Best shoe ad campaign ever? I vote yes.

I originally wrote this post for my Lusty Vegan column on i Eat Grass.

Last week, drinks with my friends turned into drunk with my friends, and what started off as a conversation about dating turned into a heated debate about oral sex. Basically, does it count as sex, and who are we doing it to, and why?

Before I take this topic full throat, let me state my opinion: oral sex is still sex, although my 15-year-old self would have argued differently all day long. SO I am really not going to even take a look at the other end of that argument. Because, for same sex couples, oral sex is often the main event. Sex is sex is sex. However, the difference between deeds, to me, is that for the giver, oral sex is completely selfless (even if it turns them on, too). It is the sexual equivalence to a back rub. You’re doing it for the sole purpose of making the other person feel good, and yeah, it would be nice if you got it back in return. But like giving a gift, you shouldn’t solely be doling out oral with the expectation of getting something in return. Remember? Selfless! So while you may be turned on while performing, you’re mainly doing it for the other person’s benefit…right?

One of the girlfriends I was with argued that she only blows her boyfriends, but never a one night stand or casual fling. Since oral is selfless, why (says my friend) should she bother giving it out to someone she isn’t so crazy about anyway? She would rather just play P in V and get more bang for her..uhm…bang.

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Remember my rant on monkey-style sex last week, where I posted an excerpt from reader J Boybutter? Well, J Boybutter and I got to talking, and it turns out he is a vegansexual! You know…a vegan who won’t date a non-vegan.

I had never had the chance to actually dish with a vegansexual, so I was pretty tickled to learn this. In the following interview, J Boybutter tells me all about life as a vegansexual, and how to be an accomplished lover. And I apologize in advance that he uses the word “secretions,” which is my LEAST favorite word ever. Saying it is basically the No. 2 easiest way to make me squirm. The No. 1 way is to ball up your fist and put it in my armpit. Has anyone ever done that to you?! So weird! J does redeem himself, though, by also using the word cyprianophobia. Read on to learn what it means!

Also, note that English is not his first language. He is charmingly European. But he does so well with his English, that foxy polyglot!

How long have you been vegan?

I’ve was vegan from 1994 to 2000ish and then fell into the cheese habit for a couple of years and finally got out of it for good as a new years resolution. I went back to veganism in 2009 I’ve quit smoking a year later, mainly after seeing how the put monkeys under tests for cigarettes…. I loved smoking even though I knew it was bad for me. Quitting for the animals was easier. So, overall, I can say I’ve been vegan for about 9 years. Sorta. 6+3 = 9

Have you ever dated a non-vegan since you’ve been vegan?
 Yes, in late 1994, early 1995. I dated a non-vegan in the early 2000s and did have a one night stand with a non-vegan in summer 2009. I’ve never dated a vegan actually. So, I think you can either say I’m a vergan (vegan virgin) or a non-practicing vegansexual.

Now you say when you find out a lady eats meat, you become romantically uninterested. Would you be bothered if someone became uninterested in you because you DON’T eat meat? I’m bothered by it all the time.
Nobody ever told me they stopped being interested when they learned I’m vegan, but I’m pretty sure some did. I’m suspecting that’s one of the reasons it didn’t work out with my ex girlfriend.

Is it just the idea of their flavor that turns you off a meat eater, or their ethics, too?
It’s both. It can taste weird down there. To be an accomplished lover, a man has to lick and kiss intimate parts of his partner. If it tastes leatherish, or meaty, it’s a turnoff to me. Having sex with someone is not just about giving pleasure. It’s also about receiving. You can make funny jokes about guys vs. girls and who’s the true receiver, but in the end, if my experience is spoiled by pungent and reeky body odors and secretions, I prefer to watch some erotic Tumblr porn on my iPhone.

I need an iPhone… So you find the flavor of a woman to be particularly unpleasant if she eats meat, correct?

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I love Easter!

