I originally wrote this post for my Lusty Vegan column on i Eat Grass.

Business time!

Sexual Prime! It sounds like some weird sexier version of Law and Order SVU. Huff Post let loose an article this week responding to a new survey that showed women hit their “sexual prime” at 28—which is younger than I had thought. I had always been under a wonky impression that women hit their prime in their late 30s, while men hit their prime in their early 20s, which is why cougaring was a major life goal of mine…Pfft, way to mislead me, Samantha from Sex in the City. You bitch.

It’s important to note that this survey, put out by the sex toy company LoveHoney, was not scientific–but it did poll over 1,200 people.

After reading the results of the survey (which actually said nothing about 28, instead saying 30 is the right number—WTF, Huff Po!) what I really honed in on was the fact that when people stated they are having the BEST sex did not coincide with when they are having the MOST sex.

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“This is what you mean by ‘toy,’ right?”

My dad once told me–although he could have gotten this from somewhere else and I am just remembering it as his wisdom bc I’m a closeted daddy’s girl–that a true writer NEEDS to write. If they haven’t written, they feel uncomfortable, like when you really have to pee and there is no time and you’re hopping up and down doing your little pee dance. Okay my dad did not mention a pee dance, I peppered that in myself. What I am getting at is that when I don’t have time to post on SexyTofu I get antsy. Because I just know all fourteen of you out there are stressing over it. Plus I like to create! I want to be creative! This is about me, here.

There is nothing like having zero time to blog and then remembering, oh yes, I can post a redirect to my Lusty Vegan column on iEatGrass! Phew! So, here it is. This week, an email convo with a sexy vegan friend of mine circled around to sex toys, and the man’s take on them. Here is the lovechild of that conversation…

The Lusty Vegan: Man Vs. (Sex) Machine

I suppose I have never lost my inner child, because I still get excited when I get a new toy—and I’m not talking Transformers action figures. Since I write about sex and review sex toys, I suppose it isn’t all that surprising I feel like a kid on Christmas when a box arrives at my door containing a new product to review. I will never forget my room-mates exclamation: “Is that a FIVE POUND box of lube?”

But for those who don’t like to write about their masturbation habits on the Internet, I know sex toys can be a bit of a taboo topic. This is partially why I like reviewing them—to invite people to buy them and hopefully explore a different side of their sexuality. But for most, a sex toy—if owned at all—is something given as a gag gift and then hidden in a nightside table and taken out occasionally, or when the kids are asleep, the boyfriend is at work, etc. Why do I say “when the boyfriend is at work?” Well, the majority of toy owners are women, and the majority of men (but not all!) are a bit intimidated by a battery powered pleasure bot. They view them as a rival, when they should be viewing them as an aid. Men, if your girlfriend’s vibe could talk, it would say “I got your back, bro. Let’s get on this, Bang Bus style. Hive five! Bzzzz.”

Read more…. 

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The Hitachi is great for your neck. (If your clit is located on your neck.)

For those of you who don’t speak sex toy, the Hitachi Magic Wand is the Cadillac of toys; Super fun to drive, even if it is a bit bulky and out-dated. This bad boy still plugs into the wall—that’s how out-dated it is, and the box it comes in looks like it’s straight from the 80s, equipped with pictures of spandex clad ladies massaging their calves with it. One, everyone knows you don’t use the Hitachi in a PG fashion and Two, who the heck actually massages their calves?

I’ve been coveting a Hitachi for years, so when I found out one was coming for me to review I got so excited I told just about everyone I know. “Nice knowing you…” my boyfriend said. “Oh, you’re in for a good time,” said my friend C, a Hitachi owner herself.  ”How does that make you FEEL?” asked my therapist. (Not really. I can’t afford a therapist.) But real talk, Hitachi is a POWER TOOL company so you can imagine the force behind their toy, which is roughly the size and weight of my forearm.

When my box came in the mail I opened it with more excitement than any Christmannukah gift I’ve received in the past decade and paced around the apartment anxiously waiting for my room-mate to leave. I didn’t even need to try it out to know that no matter how loud I blast my Cat Power Pandora station, the powerful hum of this baby will not be muted. The Hitachi is as discreet as a 7 foot drag queen with a 5 o’clock shadow.

