So you’re vegan, and your partner isn’t. Or maybe your an omnivore, or a vegetarian, and your partner is a vegan. Or maybe you’re an everything eater and your partner is gluten-free. Or maybe you’re gluten-free and your partner is allergic to nuts, or soy, or dairy, or…

See where I’m going with this? Sometimes our dietary restrictions (and ethical POVs) just don’t match up with the views of the people we like to spend our time with.

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Baby don't hurt meeeeee

I rant a lot about sex, and I make loads (hah, loads) of lewd remarks, and I am so pro-slut it may seem like I’m all about casual sex. While I think casual sex can be great for those who enjoy it, I actually hate casual sex. Okay, sorry. I dislike casual sex. Hate is for Hitler. I don’t dislike the idea of it, I dislike the physical act of it. It makes me uncomfy, and as a result, I have never really had good casual sex. Sorry if we bumped drunk uglies and you’re reading this and thinking “awww, shit.” I promise, it wasn’t you, it was me. I much prefer stinking up my sheets with a regular, consistent partner. And even more so, I prefer gettin’ it on with someone I love, all Percy Sledge style.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about love. Specifically, I have been thinking about love versus its sneaky doppelganger, attachment.  What is the difference between love and attachment? How can we differentiate between the two feelings, which often become entangled faster than two teens with the lights off.

Love, to me, is a feeling of deep trust and connection. It also produces the type of endorphin induced high that makes me grin like an asshole for no reason at all. (Do assholes grin? There’s a thought.) I love the feeling of love; I want to roll around in it like catnip and then wear it to bed like my boyfriend’s stinky t-shirt.  Love is flexible, and grows with you and around you and even if you have been together forever, love can feel exciting.

Attachment is that angsty feeling you get about someone. Attachment is the feeling of need. Love and attachment are often entangled because they can go hand in hand. You can be in loved and also be attached—most are, which is why we hate being away from those we love. But you don’t have to be in love to be attached. Often we confuse attachment for love, and the easiest way that I can differentiate between the two is this: When you’re in love, you want the other person to be happy. When you’re attached, you want the other person to make YOU happy. Attachment is not really about the other person, but the way that other person makes YOU feel. That’s where that corny saying “If you truly love someone, let them go,” comes from. “But what? I LOVE them. I don’t want to let them go!” says the ego. Echoed behind this is mine mine mine mine.

Defining love is extremely difficult, if not impossible, because it’s a feeling, and how do you define a feeling? Poets have spent centuries trying to define love—some more successfully than others. Whenever I think about trying to put this short-bus-special feeling into words, I am usually reminded of an extremely charged scene in that deliciously dramatic Mike Nichols film, Closer. I love this movie because it only has four cast members—Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Julia Roberts and…gasm..gasm…Clive Owen—and I want to bathe each and every one of them with my tongue, all careful and cat-like. The movie is all about sex and love, and yet shows more of the latter and none of the former (aside from an awk cyber-sex scene between Owen and Law). I am completely enamored with this movie, because of its raw characters and sloppy, real life scenarios. Everyone in it is an asshole, and all of them are likable.  Anyway, at one point, Portman’s character says to Law, “Where is this love? I can’t see it, I can’t touch it. I can’t feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can’t do anything with your easy words.” Ooooph.

During my last Big Breakup, my ex and I sat arguing about The End. He kept repeating (much like Law’s character in the aforementioned scene) the big L word. Finally, channeling my inner Portman, I asked if he could please specifically pinpoint what this feeling of Love is, and why it is so important to him.

After a long pause, he uttered a word that sent my inner-hopeless romantic screaming out of the room, tearing at her hair and slamming the door—and our relationship—shut behind her.  Comfortable. “You’re comfortable,” was what he said.

