SO I have been holding out on addressing this whole Fifty Shades of Grey nonsense for two reasons: 1) I hadn’t read it and 2) I had no interest in reading it.

“Have you read Fifty Shades?” asked my roomie. Unnghhh I groan, and leave her to her reruns of the Jersey Shore. “So what do you think of Fifty Shades?!” says a friend of a friend. “How much porn do you write?” asks my boyfriend’s mother, who somehow got the notion I write erotica a la Fifty Shades.

I had heard really great things about the book from people whose literature tastes are completely opposite my own, and heard really terrible things about it from those with similar tastes. Also, everyone and their mother (seriously, my boyfriend’s mom…) wanted to know if I had read it–since I write about sex clearly I must have read it. Right?

No! I refuse! Just as I refused to read Twilight. I can’t handle a terribly written book just for a smutty plot—although I do adore a well written book with a smutty plot! While I would love to read about a woman being paddled in a red room, if it’s badly written I would rather spend my time painting my bedroom red and then asking my boyfriend to paddle me in it.

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Well-traveled rubbers!

When you think of things that aren’t vegan, your mind may drift to your room-mates wedge of vomit-smelling parmigiano reggiano hibernating in that small compartment in the door of your fridge. Yuck. What you probably don’t think of are the condoms stashed next to your bed. Unfortunately, many latex condoms do contain the milk protein casein, so if you want to avoid bumpin’ your bits against some animal byproducts, you should look for vegan condoms.

If you asked me my vegan condom of choice, I would eagerly tell you that I like Sir Richard’s Condoms. In fact, even if you DON’T ask me, I will overshare and tell you anyway, perhaps embarrassing you in a public setting like on the subway or at brunch. Sir Richard makes the best condoms. Let me write a love letter to them about all the ways I adore them.

Condom confetti! Like a party for your dick!

Dear Sir Richard,
Thank you for making cruelty-free, casein-free condoms. I love you because of your inaugural donation of 500,000 condoms to Haiti, preventing diseases and promoting safe boning globally. And similar to that intelligent Tom of Tom’s Shoes, whenever someone buys a Sir Richard’s condom, you donate one to a developing country. When I wrap up my manfriend’s manfriend in your animal-free loveglove, I feel like I am helping someone in a far off country catch a hot swampy load, and this makes me feel both worldly and noble, like I’m doing community service without leaving my bedroom. Also, you impress me with the fact that you not only donate condoms, but design specific culturally relevant brands with the help of local artists and health-care providers, so that gorgeous Haitian goddess isn’t worried about the weird logo on her condom package and can follow the directions to apply it to her boyfriend’s junk correctly and with ease. Also, the name of your company makes me think of King Arthur, which makes me nostalgic for my childhood, which clearly is how you WANT to feel when blowing in the reservoir tip of a condom to make sure it will catch all those spermies before they parade up your cervix and impregnate you.

Thank you for your fun designs; I particularly like your bright, plaid wrappers. So does my cat, who finds them under my bed and bats them around before bringing them to me like a dog three days after the deed has been done. I am a big fan of your Ultra Thin variety, and your Pleasure Dots, which—again reminiscent of my childhood—remind me of those colorful dots that taste like sugary sawdust yet were fun to eat off the paper. And thank you for selling your condoms in a variety pack so I can decide which ones I like before buying an entire box—I have commitment issues.

Most importantly, thank you for allowing me to come for a cause.
Love and cruelty-free snuggles,
Z

That’s enough weirdness for today! I’m gonna go put some spinach in my blender now.

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I love Easter!

Recently I attended a Beyond the  Blowjob workshop at Babeland Brooklyn. This event wasn’t all about hand-mouth techniques; that stuff is apparently covered in another workshop they put out, called the Art of the Blowjob. Basically, what I garnered is that Beyond the Blowjob is for oral sex ninjas who have (or think they have!) mastered mouth techniques and are looking for more. I don’t want to give away all the info that the workshop puts out so I will just run it down, hot and loose.