Warning: this toy is not for those who don’t appreciate extremely intense stimulation, or those who don’t want to make weird animal noises normally reserved for dying birds and fornicating primates. The Hitachi only has two speeds: Really Intense and Holy Fuuu-I Came. Usually, when I am giving myself some attention, I like to take my sweet time. I prefer toys that allow me to edge a bit—take myself nearly there and then back off so that my orgasm is crippling. While the Hitachi WILL make you come out of your ears, there is no way to ease yourself into it. My friend C, the Hitachi fan mentioned above, described it perfectly: “The Hitachi is great for when you’re tired and horny and just want to get off and go to sleep.” You will not last for more than 5 minutes unless you have a clit of steel.

I love my Hitachi on a level that is almost comparable to the way I feel about my cat. Not really, but enough to make me want to drive 20 minutes home on my lunch break, spend 2 ½ minutes panting like a prom queen in the back of a Buick, and drive 20 minutes back to the office. Five days a week.

So, what do you think of the Hitachi? Roseanne Barr loves her Hitachi, too. At an MTV VMA show she crowed, “Hitachi make such a good vibrator, I think I’ll buy one of their TVs!” I feel you, Roseanne.

Want a Hitachi? Yeahhh you do. Get it.

Side note: After an intense bout of Bootcamp where I was forced to do 100 plus Burpees (Tough Mudder training!) I actually used the Hitachi on my arms. Just like this picture.

I felt like it was 1984.

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I love Easter!

Recently I attended a Beyond the  Blowjob workshop at Babeland Brooklyn. This event wasn’t all about hand-mouth techniques; that stuff is apparently covered in another workshop they put out, called the Art of the Blowjob. Basically, what I garnered is that Beyond the Blowjob is for oral sex ninjas who have (or think they have!) mastered mouth techniques and are looking for more. I don’t want to give away all the info that the workshop puts out so I will just run it down, hot and loose.

The Babeland store is pretty tiny, so in the back was about 20 – 30 chairs set up for an intimate evening. The sex educators Elliot and Laura (at least I hope those were their names, I was more focused on all the talk about coronas and hair-pulling) were very fun and knowledgable. We started off the workshop screaming dirty words at eachother, to break the ice. This is a great idea, and I can think of more than a few relationships I wish I had started in this exact fashion. Oh you want to take me to dinner? I’d rather sit inside and scream “Titty F*ck” at you so I can gauge our level of compatibility based on the shade of purple your face reaches.

The workshop covered important issues, like communication, which I rant about here all the time. The educators talked about how couples can use a “Yes, No, Maybe” list to outline what they would or would not be interested in trying out. The key here is to make your lists separately and then compare, so that you answer honestly and don’t feel judged. No judgments!  Also they talked about dirty talk and how that can be used to sneakily communicate what you want. Shy about raunchy word-play? Try out words on your own to see what feels right. My favorite quote from Babeland employee, Laura? “One person’s c*nt is another’s passion flower.”  Basically, different words have different affects on different people, so switch it up, try out new things, and get to know what words steam up your kettle.

As far as blowjob tips, which they did briefly go over, my fav take-away topic was “edging,” which I have always referred to as teasing. Basically you wait until someone is about to come, and then you stop what you’re doing and do something else—or nothing. Repeat repeat repeat until they are so sexually charged their eventual orgasm is amazing—or they punch you in the face for being such an asshole. One or the other. Be sure to cuddle when it’s over to assure them you aren’t really that mean.

The course also covered anal play extensively, which is funny because didn’t I just rant on that recently? Since everyone has an assh*le, Elliot referred to it as an “equal opportunity orifice” which tickled my pink, and Laura stressed the three keys to successful and enjoyable anal play: Relaxation, Communication, and Lubrication. Lube is crucial, because unlike the vagina, your butt doesn’t make any natural lubrication. Or at least, not any type of sexy natural lubrication. Gross.

So there are certain lubes that are best for anal play, and lucky for me two of the best are oh so vegan friendly! Take your pick between Sliquid Sassy Booty and Maximus. One is clearly more manly than the other, but they are both really cushy and forgiving, and you don’t need to reapply the way you would with thinner lubricants. Plus, they are water-based and sex-toy friendly. Woo!

