And then use them to pepper your floral arrangements!

Remember back when I wrote about coming for a cause with Sir Richards? Well I recently had the chance to interview Cory Capoccia, founder of Conscious Contraceptives, another socially conscious rubber retailer—spread those condoms, people! Conscious Contraceptives is also known as Con Con…cute, right? Reminds me of a toddler…I’ve been on a baby-sniffing stint lately. They smell so good!

Anyway, creeper status aside, the organization implements the same one-for-one charity model as TOMS Shoes. Read the following interview, and learn about their grassroots campaign, and their vegan selection! Also, get some info on how you can win a shit ton of condoms! A whole year’s worth! Stock your entire dresser with rubbers and scare away all of your dates with the expansiveness of your condom collection.

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Wait until I Instagram that picture of your dick, dick

Woohoo! The winner of the 6 month membership to vegan culinary portal Spork Online is reader “Beans.” I picked the winner with, so that I wouldn’t be biased in my choice. However, I can completely related to Beans’ rant about V-day! An excerpt:

“I see Valentine’s Day as an excuse to see my man (he lives two hours away), eat some awesomely sensual vegan food, and have mind-blowing sex; who could hate that?!?!”

You and I agree, Beans!

On another note: This has nothing to do with Valentine’s day, or Spork Online, but with fancy penises. What!?!

My most recent ex once lovingly (?) told me he was terrified of being my ex-boyfriend for fear of what I would write about him on the internet. Seriously, I am suspicious it was at least 77 percent of the reason he didn’t want to break up. I’m batshit crazy and we lived 8 hours apart! There could be no other reason.

With that in mind, this video—courtesy of my fav procrastination website—is a terrific example of why break-ups and the internet go together like a night of heavy drinking and dairy products.

I’ve tried for twenty minutes to embed this but I’m being punished for that time I cruelly wrote about a (different) ex’s small penis on the internet. Bad karma. You should go watch this video, where Rachel Bloom sings a ballad to her ex’s small penis, the pictures of which she is Photoshopping into tuxedos and posting on the internet. (I never did any of that! I don’t have the Photoshop skills…) So, you will just have to go old-school style and just click on it. Do it. And if you know why’s videos will not embed on here correctly, get at me.If Breakup Ballads Were More Realistic (And Way Crazier) — powered by
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Ohhh, crap! Valentines day is coming up. You know… dooms-day for singles and cynics alike.  I will be writing more on Hallmark’s holiday early next week (I know you can’t wait), but until then, here is a contest for you!

The winner will receive an awesome 6 month membership to Spork Online.

Sporkwhat? Spork Foods is an LA based gourmet vegan food company owned and operated by super sweet sisters Jenny Engel and Heather Goldberg. They offer live cooking classes in LA at Spork Foods, online vegan cooking classes at, one-on-one in-home healthy pantry makeovers, and recipe development/trainings for chefs, food companies and colleges. Their cookbook, Spork-Fed, is currently in stores, with a foreword by fellow fans and sisters, Emily and Zooey Deschanel—the latter of whom I have a ginormous girly crush on although I find the spelling of her name to be inferior. When she plays the ukulele, I get all swoony. And when she makes that joke in 500 Days of Summer about being called “anal girl” in high school, I forgive Joseph Gordon-Levitt for ruining my favorite Hall N Oates song with his upsetting musical number.

I'll show you a spork...

So, Spork Online is an awesome vegan culinary portal where you can view exclusive cooking demos, snag recipes, and ask the sisters themselves questions. The sister-pair teach a different themed cooking class each month, with archived classes for you to watch whenever you want. Win the contest and join for 6 months, free. I love free.

So how do you win?
Here are the steps, they are super easy, just like 10 of the 13 girls I lived with in college.  Joking! (ish).  You have until V-day to enter! Submit your responses by midnight, February 14 . The winner will be announced on the 15th.

1. First, subscribe to SexyTofu if you haven’t already
2.  Like this post. I NEED positive affirmations on the reg, people.
3. Launch me your best pro or anti v-day rant in the comments section. I don’t care if you love it and want to roll around in mounds of cheap, synthetic stuffed animals all day, or if you hate it and plan on calling out sick to eat massive amounts of candy all alone and burn pictures of your ex. Think it’s great? Let me know. Think it’s as brilliant as spreading Sriracha on your genitals? Let me know. (But don’t do that, please.)

And, because the ladies at Spork Foods are so fantastic, they have provided SexyTofu with an exclusive vegan mint chocolate truffle recipe, just in time for V-day. And by exclusive I mean, everyone who bought their cookbook, Spork-Fed, can also see the recipe.

Jenny and Heather are huge V-day fans, not only because love is lovely but because it gives them an excuse to cook with aphrodisiacs. Dark, good quality chocolate is high in anti-oxidants and flavanoids, which amp up blood flow. And I know you know what I mean when I say “blood flow.”

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I am excited to be holding the first-ever contest here on SexyTofu! I have some amazing sexy stuff to give out, all products featured in Stuff I Get Off On. There are two ways to win, and two winners will be chosen; feel free to enter both ways to up your chances. Winners will get a fun SexyTofu approved box filled with Astroglide products, soap from Filthy Farmgirl’s raunch line, and a few other surprise goodies. Here are the following ways you can win:

Entry One:
– Subscribe to SexyTofu over there on the right!
– Follow me on Twitter @SexyTofuBlog and tweet me an all-star pick up line (get creative!) with #Contest in it so I know what you’re after, and the following shortlink so that you spread the SexyTofu love :

Entry Two:
In the comments section below, tell me one (or both) of the following:

Your favorite pre or post sex ritual. This can be as stereotypical as the post-gasm cigarette (bad bad cancer!) or an inventive way you and your partner get steamed up or cooled down. Rituals can be simple, like saucy pillow talk, or inventive. Ever thought about dumping warm noodles all over your naked body? Want your lady to go down on you while you watch Godzilla on a projector screen? What?! Some people have vivid imaginations and really nice butts. Get creative!

The go-to meal you would prepare for someone you are trying to impress, because we all know that—aside from nurturing your body and enjoying delicious food—the main reason you like to cook is to impress people. Especially people you are hoping to sleep with. I’m onto you!

Contest will run from today until Wednesday the 25th! Check back on the 26th to see the winner.

I encourage you to try and come up with the most interesting, creative answer possible. Or you could make up a bold-faced lie—I will probably never know.

..Not this kind of contest

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