The Babeland store is pretty tiny, so in the back was about 20 – 30 chairs set up for an intimate evening. The sex educators Elliot and Laura (at least I hope those were their names, I was more focused on all the talk about coronas and hair-pulling) were very fun and knowledgable. We started off the workshop screaming dirty words at eachother, to break the ice. This is a great idea, and I can think of more than a few relationships I wish I had started in this exact fashion. Oh you want to take me to dinner? I’d rather sit inside and scream “Titty F*ck” at you so I can gauge our level of compatibility based on the shade of purple your face reaches.

The workshop covered important issues, like communication, which I rant about here all the time. The educators talked about how couples can use a “Yes, No, Maybe” list to outline what they would or would not be interested in trying out. The key here is to make your lists separately and then compare, so that you answer honestly and don’t feel judged. No judgments!  Also they talked about dirty talk and how that can be used to sneakily communicate what you want. Shy about raunchy word-play? Try out words on your own to see what feels right. My favorite quote from Babeland employee, Laura? “One person’s c*nt is another’s passion flower.”  Basically, different words have different affects on different people, so switch it up, try out new things, and get to know what words steam up your kettle.

As far as blowjob tips, which they did briefly go over, my fav take-away topic was “edging,” which I have always referred to as teasing. Basically you wait until someone is about to come, and then you stop what you’re doing and do something else—or nothing. Repeat repeat repeat until they are so sexually charged their eventual orgasm is amazing—or they punch you in the face for being such an asshole. One or the other. Be sure to cuddle when it’s over to assure them you aren’t really that mean.

The course also covered anal play extensively, which is funny because didn’t I just rant on that recently? Since everyone has an assh*le, Elliot referred to it as an “equal opportunity orifice” which tickled my pink, and Laura stressed the three keys to successful and enjoyable anal play: Relaxation, Communication, and Lubrication. Lube is crucial, because unlike the vagina, your butt doesn’t make any natural lubrication. Or at least, not any type of sexy natural lubrication. Gross.

So there are certain lubes that are best for anal play, and lucky for me two of the best are oh so vegan friendly! Take your pick between Sliquid Sassy Booty and Maximus. One is clearly more manly than the other, but they are both really cushy and forgiving, and you don’t need to reapply the way you would with thinner lubricants. Plus, they are water-based and sex-toy friendly. Woo!

So, have you ever been to a Babeland event? Do you wanna talk about equal opp orifices?  Stayin’ classy over here at SexyTofu…

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This is a sample size, and actually is quite tiny. Pocket sized!

What’s better than organic personal care products? Organic personal care products for your ladyparts! And by “personal care” I mean “will give you an orgasm.” That’s caring, right? I am really into this Pure Pleasure Arousal Gel from Blossom Organics, but I will admit I was nervous to try it because I had read mixed reviews on it. Some said it was ah-ahh-ahhhmazing, while others went all Smeagol with their feedback—“It burns!”

Also I am skeptical of “arousal gels” in general because the directions always read something like  “put on your clitoris and rub.” I could put hair gel on my clitoris and if I rubbed long enough I am pretty sure it would lead to arousal.  But I was excited to try this out anyway.

I have come to the decision that those who didn’t enjoy the tingling, mentholy sensation probably have really sensitive skin. I do not—I’m tough like ox. The gel made my ladyparts feel like they had had about 4 cups of coffee—super alert and aware. Every sensation was intensified, and game-time took about half as long as it normally would. When I was done, my boyfriend (thanks for guinea pigging with me, you wonderful man) asked how the product  was and I am pretty sure I mumbled something half-coherent like “liquid sex crack!”

Now this is where it went a little loopy. You know how you’re supposed to pee after sex so you don’t get a UTI? If you didn’t know that, you know it now. Well, in the bathroom post test-run, I happened to look in the mirror and noticed something peculiar. I had a large, man-sized red handprint on my arm. I  looked down to notice fingerprints on my thighs. While nothing hurt, and there was no red marks around my girlygoods (I told you, tough like ox) anywhere non-genital that the product had touched my skin was raised and red. If I hadn’t looked in the mirror and had just passed out in sweaty post-gasmy euphoria, I never would have noticed. This side effect is not enough to keep me from recommending the product, and it is certainly not enough to stop me from using it because like I said, liquid sex crack.