Comfortable? My bed is comfortable. I look forward to lying down in my bed. I would prefer my bed over the cold floor. If my bed was gone, I would miss it. I enjoy my comfy, comfy bed. But that, my friend, is not love. That is attachment. Attachment is wanting what is comfortable, what is convenient. Love is not always so.

Not that love cannot be comfortable. Love should be comfortable. When we are truly connected to someone else, we should feel comfortable with them. And sometimes, when you have been together  a long, long time, that excited In Love feeling may—after the golden retriever and the kids and the second mortgage—turn into a comfortable partnership. Sure, that happens. There are more important things in a functioning relationship than feeling so excited about someone that the majority of your orifices begin to salivate when they walk into a room. But the sheer feeling of comfort should never ever be mistaken for love.

Personally, I know I am in love when I find myself wanting to share things  that are special to me with that other person. It’s a way of opening myself emotionally, and I often notice it most with places and people that are special to me. My sleepy southern college town nestled in the blue ridge mountains, for instance. I’ve been itching to take my boyfriend there for a reason that is hard to verbalize. This is special to me, this is a part of who I am. Here. You have it.  Or friends who have made a significant impact on my life; I want my partner to meet them. And when something good happens, that other person is the first I want to tell. I have been in non-loving relationships with people that I want to separate from things that are sacred to me. I remember dating a guy and realizing I wasn’t into him when I noticed I never, ever wanted him to come to my house. I liked going to his place so I could leave when I wanted and not feel like he was invading my space. When I love some, I want my space to be their space, too. Get in me!

So what is love to you? How do you differentiate between love and attachment? Have you seen the movie Closer? Do you not want to breathe Natalie Portman’s heavenly pink-wigged stripper scent?

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Remember my rant on monkey-style sex last week, where I posted an excerpt from reader J Boybutter? Well, J Boybutter and I got to talking, and it turns out he is a vegansexual! You know…a vegan who won’t date a non-vegan.

I had never had the chance to actually dish with a vegansexual, so I was pretty tickled to learn this. In the following interview, J Boybutter tells me all about life as a vegansexual, and how to be an accomplished lover. And I apologize in advance that he uses the word “secretions,” which is my LEAST favorite word ever. Saying it is basically the No. 2 easiest way to make me squirm. The No. 1 way is to ball up your fist and put it in my armpit. Has anyone ever done that to you?! So weird! J does redeem himself, though, by also using the word cyprianophobia. Read on to learn what it means!

Also, note that English is not his first language. He is charmingly European. But he does so well with his English, that foxy polyglot!

How long have you been vegan?

I’ve was vegan from 1994 to 2000ish and then fell into the cheese habit for a couple of years and finally got out of it for good as a new years resolution. I went back to veganism in 2009 I’ve quit smoking a year later, mainly after seeing how the put monkeys under tests for cigarettes…. I loved smoking even though I knew it was bad for me. Quitting for the animals was easier. So, overall, I can say I’ve been vegan for about 9 years. Sorta. 6+3 = 9

Have you ever dated a non-vegan since you’ve been vegan?
 Yes, in late 1994, early 1995. I dated a non-vegan in the early 2000s and did have a one night stand with a non-vegan in summer 2009. I’ve never dated a vegan actually. So, I think you can either say I’m a vergan (vegan virgin) or a non-practicing vegansexual.

Now you say when you find out a lady eats meat, you become romantically uninterested. Would you be bothered if someone became uninterested in you because you DON’T eat meat? I’m bothered by it all the time.
Nobody ever told me they stopped being interested when they learned I’m vegan, but I’m pretty sure some did. I’m suspecting that’s one of the reasons it didn’t work out with my ex girlfriend.

Is it just the idea of their flavor that turns you off a meat eater, or their ethics, too?
It’s both. It can taste weird down there. To be an accomplished lover, a man has to lick and kiss intimate parts of his partner. If it tastes leatherish, or meaty, it’s a turnoff to me. Having sex with someone is not just about giving pleasure. It’s also about receiving. You can make funny jokes about guys vs. girls and who’s the true receiver, but in the end, if my experience is spoiled by pungent and reeky body odors and secretions, I prefer to watch some erotic Tumblr porn on my iPhone.

