Typical Friday night activity…Hot.

My goal in life is to be one half of a randy old couple. I want to still be having sex when I am old and wrinkled. But stereotypes say once you’re shacked up and shackled, sex falls to the bottom of your to-do list. A stale sex life is one of my greatest relationship fears, after divorce or maybe death of my partner.

It’s easy for your sex life to take a hit when you move in together, especially if living together is less than dreamy. Your partner won’t clean or worse, they are obsessively clean. Their habits start to grate on your nerves, and you’re picking trivial fights. I mean, who wants to deliver some mid-afternoon fellatio when you spent the morning picking their hair out of the shower drain? Not I.

But your sex life can even suffer when cohabitation is sheer bliss. All of a sudden, you’re living with your best friend, and it’s like slumber party mode all the time. Late night pillow talk and trashy TV marathons abound. But, unless your life is a pre-teen porno, slumber parties with your BFF usually end with only one kind of facial. (The boring kind.)

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Communication. It changes everything.


Earlier this week I wrote about “Orgasms for Equality,” or the way that society seems to think male pleasure should take precedence over female. I got some terrific emails from readers following the post, and one was from reader Sam who is having some issues communicating her needs to her boyfriend—who seems to center their sexy time around himself.

She notes that she loves her boyfriend, that he is a great guy and that their chemistry is terrific, so my guess is that he is clueless, not cruel. She says that on all other fronts, their relationship is a good one. However, she also mentioned that her guy has actually complained about her sexual prowess, complaining about some things she is or is not doing, while at the same time he isn’t spending time on foreplay, prefers to be submissive when Sam herself is turned on by being dominated, and well, to quote all I can think is that I don’t compare to his previous experiences or the porn stars he fantasizes about…”

Yikes! Okay, so what is really missing from this situation is NOT a specific position or hot new toy—what’s missing is communication. Sam wrote:

I’ve been trying to remedy this by slowly integrating noises, putting his hands on my hot spots, getting dolled up for him, and watching redtube to learn new tricks.”

Sam, your guy seems to have communicated some of his preferences by complaining—which is not the best way to go about it, but does count as communication. Now that you know how much it hurts to have someone complain about your bedroom skills, use it as a guideline for what NOT to do. And try not to be offended—everyone likes something different, and a sexual connection changes from couple to couple. Maybe your last boyfriend loved for you to pay attention to his balls and your new guy shrivels up like a toddler in a tub the second you touch them—it isn’t you, it’s just a difference in taste.

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