated and showered with attention EVERY day, not just one designated day of the year.

The third is that I think it leads to disappointment. I mean, if I was dating someone and they showed up at my place with something nice and thoughtful on any other day of the year, I would be all smitten. But on February 14th it’s sort of like…oh..you had to do that. America made you do that. Obligatory gifts are not spontaneous and spontaneity is what swoon-worthy panty wetting moments are made of. So basically the only Big.Red.V-day gift I will be impressed by is something clever and  non-generic. Not to sound like a non-appreciative bridge guarding troll (YOU SHALL NOT PASS WITH THOSE CHEAP DYED CARNATIONS) but it’s sort of like…yada yada you and every other dude in the world had the same exact idea. Maybe I am jaded. Or maybe in college my boyfriend showed up to take me to V-day dinner with a teddy bear and a neck full of hickies. (Not from me.)

One key thing you should avoid on Valentine’s day is a shitty Hallmark card. I hate them, remember? You should not support them. Also nothing says “I am uncreative and don’t like you enough to make a card myself” like a cheesy, crappy greeting card that is traded for sexual favors in homes all over the world. Make your own card, regardless of how artistically challenged you are,  and you will get extra points (remember, points=sex) for being more thoughtful than the average american. Here are some good ideas for cards:

  • I love you. Lets celebrate by watching porn.
  • Happy Valentine’s day. I showered today.
  • Just for today, I won’t throw a fit if you get it in my hair.
  • Tonight, I will wear that hot lacey thing you aren’t aware my ex boyfriend bought me.
  • I’ll show YOU a happy ending.
  • Don’t worry, it’s a good size.

Nothing is lamer than a double standard, so if you’re a woman and you expect your man to do something nice for you on V-day, then be ready to return the favor. If you are too broke to afford anything or burn everything that even comes near an oven, don’t fear; oral sex is a fantastic last-minute gift idea.

So it’s one day to the big V and everyone is up in my bidness about it. I was getting my twice annual hair-cut and my stylist asked me what my plans for Tuesday evening are. She didn’t even mention V-day, just “Tuesday evening,” because clearly I should just KNOW. I told her I would be holed up in my lair masticating the bones of my former lovers. Her blank stare reminded me of the reason I had no friends in elementary school, when a vivid imagination made you weird and creepy instead of weird and unique.  While I do think V-day is over-rated, and I want to be showered in love and appreciation every day of the year, I will never be completely against any day that I can use as an excuse to lure my boyfriend out of his really cool city and into my bedroom,  located in a city not near as exciting, which takes an obnoxious two subways and one Metro North train to get to. Maniacal laugh!

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