I need an iPhone… So you find the flavor of a woman to be particularly unpleasant if she eats meat, correct?

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Over two years ago I wrote about the friend zone; how you get there, how you (don’t) get out, and of course, the exception to the rule. If you’re too lazy to go back and read my other post , I will give you a nice littler excerpt so you can get the flava flav.

The friend zone; that terrible place you find yourself when you have waited too long to make your move on someone you’re interested in, therefore stranding yourself in that non-negotiable dead end where you’re no longer considered an appealing member of the opposite sex, but a member of their own. A friend. For girls, you’re now one of the guys; expect to hear unending amounts of sports chatter and demeaning jokes. For guys, you may as well tuck your sack back because you’re in for a lot of man-hating rants and discussions about the menstrual cycle. Okay, I retract those statements- I’m being incredibly gender stereotypical. No matter what sex you are, if you find yourself stuck in the friend zone, it’s high time to move, because the more you keep on pining, the more familiar you will become with the words ‘just friends.’

You dig? The friend zone blows. I then went on to discuss the exception to the rule—oh, how He’s Just Not That Into You of me. Sometimes there is an exception, and it occurs when each friend has secretly thought the other was smokin’ hot and there is a level of sexual attraction, and due to circumstance (other relationships, job status, third cousin status) nothing is acted upon.

Whenever you hear those stories about couples who are madly in love now and “it’s so great, because we were friends first!”—they are exceptions to the rule. If they claim they truly were “just friends!” feel free to smack them, because they are delusional. Yes, they may have had a friendship, but also they often thought about what the other might look like naked. As a result, they were able to get over that friend hurdle.  I have plenty of foxy fresh male friends who I don’t think about naked, because they are in the friend zone, and we could never change that because it would be like tonguing my brother. My brother is good looking—but id rather gouge out my eyes than see him naked.

In short, the friend zone is negated when you are sexually attracted to one another.

So, what happens if there is someone who had been just a “friend”–say, because when you met he was dating your old roommate or in your ex-boyfriend’s garage band and therefore “off limits”—but who you always kind of fancied, and five or six years later you realize that maybe the friend zone is an absurd place to (pretend to) put them because A they are awesome B they always smell insanely good even when covered in sweat and C they have an ass that looks like it was sculpted from clay by the hands of Michelangelo himself. You know, something like that. And maybe, for some ridiculous reason, this friend also would like to make out with you, even when sober. Even when you haven’t slept all night and look like a raccoon. Even when they know there is a good possibility that you haven’t bathed for over 24 hours and spent the whole evening dancing at a Manu Chao show, are covered in the sweat of strangers and smell really, really bad. Even after all that, they still think it’s a good idea to kiss you in the subway station while you wait for a train that decides never to come. Okay, cool, congratulations! The friend zone has been skillfully maneuvered out of. But now what!?

Now, things will be eerily different while also eerily the same—sort of like having sex with an ex after a gap of a few years. It’s familiar, but at the same time, very different. There are many positives to dating someone you had been “friends” with for years. For one, you don’t have to worry about them suddenly realizing you’re insane and/or emotionally unstable and deciding to not like you anymore. They are your friend—they know all about your delusional crazies already. Also, there is already a level of respect and trust established so the likelihood of them doing things like lying to you or sleeping with a hooker and then giving you crabs is minimal(ish).

And then, of course, there are negatives. If you are the type of friends who used to complain about your love lives constantly, then you know they aren’t exactly over their last girlfriend, and they know about that time that guy you dated who was into S&M burst 3 blood vessels on your ass… Neither of those are things that are great to be fresh in your mind when trying to begin dating someone. Plus, there is always the risk of things going sour and you seriously messing up your friendship.

