I am 7 days away from my move to Hawaii, and my new cohabitation situation with my manfriend. We’ve been discussing what will be different in our new living situation (basically everything) and how we will handle any problems should they arise – like splitting groceries, doing chores, etc. These are things to discuss now so that we don’t end up throwing dishes in two months when someone can’t understand how to clear a shower drain for the umpteenth time. I’ve seen relationships derailed over less.

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What? You have a large intestine? Girl, you nasty.

Back in June, I went down to Tennessee to check out Bonnaroo with a handful of my lady friends. We didn’t get to shower for 6 days, and things got a bit dirty. At the campsites, everyone’s tents were on top of each other, so we overheard a lot of really great conversation snippets, like the couple arguing because the boy kept spilling bong water all over his girlfriend’s shoes.

“YOU SPILLED BONGWATER ON MY SHOES!”

“It smells good!”

“IT SMELLS LIKE BONG!”

One evening I overheard a guy saying his last girlfriend used to fart in front of him, and it “ruined it” for him. “Some girls just ruin the mystery, you know,” he said. You know. The mystery of the fact that we, like most humans, have an asshole. I also felt bad for him because I assumed he had probably overheard some conversation snippets emanating from OUR tent. We had a lovely discussion about our lack of bathing opportunities over the past week which was creating something we called “crotch wine.” I wonder what that ruined for him.

I understand that some people want to keep the mystery alive in order to remain sexually alluring. I also understand that some are shy, and talking about bodily functions in front of someone they hope will later be all up inside them can be embarrassing! Or maybe some just think these things are gross. But if you’re gonna date someone long term, then at SOME point you need to be able to talk about bodily functions and a variety of other things that some couples have issues addressing. Let me go over them.

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I recently read an interesting take on gender stereotypes from girlonthenet, about the assumption that men want to have sex ALL THE TIME and that any woman can have sex any time she wants, always. This assumption leads many women to feel horrible and abnormal when sexual rejection rears its ugly head—as it does on the regular for all sexes involved.

The blogger addressed another post, in which a man gives advice to his daughter that all the men she meets just want to sleep with her. He also says that you should just break up with someone if you’re having issues, and let me tell you, this outlook is the reason the divorce rate in America is so freakin’ high…excuse me while I hyperventilate. This man almost, ALMOST redeems himself when he says his daughter should eat her veggies and learn to masturbate. He then seems to make the generalization that white girls masturbate more than other ethnicities. Since I am a white girl who masturbates, will someone else fill me in on this?

It’s true that while many men you meet as a woman may want to sleep with you, not all men will. Believing all men want to bone you will make it hard for you to have platonic friends of the opposite sex, and it will make it more painful when you realize, gee, not everyone wants to hogtie you and smother your naked body in cooking grease, or whatever you’re into….

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I was recently extremely delighted by a writer for XOJane.com who chronicled her obsession with stalking her husband’s lube bottle. The writer, Eliza, was intrigued by her husband’s masturbation habits, simultaneously turned on by the mystery of it all and slightly hurt by the fact that he was masturbating instead of seeking her for help.  I found this to be an interesting combination of reactions. Not everything is black and white.

A couple of my girlfriends get pretty upset when their guys go solo–especially if they are using porn to help them out.

I view masturbation like long road trips. Often I find I need to get somewhere, and a road trip is in order. Usually, I like to enlist a friend for company–it makes things more interesting and allows the time to fly by. However, now and then I want to get in my car and go alone, with no distractions other than my own thoughts and no passenger-seat interruptions  (Can I put it in now? How about now? now?).  Getting off is the same–usually I want a buddy to help me out, but sometimes if you want a job done right you just gotta do it yourself. This in mind, I would never give my guy (or girl) shit for going at it solo..in fact, I have found it is quite the opposite.

Sort of similar to Eliza’s lube OCD, I developed a weird fixation (not quite a fetish) on my guy getting down to the beat of his own, uhm, drum. This fixation has followed me and my relationships since highschool. I know what my solo-sessions are like, but am totally mystified as to how a guy gets off on his own–does he drag it our or get it over with band-aid style? Does he know some cool trick I am clueless about it? What is he thinking of? My ego is not so big as to think he is fantasizing about me all the time–so as long as it isn’t an animal or my mom, I don’t really give a shit. In fact, if he were to share his solo fantasy with me, it would probably be a major turn on.

So, if my life were a porno, I would tell my boyfriend I’m into watching him get into himself, he would give me a show, I would get a facial (say whatt!?), and we would both be happy. Right? Wrong. Every time I have brought up masturbation with a boyfriend–any boyfriend!–they have totally clammed up and either lied (“I haven’t done that since I was like..15..” Right, and I don’t shop for shoes online when my boss leaves early. Really. I don’t.) or been freaked out and convinced I was trying to make them feel guilty or pigeonhole them. No happy endings for me.

And so the interest, for me, will remain unresolved, and I will have to unleash my frustration on a pint or two of home-made banana ice-cream..

Oh, and to clarify the difference between attractive, it’s-good-for-you  masturbation and a masturbation problem (some people have trouble with this..): The thought of my guy getting off on his own while he thinks of me–super hot. Finding my (ex-ex-ex) guy behind my bedroom  having himself a private party while smelling a handful of my sweaters–not so much. True story. Apparently 14-year old boys have no shame.

On that note..

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A new study by OkCupid.com reveals that twitter fanatics may have shorter relationships. Also, the relationships of older users who are also frequent tweeters have an even shorter lifespan!

OkCupid notes: Frequent tweeters have shorter real-life relationships than everyone else, probably via some bit.ly hack. Unfortunately, we have no way to tell who’s dumping who here; whether the twitterati are more annoying or just more flighty than everyone else. 

The site got its info by polling thousands of their members of all ages. Another startling revelation gathered from the same poll? Those who twitter daily are more likely to masturbate (probably because their relationship is failing?).

Those who spend a ton of time tweeting may have shorter relationships due to short attention spans (only 140 characters, please!), or perhaps they are spending more time at the desk and less time investing in their relationships. What do twitter and masturbation have in common? #Immediate gratification with minimal effort.

Check out OkCupid’s collage of sex trend charts here. Also included is the chart that depicts vegetarians enjoy performing oral sex more than non vegetarians (probably because we taste better) with an accompanying list of veg-friendly sex slang, including:

  • Peeling the banana
  • Tossing the salad
  • Squeezing the lemon
  • Sorry, that’s got ham
Okay, off to post this on Twitter,  dump my boyfriend and masturbate. Just kidding! Sort of..
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