Recently I attended a Beyond the  Blowjob workshop at Babeland Brooklyn. This event wasn’t all about hand-mouth techniques; that stuff is apparently covered in another workshop they put out, called the Art of the Blowjob. Basically, what I garnered is that Beyond the Blowjob is for oral sex ninjas who have (or think they have!) mastered mouth techniques and are looking for more. I don’t want to give away all the info that the workshop puts out so I will just run it down, hot and loose.

The Babeland store is pretty tiny, so in the back was about 20 – 30 chairs set up for an intimate evening. The sex educators Elliot and Laura (at least I hope those were their names, I was more focused on all the talk about coronas and hair-pulling) were very fun and knowledgable. We started off the workshop screaming dirty words at eachother, to break the ice. This is a great idea, and I can think of more than a few relationships I wish I had started in this exact fashion. Oh you want to take me to dinner? I’d rather sit inside and scream “Titty F*ck” at you so I can gauge our level of compatibility based on the shade of purple your face reaches.

The workshop covered important issues, like communication, which I rant about here all the time. The educators talked about how couples can use a “Yes, No, Maybe” list to outline what they would or would not be interested in trying out. The key here is to make your lists separately and then compare, so that you answer honestly and don’t feel judged. No judgments!  Also they talked about dirty talk and how that can be used to sneakily communicate what you want. Shy about raunchy word-play? Try out words on your own to see what feels right. My favorite quote from Babeland employee, Laura? “One person’s c*nt is another’s passion flower.”  Basically, different words have different affects on different people, so switch it up, try out new things, and get to know what words steam up your kettle.

As far as blowjob tips, which they did briefly go over, my fav take-away topic was “edging,” which I have always referred to as teasing. Basically you wait until someone is about to come, and then you stop what you’re doing and do something else—or nothing. Repeat repeat repeat until they are so sexually charged their eventual orgasm is amazing—or they punch you in the face for being such an asshole. One or the other. Be sure to cuddle when it’s over to assure them you aren’t really that mean.

The course also covered anal play extensively, which is funny because didn’t I just rant on that recently? Since everyone has an assh*le, Elliot referred to it as an “equal opportunity orifice” which tickled my pink, and Laura stressed the three keys to successful and enjoyable anal play: Relaxation, Communication, and Lubrication. Lube is crucial, because unlike the vagina, your butt doesn’t make any natural lubrication. Or at least, not any type of sexy natural lubrication. Gross.

So there are certain lubes that are best for anal play, and lucky for me two of the best are oh so vegan friendly! Take your pick between Sliquid Sassy Booty and Maximus. One is clearly more manly than the other, but they are both really cushy and forgiving, and you don’t need to reapply the way you would with thinner lubricants. Plus, they are water-based and sex-toy friendly. Woo!

So, have you ever been to a Babeland event? Do you wanna talk about equal opp orifices?  Stayin’ classy over here at SexyTofu…

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A new study by OkCupid.com reveals that twitter fanatics may have shorter relationships. Also, the relationships of older users who are also frequent tweeters have an even shorter lifespan!

OkCupid notes: Frequent tweeters have shorter real-life relationships than everyone else, probably via some bit.ly hack. Unfortunately, we have no way to tell who’s dumping who here; whether the twitterati are more annoying or just more flighty than everyone else. 

The site got its info by polling thousands of their members of all ages. Another startling revelation gathered from the same poll? Those who twitter daily are more likely to masturbate (probably because their relationship is failing?).

Those who spend a ton of time tweeting may have shorter relationships due to short attention spans (only 140 characters, please!), or perhaps they are spending more time at the desk and less time investing in their relationships. What do twitter and masturbation have in common? #Immediate gratification with minimal effort.

