Yeah yeah, this compilation probably should have come about in January, when 2012 lists were more prevalent. But, I am always a few months (years) behind trends, and also I hated January. My January 2012 will forever go on the list of The Shittiest Months Ever, right next to April 2003 when I found out my boyfriend was gay and got suspended from school on my birthday. SO, in January I was too busy raving like a loon to compile a list of songs to get down to. Sorry I’m not sorry!

Here are 12 juicy jams, ranging from sweet and slow to fast and freaky, in no particular order. And don’t forget that you can get down to these solo! And of course, remember that Audio Arousal ninja sex fantasy? These would be perfect tunes to pump out of your hipster headphones.

1. Cat Power, “Where is my Love?” Actually I want to have sex to basically every song off of her album, The Greatest. Cat Power is either adored or abhorred for starting off releasing a couple of albums comprised of covers. But her versions of “New York,” “Woman Left Lonely” and “Metal Heart” have my underwear around my ankles so fast I can’t complain. In fact, I seem to have been conditioned Pavlovian style to begin removing articles of clothing the moment I hear her, which is an issue because she is also my favorite artist this year to cook to.

2. Lady Gaga. “Government Hooker.” Lady Gaga is nuts, and most of her songs would be good to get naked to if you’re in a crazy “make a hat out of tinfoil” kind of mood. This hard-hitter makes me want to dominate in a closet-sized, sand-filled hotel room in P-Town.

3. DJ Kaos, “Love the Night Away” (Tiedye Mix). Good beat, sort of funky, with a nice feeling that can set the mood anywhere between passionate and sloppy. Can’t go wrong with anything with a line like “my body needs to talk to you.”


4. Die Antwoord, “I Fink U Freeky.” This is something I would have suggested as a half-joke in my college sex-column. This South African hip-hop group is terrifying. So terrifying that this track makes me want to get naked. The video, however, does NOT make me want to get naked so do not watch it if you plan to have sex to the song, because it will probably ruin it for you. Unless scary inbred-looking hillbillies, snakes, roaches and rats turn you on. Then it will probably enhance the experience…

5. Kings of Leon, “Milk.” With throaty vocals, this sensual song has an ideal pace that goes from slow to fast. It’s gotta be sexy…What do you think they mean when they talk about “salty leave”….

6. Norah Jones, “I Wouldn’t Need You.” I just love Norah Jones; she’s jazzy. This song is good for some slow lovin’ on a Sunday afternoon.

7. Scarlett Johansson, Falling Down. Say what? ScarJo does more than look like a total fox in Woody Allen movies? This surprisingly good Tom Waits cover features David Bowie singing back-up, and if that isn’t enough to make you want to get off to it, then I suspect you have a colon in place of your sex organs.


8. Tommy James & The Shondells, “Crimson and Clover.” This classic is nice and saucy and slow and has a terrific build-up at the end. My college room-mate was obsessed with this song, and with the idea of having sex to it. This one’s for you, B!

9. Air, “Playground Love.” I first heard this song in my favorite depressing film of all time, The Virgin Suicides. It has a lovely sax riff floating throughout. It’s so slow moving it would probably be a good song to have sex to if you were really, really stoned and sloth-like. Lazy sex! (Lazy sex, in case you’re wondering, is sex had in the spoons position.)

10. Lykke Li, “Unrequited Love.” This slow song is actually pretty depressing, but so so so good. And, if you’re an over-grown emo high schooler (cough) then things that are slightly depressing may also actually turn you on. I want to remove a pair of blood-splattered skinny jeans with my teeth to this song.

11. Ozzy Osbourne, “Crazy Train.”  A man pal of mine suggested this Ozzy classic. But he also suggested “I’m A Little Teapot” so I take most of his suggestions cum grano salis. It’s hard for me to get worked up to Ozzy because I remember watching his terrible reality TV show in high school, so I constantly envision him walking around screaming “Sharrrroooon” and complaining about one of his 50 dogs crapping in his living room.

12. Nine Inch Nails, “Only.”  NIN’s “Closer” always gets kudos for being a terrific sex soundtrack, but my pal and fellow blogger Sarah from SarahOnTheGo recently suggested their less popular song, “Only.”  I like.  Its powerful, booming rhythm sets a stage for a good aggressive romp.

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I want a word with whoever Photoshopped out her nipple

Okay so, last summer I ranted about how much I dislike Lady Gaga. But, real talk—people can change! And, girl got under my skin, and so now I sort of respect her for the insane person she is. Also I realized she is pretty smart as far as celebs go…while Lindsay Lo, Kim Kardashian and all those other lime-light loving poptarts can’t go anywhere without 10000 photos being taken, Gaga has created such a heavily costumed presence, that she could throw on a pair of sweats and pull her hair into a ratty bun and go to a movie and no one would notice her because they only expect her to leave the house with her head wrapped in tin foil.

Anyways, last year I got all hopped up when Gaga went out wearing a dress made of meat. 1) that was disgusting, 2) that was wasteful and as a vegan it made me all sorts of cranky and 3) WTF IS WRONG WITH HER?! (Side note: that dress now hangs in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Because it is meat and therefore will go rancid, it was preserved by a taxidermist and then painted to look fresh. Nasty.)

Well, surprise surprise, it looks like Gaga just might top last year’s MTV Video Music Awards. Apparently she will be attending and presenting at this year’s award ceremony—held this coming Sunday—topless. Yup! That’s right—lady bits on display. I am sure it will be blurred out for all of us crowding around our TVs (mine is from 2002, white, has a VHS player and is proudly touting “FM RADIO”) but anyone live at the event will get a nice peep show.

Gaga, you’re insane but…go ahead and get down girl. More power to you.

Okay now watch this MTV VMA promo..

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