When you think of things that aren’t vegan, your mind may drift to your room-mates wedge of vomit-smelling parmigiano reggiano hibernating in that small compartment in the door of your fridge. Yuck. What you probably don’t think of are the condoms stashed next to your bed. Unfortunately, many latex condoms do contain the milk protein casein, so if you want to avoid bumpin’ your bits against some animal byproducts, you should look for vegan condoms.
If you asked me my vegan condom of choice, I would eagerly tell you that I like Sir Richard’s Condoms. In fact, even if you DON’T ask me, I will overshare and tell you anyway, perhaps embarrassing you in a public setting like on the subway or at brunch. Sir Richard makes the best condoms. Let me write a love letter to them about all the ways I adore them.
Dear Sir Richard,
Thank you for making cruelty-free, casein-free condoms. I love you because of your inaugural donation of 500,000 condoms to Haiti, preventing diseases and promoting safe boning globally. And similar to that intelligent Tom of Tom’s Shoes, whenever someone buys a Sir Richard’s condom, you donate one to a developing country. When I wrap up my manfriend’s manfriend in your animal-free loveglove, I feel like I am helping someone in a far off country catch a hot swampy load, and this makes me feel both worldly and noble, like I’m doing community service without leaving my bedroom. Also, you impress me with the fact that you not only donate condoms, but design specific culturally relevant brands with the help of local artists and health-care providers, so that gorgeous Haitian goddess isn’t worried about the weird logo on her condom package and can follow the directions to apply it to her boyfriend’s junk correctly and with ease. Also, the name of your company makes me think of King Arthur, which makes me nostalgic for my childhood, which clearly is how you WANT to feel when blowing in the reservoir tip of a condom to make sure it will catch all those spermies before they parade up your cervix and impregnate you.
Thank you for your fun designs; I particularly like your bright, plaid wrappers. So does my cat, who finds them under my bed and bats them around before bringing them to me like a dog three days after the deed has been done. I am a big fan of your Ultra Thin variety, and your Pleasure Dots, which—again reminiscent of my childhood—remind me of those colorful dots that taste like sugary sawdust yet were fun to eat off the paper. And thank you for selling your condoms in a variety pack so I can decide which ones I like before buying an entire box—I have commitment issues.
Most importantly, thank you for allowing me to come for a cause.
Love and cruelty-free snuggles,
That’s enough weirdness for today! I’m gonna go put some spinach in my blender now.