So, have you ever been to a Babeland event? Do you wanna talk about equal opp orifices?  Stayin’ classy over here at SexyTofu…

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Let’s see how many dumb euphemisms for anal sex I can come up with. A while back I wrote about a reader who had written to me with questions regarding butt play, and I had recommended that if she is interested in some anal action for beginners she start small—with a finger. She reported back to me that the finger went over fine, and that she is still hoping to one day get comfortable enough to have an actual phallic member in there. Also apparently her boyfriend is quite large, which makes first-time sex of any kind even more painful. So we got on the subject of anal plugs. Anal plugs are the cilantro of the bedroom. You either love it, or hate it. You either want it all over your enchiladas, or you think it tastes like soap and  gag every time you even think about it. Basically, anal plugs are not for the vanilla soft-serve style sexers, but more for the inquisitive mattress mavens—someone who doesn’t find inserting a piece of plastic in their butt uncomfortable (in theory and action).But I mentioned them to my reader-friend, and suggested if that’s something she thinks she is interested in, she should look into a very very small anal plug. She went out and got one of those kits that come with three different sizes so you can ease yourself into it gradually. She told me that even the small seemed pretty large. So, I recommended to her the Pop Plug (size small, of course).

The smallest sized Pop Plug is smaller than a lot of other “small” starter plugs, and it’s pink which makes it seem friendlier, don’t you think? Plus, it’s shaped like a Ring Pop which were all the rage when I was growing up. It is also reminiscent of a pacifier, which gave me a good giggle on the subway the other day as I was ogling a cute baby suckin’ away on one.

Hi! I’m friendly….

Okay but maybe you’re thinking WHY would anyone ever want an anal plug? Often people use them the way my reader is interested—to prep them for a real-life romp in the backyard. But on top of that, anal plugs are popular with hetero couples interested in double penetration. For some women, using an anal plug while their partner is all up inside their ladybits is like chewing a stick of Double Mint Gum.

But, obviously, plugs don’t discriminate based on sex or gender.  The anus (Worst.Word.Ever) is an erogenous zone for both men and women, and so anal stimulation can feel extremely pleasurable if you’re open to it. Let me just clarify that–despite popular misconceptions instilled by, oh, I don’t know, homophobes–a man who enjoys a bit of ass tackling is NOT gay. And if he is-who cares?! It’s called a prostate. We all have them. It’s the  sex of the person he is choosing to have nail his tail that will help you determine his sexuality. Anyway, back to pluggin’ that up… Some people also insert anal plugs and then go about their daily business, which apparently can be interesting. Or they wear an anal plug out on a date as foreplay. SO the next time you see that couple cozying up in the movie theatre, ask yourself “which one of them is wearing the butt plug?”

When choosing a plug, it’s important to get one with a wide base so that it doesn’t get uhm…abducted? (Insert disgusting sound effects…) The Pop Plug has that cute and high-functioning finger loop for easy retrieval. Also they are affordable—ranging from 15-20 bucks a pop.  And just when you think, wow, that butt plug couldn’t get any more appealing, you learn that they are boilable, so you can stay hygienic. Hygiene is important! Just don’t boil it in your room-mates favorite pasta pot. And if you do, don’t tell her about it! Get it here! And, be sure to follow the Number One Rule in any sort of anal play: More lube is ALWAYS a good idea.

Okay, now tell me; have you used a Pop Plug? Did you like it? Worn an anal plug on a date? Think they are horrible? Worst invention ever? Do you like cilantro? Did you count how many different ways I referred to anal sex without saying “anal sex?”

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Christmas and Hanukkah are over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still lust over toys. I thought I would keep you posted on what’s new in my toy chest… I am sure you were concerned.  The Honi Mini Vibe, another PicoBong product, is similar to the IPO in both size and shape. Like the IPO—which, if you remember correctly, ruined my social life with its vibey goodness—the Honi has 12 different pulse settings ranging from mild to powerful. Plus, the toy is (hush!) super quiet which makes it ideal for using in public–good for commuters. Oh, it’s waterproof too, so you can take it in the shower, or get some quality tub time in.

