Nothing could be more ironic than a vegan getting a tattoo touting their plant-based status…in non-vegan ink. Even the most dedicated tofu slingers may not realize that there is such a thing as a non-vegan tattoo. A fan of body art myself, on Saturday I headed to Williamsburg to check out Gristle, a darling vegan tattoo shop. Now before I start raving, let me answer a question you may be stuck on: WTF is a vegan tattoo?

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There are some things I just don’t understand. Like the obsession with putting bacon on dessert or why everyone makes a big deal about the sex appeal of Michael Phelps. But the most recent trend that makes me want to slam my head into my desk is anal tattoos. As in, getting a tattoo on your holiest of holes. Not on your cheeks, not peeking out above your crack a la stamp de tramp, but on the actual anal opening. Vomit into my coffee mug a bit.

I am completely behind self expression, tattoos, and the occasional anal party. But I also love sex and animals, and I don’t ever think those two should be combined.

At a recent tattoo expo, a 22-year old Florida woman got an anal tattoo with not one but two men’s names on it. And, according to her, it feels “so good.” One, I would like to know who these men are that don’t mind sharing her anal real estate. And two: so good? Call me a prude, but how?

I get the allure of pain as pleasure. And I actually enjoyed both the excitement and actual physical sensation of getting inked. But my tattoos are far, far from both entrances to my lady business. I can understand getting a tattoo of an asshole more than getting a tattoo on your asshole.

And WHO are you getting these stink inks for? Many say their tattoos are modes of self expression, but if you can’t see your artistic lovechild without a hand mirror and a few yoga sessions, then that explanation doesn’t cut if for me. So then are you getting it for the other people in your life who are blessed with regular anal viewings? Can’t you just cuddle? Are you really that desperate to do something different that this is what it has come to?

I really just DON’T get it. Please, someone explain this to me.

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