Let me start by saying the holidays should not merely be a time to drain your bank accounts in the name of generosity. It should be a time for gratitude, for taking care of ourselves by relaxing and indulging, and for spending time with the people we love. But this is ‘Merica, and here, we like to buy things.

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“This is what you mean by ‘toy,’ right?”

My dad once told me–although he could have gotten this from somewhere else and I am just remembering it as his wisdom bc I’m a closeted daddy’s girl–that a true writer NEEDS to write. If they haven’t written, they feel uncomfortable, like when you really have to pee and there is no time and you’re hopping up and down doing your little pee dance. Okay my dad did not mention a pee dance, I peppered that in myself. What I am getting at is that when I don’t have time to post on SexyTofu I get antsy. Because I just know all fourteen of you out there are stressing over it. Plus I like to create! I want to be creative! This is about me, here.

There is nothing like having zero time to blog and then remembering, oh yes, I can post a redirect to my Lusty Vegan column on iEatGrass! Phew! So, here it is. This week, an email convo with a sexy vegan friend of mine circled around to sex toys, and the man’s take on them. Here is the lovechild of that conversation…

The Lusty Vegan: Man Vs. (Sex) Machine

I suppose I have never lost my inner child, because I still get excited when I get a new toy—and I’m not talking Transformers action figures. Since I write about sex and review sex toys, I suppose it isn’t all that surprising I feel like a kid on Christmas when a box arrives at my door containing a new product to review. I will never forget my room-mates exclamation: “Is that a FIVE POUND box of lube?”

But for those who don’t like to write about their masturbation habits on the Internet, I know sex toys can be a bit of a taboo topic. This is partially why I like reviewing them—to invite people to buy them and hopefully explore a different side of their sexuality. But for most, a sex toy—if owned at all—is something given as a gag gift and then hidden in a nightside table and taken out occasionally, or when the kids are asleep, the boyfriend is at work, etc. Why do I say “when the boyfriend is at work?” Well, the majority of toy owners are women, and the majority of men (but not all!) are a bit intimidated by a battery powered pleasure bot. They view them as a rival, when they should be viewing them as an aid. Men, if your girlfriend’s vibe could talk, it would say “I got your back, bro. Let’s get on this, Bang Bus style. Hive five! Bzzzz.”


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The Hitachi is great for your neck. (If your clit is located on your neck.)

For those of you who don’t speak sex toy, the Hitachi Magic Wand is the Cadillac of toys; Super fun to drive, even if it is a bit bulky and out-dated. This bad boy still plugs into the wall—that’s how out-dated it is, and the box it comes in looks like it’s straight from the 80s, equipped with pictures of spandex clad ladies massaging their calves with it. One, everyone knows you don’t use the Hitachi in a PG fashion and Two, who the heck actually massages their calves?

I’ve been coveting a Hitachi for years, so when I found out one was coming for me to review I got so excited I told just about everyone I know. “Nice knowing you…” my boyfriend said. “Oh, you’re in for a good time,” said my friend C, a Hitachi owner herself.  “How does that make you FEEL?” asked my therapist. (Not really. I can’t afford a therapist.) But real talk, Hitachi is a POWER TOOL company so you can imagine the force behind their toy, which is roughly the size and weight of my forearm.

When my box came in the mail I opened it with more excitement than any Christmannukah gift I’ve received in the past decade and paced around the apartment anxiously waiting for my room-mate to leave. I didn’t even need to try it out to know that no matter how loud I blast my Cat Power Pandora station, the powerful hum of this baby will not be muted. The Hitachi is as discreet as a 7 foot drag queen with a 5 o’clock shadow.

Warning: this toy is not for those who don’t appreciate extremely intense stimulation, or those who don’t want to make weird animal noises normally reserved for dying birds and fornicating primates. The Hitachi only has two speeds: Really Intense and Holy Fuuu-I Came. Usually, when I am giving myself some attention, I like to take my sweet time. I prefer toys that allow me to edge a bit—take myself nearly there and then back off so that my orgasm is crippling. While the Hitachi WILL make you come out of your ears, there is no way to ease yourself into it. My friend C, the Hitachi fan mentioned above, described it perfectly: “The Hitachi is great for when you’re tired and horny and just want to get off and go to sleep.” You will not last for more than 5 minutes unless you have a clit of steel.

I love my Hitachi on a level that is almost comparable to the way I feel about my cat. Not really, but enough to make me want to drive 20 minutes home on my lunch break, spend 2 ½ minutes panting like a prom queen in the back of a Buick, and drive 20 minutes back to the office. Five days a week.

So, what do you think of the Hitachi? Roseanne Barr loves her Hitachi, too. At an MTV VMA show she crowed, “Hitachi make such a good vibrator, I think I’ll buy one of their TVs!” I feel you, Roseanne.

Want a Hitachi? Yeahhh you do. Get it.

Side note: After an intense bout of Bootcamp where I was forced to do 100 plus Burpees (Tough Mudder training!) I actually used the Hitachi on my arms. Just like this picture.

I felt like it was 1984.

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