The Honi also has a looped retrieval string which I assumed is there so that you can use it internally. However, because the vibration controls are on the side of the toy, you won’t be able to change the settings once it’s up in there, so I would recommend it for external use only if you have masturbatory ADD and want some variety. If you aren’t interested in using it internally but still want to make use of the retrieval string, wear it out at night like a wristlet. Sex toy fashion? Yes? No?

This is my second Picobong toy, and I’m a pretty big fan. Their products are sleek and small, with quiet motors that purr like a (sexy?) kitten and fun colors.

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How can you resist that face?

What’s better than a sex toy? A really cute and discreet sex toy, that’s what! Look how adorable this vibrating bath buddy is. I’m gonna call him Count Quackula. Is that weird? I mean to name your sex toys…anyway, I Rub My Duckie is one of those vibes that claims to be a “massager,” as if it’s foolin’ anybody.  Right, mister duck…you’re a “massager” and I write about “romance.”

The cutest of all of my playthings, this little guy has 3 speeds and is waterproof cause, duh, he is made for the tub! He also claims he can be good for couples, but my man-friend lives pretty far away from my bathtub and so I can’t vouch for that. But I can tell you he makes you want to stay in the tub long after the water cools. The only quacks (no? too much?) I had with my Dirty Donald were that he is loud, and pretty large. But if you don’t mind big and noisy and you want something as unique as it is discreet, then go duck yourself! Buy him for a friend for Christmas or Hanukkah. Also, put bubbles in your tub because they make every bathing experience joyous.

Do you love your I Rub My Duckie duck? Do you have any more corny jokes that involve the word “quack?” Are you a mother and were you mortified when your child stole your duck for tub-time?

Zucchini poses with the duck for a size reference…is that weird?

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This is not a finger puppet…

I’ve had a handful of people email me recently for sex toy suggestions—doing a little holiday shopping, perhaps? One reader asked for a “beginner friendly” toy, while another asked for one that is good for using with a friend. Enter the PicoBong Ipo Finger Vibe, which is as fun to use as it is to say. PIICCCCOOOBONG. Sounds like a cute cuddly Japanese anime.

This cute little bullet shaped toy fits over a finger and is small enough for travel and discreet storage. Plus, if you want to use it with a friend, it won’t make them feel inadequate the way bringing some 9 inch monster truck into bed would. It has 12 speeds, the highest of which could probably cause some teeth chattering. Despite its power-toolesque capabilities, it is pretty quiet, which is key if you live with people who would probably be uncomfortable hearing a lawn-mower in your bedroom at midnight.

This is actually the first toy whose “pulse” speed, or should I say speeds (it has 12 pulse varieties) actually appealed to me. A while back, while showing a toy to a friend, he asked me why that toy didn’t have a pulse option.( I do this on occasion, like a dog bringing its favorite bone to a new house guest. Look what I got! Tail wags all around.)

“No one uses pulse, anyways. It’s not a blender,” I replied.
“I am sure someone uses it, or they wouldn’t keep making vibrators with pulse options,” he commented, logically.
“Whoever keeps putting out pulsing vibes clearly has no clitoris,” I retorted. Because really, who wants to be flicked repeatedly in your most sensitive area? That sounds like a mean play-ground game.

Now, this doesn’t happen often, so pay attention to what I am admitting here: I was wrong. Apparently I just had some bad experiences with past pulse settings, because the Finger Vibe pulse option may have just ruined my social life. The only qualm I have with it is that in order to get the pulsey goodness, you have to first take the toy to full speed. Some ladies are sensitive and full speed—pulse or no pulse—might make them a bit numb.

Tell me your favorite sex toy, please. Do you use the pulse option for anything other than making soup in your Cuisinart?

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So, I will admit I am purposely behind on technology. I spend all day on the computer, and as a result I have been refusing to get a smart phone, because then I know I would be habitually stalking my ex, er, catching up with friends on Facebook while on the go, checking work emails, obsessing over vegan boots (mmm, fall!) or watching mundane YouTube videos, and I just can’t have that. So anyways, you can imagine why I would shy away from this new vibrator that comes with a USB stick in it.