Check out OkCupid’s collage of sex trend charts here. Also included is the chart that depicts vegetarians enjoy performing oral sex more than non vegetarians (probably because we taste better) with an accompanying list of veg-friendly sex slang, including:

  • Peeling the banana
  • Tossing the salad
  • Squeezing the lemon
  • Sorry, that’s got ham
Okay, off to post this on Twitter,  dump my boyfriend and masturbate. Just kidding! Sort of..
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NPR’s health blog, Shots, posted a juicy story on March 3rd about a study that found young people are actually choosing to abstain from sex, at least more so than in earlier years.  The post, titled “More Young People Scorning Sex, Study Finds” was reviewing the results from a study conducted by the National Survey of Family Growth and run from 2006 to 2008 which polled more 13,000 young individuals about their sex life. According to NPR, the study found that “27 percent of young men and 29 percent of young women ages 15 to 24 say they’ve never had a sexual encounter. That’s compared to 2002, when 22 percent of both men and women said they had never had any sort of sex.” So,  5-7 percent of young men and women are choosing to abstain from sex. I attribute this directly to the Jonas Brothers and their 2008 campaign for purity rings.

"Let's go home and play scrabble!"

 

In addition, a smaller number of teens seem to be substituting oral sex — which is often misconstrued as safer and therefore done sans protection — for traditional intercourse than in previous years.

As much as I would love to believe that the teens of today are getting smarter about sex, there is the cynical side of me that thinks perhaps they are just getting smarter about lying to interviewers who show up at their doorstep probing with questions about their sex life — sex life? what sex life. The study does conclude that the interviewers made these stops at random front doors, and although they did take necessary precautions (like having participants answer extremely personal questions by  typing answers into computers in case their moms were “listening from the kitchen”), they cannot be 100% positive of the accuracy of their answers. However, to improve the likelihood of honest responses, the study sent only women interviewers, and all in their 40s, which apparently is ” a nice non-threatening age.” Well that’s another reason to look forward to hitting the big 4 0..I can finally stop being so threatening.

Another interesting finding the study pulled up: twice as many women as men reported to having same-sex encounters, with 13 percent of women admitting to girl on girl action, as opposed to only 5.2 percent of men boasting queer encounters.

Aside from being super nosey ( I get it from my dad..), why should we care about the sex trends of the youth of America? Because according to the National Survey of Family Growth, half of all STIs occur among individuals 15-24 years of age, and the direct medical cost of these diseases to 15-24 year olds alone was estimated at $6.5 billion in the year 2000. This time, I blame Miley Cyrus and her green bra.

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There is quite a buzz in the world of sex trends with the new documentary and book out titled Oral Sex is the New Goodnight Kiss. The author and filmmaker Sharlene Azam highlights the sexual promiscuity of girls as young as eleven who are pulling  a Natalie Dylan and selling their virginity, or charging for sexual favors. The documentary has caused a stir with people either agreeing or disagreeing with Azam’s claim that as a whole, the upcoming generation is more sexually active than they have been in previous years.  Of course I am horrified by the prostitution apparently going on in school systems, and I find it very sad. And while Azam did find sufficient examples of this (her studies were based in Canada) I don’t believe prostitution is the norm for most adolescents and teens. When it comes to the claim that they are more sexually active than they were in the past, I am not so sure if I agree with this. It is true that with role models like Miley Cyrus turning from Disney queens to pop-tarts before they are even legal (although who didn’t see that one coming?), adolescent females may be a bit more open about their sexual curiosity.

But in truth, I feel as if ten years ago when I was in junior high, while I don’t remember hearing of any girls prostituting themselves, a large percentage of  my peers were definitely sexually active. As for the title of the documentary, I feel as if junior high and highschool students are  of the age where oral sex is most popular. By engaging in it, the kids feel as if they are sexually mature and yet still technically virgins. And whereas in college aged and older individuals, when you’re dating someone it is automatically assumed that you are sleeping with them, in junior high and early highschool this is not the case. It is expected that you will round all the bases (remember those ridiculous baseball analogies?) before hitting home, and often these relationships are so short-lived you never even get there. Again, I believe sexual education is key here, and if it is true that sexual activity is starting in younger and younger kids, then sex-ed should begin earlier too.

When it comes down to it, kids are always going to explore their sexuality. It’s natural, and there’s nothing we can do about it. But we can help them make smarter decisions by educating them, and hope they will skip the prostitution recruitment center that is apparently open in the girls bathroom and head right to their 5th period science class instead..

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