So if you think you might want to make some moves and remove some friendly boundaries, be sure to weigh out the pros and cons. Is this someone you actually like and could see yourself maybe dating? Go for it—even if it gets messed up, if you remain respectful you can probably mend the friendship at some point. To amp yourself up for the moves you have to make, listen to Faded, by Soul Decision. It will pump you up. Do you just want to (finally!) see what they look like naked? Better to pawn your single friend off on them and convince them to take photos, or better yet, hide in the closet while shit goes down. What?!

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A new study by OkCupid.com reveals that twitter fanatics may have shorter relationships. Also, the relationships of older users who are also frequent tweeters have an even shorter lifespan!

OkCupid notes: Frequent tweeters have shorter real-life relationships than everyone else, probably via some bit.ly hack. Unfortunately, we have no way to tell who’s dumping who here; whether the twitterati are more annoying or just more flighty than everyone else. 

The site got its info by polling thousands of their members of all ages. Another startling revelation gathered from the same poll? Those who twitter daily are more likely to masturbate (probably because their relationship is failing?).

Those who spend a ton of time tweeting may have shorter relationships due to short attention spans (only 140 characters, please!), or perhaps they are spending more time at the desk and less time investing in their relationships. What do twitter and masturbation have in common? #Immediate gratification with minimal effort.

Check out OkCupid’s collage of sex trend charts here. Also included is the chart that depicts vegetarians enjoy performing oral sex more than non vegetarians (probably because we taste better) with an accompanying list of veg-friendly sex slang, including:

  • Peeling the banana
  • Tossing the salad
  • Squeezing the lemon
  • Sorry, that’s got ham
Okay, off to post this on Twitter,  dump my boyfriend and masturbate. Just kidding! Sort of..
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We’ve seen it in porn, er, I mean movies, a million times. Movies like the trashy Wild Things and sensual Vicky Cristina Barcelona made hot and heavy ménage trois’ look like more fun than these piano stairs. Actually, both on-set three-ways ended terribly. Go figure. Many people who have gotten themselves into a love triangle know that, unless there are absolutely no strings attached, threesomes can be about as fun as the morning after you pounded eleven back-to-back tequila shots. So before diving under the covers with more than one playmate, read the following. Below, I outline four different types of people looking to get into a threesome, and why they should or shouldn’t go for it.

The Pleaser: If you’re considering a threesome solely to satisfy a partner who thinks it would be a good idea, I would think twice before inviting someone else into the bedroom. The situation itself might be awkward, and the aftermath might make you resentful of your partner, jealous (duh) and hurt.

The Proposer: If you’re the one who has proposed the idea of a threesome to your partner, you should be 100% sure that your love bunny is up for it before you start trolling Craigslist. If they seem at all hesitant, and you like your relationship, I would drop the idea and see if you can think of another way to get experimental and work out your fantasy. If it’s just the idea of a threesome you like, maybe work that theme into some dirty talk. As in “If there was another girl here I would ____ her _____ while you ____ my _____.” Also, ask yourself why you are so interested in a threesome in the first place. Are you bored? Is it something you have always been interested in trying? Or are you simply interested in gettin’ down with someone new while remaining (sort of) monogamous.  If it’s the latter, you might want to ask yourself if you’re really happy in your relationship.

The Experimental Couple: If you are part of a pair and both of you think it would be fun to tag-team someone, be sure to talk it out thoroughly before you dive in. If either of you are the jealous type, you might want to reconsider.

The Casuals: This is probably the ideal situation for someone seriously considering a threesome. With no relationships or strings attached to either of your bedroom buddies, than the chances for resentment, jealousy and hurt feelings are minimal. The chances for herpes are higher, however, so make sure everyone covers their junk before they…spelunk?

Check out this interesting NY Times online feature on the history of the threesome and how popular they actually are in real life, according to a seven-day study of NYC Craigslist ‘casual encounters’ posts.

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