Produced by the San Francisco based start-up, Crave, this new toy—dubbed the Duet—is made from silicone and metal and has two motors (thus the title). That all makes sense, but please tell me why it has a USB stick in it? I know Americans are all about multitasking, but is it necessary to store that presentation you’ve been anguishing over for work on a device that you march up Mount Vahooha? I mean, really.

The company claims it is discreet, waterproof, and silent, which all sounds great. But if I am going to have a multi-purpose sex toy, I’d rather it do something aside from store the contents of that novel I will probably never finish. Oh, like how about a sex toy that doubles as a projector so it could shine your fav naughty flick on your bedroom wall while you have yourself a party? Now that’s inventive. Someone go invent that, because I am far too lazy to do it myself.

(I am totally full of crap. I want this product and am bashing on it because it isn’t vegan and therefore I know I will never buy it. Perhaps I should get Paypal on this site so you can give me money to fuel my vegan sex toy research fund, now that I am boyfriendless and all. Just sayin’.)

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Aww. Vomit.

I am always in a relationship. I’m a serial monogamist. Seriously, when it comes to partners, I’m a bit like a hermit crab. As soon as I’ve shed one shell (read: significant other) I scuttle around all naked feeling and awkward looking in search of the next suitable shell. I’ve done this for a decade now—never spending more than a 6 month period not in a monogamous relationship.

While I admit this is probably not the healthiest behavior, I have come to terms with it. Someone (probably a therapist) once pointed out that my hermit crab analogy implies that I need a significant other for protection, and to feel whole. Blah blah blah,  psycho babble. I LIKE being in a relationship. Plus, I  have tried to change it, getting out of a bad relationship and saying to myself (and the rest of my friends/drunken bar patrons) “That’s it! No more relationships! I am going to enjoy being single!”

But the truth is I don’t enjoy being single. I like having someone to come home to, someone to call when I need help, someone to take care of if I feel the need to nurture, and someone who can take care of me when I need it! And of course, don’t forget the cuddling!

And then there is the real reason I don’t enjoy being single: I really like sex. What? Single people have tons of sex! When I am single, and I want to have sex, that means having at least somewhat casual sex. From totally casual one-night stand deals to laid back friends-with-benefits situations, casual sex makes me down-right anxious. I have been in situations where I sleep with someone who I am attracted to but whom I would never ever actually consider dating, and then all of a sudden I am running around wringing my hands and wondering why they aren’t calling me! I go from collected and self-assured to spazz status. I fight an inner battle with myself going “but you don’t even like them!” and responding with “but..they should be calling! Or texting! Facebook chat!” I end up hyperventilating while resisting all urges to contact the sexer for fear of coming off as clingy.

Or worse, I end up dating someone who I only planned on sleeping with once or twice. Perfect example is the guy I dated for an entire year during college. Aside from the fact he was adorable, I slept with him because I had just gotten out of a relationship, and this dude was a total stoner, did nothing but play video games all day and had his mother help him with his class assignments. I am still not totally sure if he showered regularly. Totally un-datable. The perfect candidate for a short-nothing-type fling. Except then I got involved, and then we were dating, and then I spent 9 out of the 12 months we were together trying to break up with him only to change my mind every time when he burst into tears. Damn you, sensitive side.

One of my room mates in college was convinced that my inability to enjoy singlehood would be solved if I only had an array of sex toys ala the Dresden Dolls ‘Coin Operated Boy’. Her self-proclaimed ingenious method was that she would go to parties and flirt with whoever she wanted to, knowing she wouldn’t take them home because her vibrator would do a better job anyways. To further ensure she would go home alone she would stop shaving. (She was Italian.) She was often found at 2 p.m. yelling down the stairs “do you have any AA batteries?!” as I cozied on the couch with my mancandy, allowing her the room to herself and…herself.

I revel in not only the satisfaction but also the feeling of connection that goes along with sex, something that cannot be quenched via an orgasm from a piece of buzzing plastic. Not that I am bashing masturbation, not at all! But I imagine after a handful of weeks playing solely with myself, well I would get a bit lonely! But I could be wrong. The next time I find myself naked and shell-less (read:single), perhaps I will order a plethora of new sex toys instead of finding someone new to date. Pfft…who am I kidding?

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