Wanna try it? Get it here! Also, I will be giving away a sample in my Stuff I Get Off On give-away contest which you can enter until tomorrow, Wednesday the 25th!

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How can you resist that face?

What’s better than a sex toy? A really cute and discreet sex toy, that’s what! Look how adorable this vibrating bath buddy is. I’m gonna call him Count Quackula. Is that weird? I mean to name your sex toys…anyway, I Rub My Duckie is one of those vibes that claims to be a “massager,” as if it’s foolin’ anybody.  Right, mister duck…you’re a “massager” and I write about “romance.”

The cutest of all of my playthings, this little guy has 3 speeds and is waterproof cause, duh, he is made for the tub! He also claims he can be good for couples, but my man-friend lives pretty far away from my bathtub and so I can’t vouch for that. But I can tell you he makes you want to stay in the tub long after the water cools. The only quacks (no? too much?) I had with my Dirty Donald were that he is loud, and pretty large. But if you don’t mind big and noisy and you want something as unique as it is discreet, then go duck yourself! Buy him for a friend for Christmas or Hanukkah. Also, put bubbles in your tub because they make every bathing experience joyous.

Do you love your I Rub My Duckie duck? Do you have any more corny jokes that involve the word “quack?” Are you a mother and were you mortified when your child stole your duck for tub-time?

Zucchini poses with the duck for a size reference…is that weird?

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This is not a finger puppet…

I’ve had a handful of people email me recently for sex toy suggestions—doing a little holiday shopping, perhaps? One reader asked for a “beginner friendly” toy, while another asked for one that is good for using with a friend. Enter the PicoBong Ipo Finger Vibe, which is as fun to use as it is to say. PIICCCCOOOBONG. Sounds like a cute cuddly Japanese anime.

This cute little bullet shaped toy fits over a finger and is small enough for travel and discreet storage. Plus, if you want to use it with a friend, it won’t make them feel inadequate the way bringing some 9 inch monster truck into bed would. It has 12 speeds, the highest of which could probably cause some teeth chattering. Despite its power-toolesque capabilities, it is pretty quiet, which is key if you live with people who would probably be uncomfortable hearing a lawn-mower in your bedroom at midnight.

This is actually the first toy whose “pulse” speed, or should I say speeds (it has 12 pulse varieties) actually appealed to me. A while back, while showing a toy to a friend, he asked me why that toy didn’t have a pulse option.( I do this on occasion, like a dog bringing its favorite bone to a new house guest. Look what I got! Tail wags all around.)

“No one uses pulse, anyways. It’s not a blender,” I replied.
“I am sure someone uses it, or they wouldn’t keep making vibrators with pulse options,” he commented, logically.
“Whoever keeps putting out pulsing vibes clearly has no clitoris,” I retorted. Because really, who wants to be flicked repeatedly in your most sensitive area? That sounds like a mean play-ground game.

Now, this doesn’t happen often, so pay attention to what I am admitting here: I was wrong. Apparently I just had some bad experiences with past pulse settings, because the Finger Vibe pulse option may have just ruined my social life. The only qualm I have with it is that in order to get the pulsey goodness, you have to first take the toy to full speed. Some ladies are sensitive and full speed—pulse or no pulse—might make them a bit numb.

Tell me your favorite sex toy, please. Do you use the pulse option for anything other than making soup in your Cuisinart?

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Let’s face it; winter sucks. The weather is cold, it’s still dark when you wake up and when you get out of work, and all of your friends suddenly have significant others because it’s cuffin’ season, and so you’re left to watch read copious amounts of books porn and cuddle your cat on a Friday night because it’s too cold to walk to the bar and plus, going there alone would sort of make you seem like an alcoholic, no?

Here are 5 ways to cheer yourself up if you’re feeling a chill from what your therapist calls “Seasonal Onset Depression,” which is psycho babble for “It’s Too Cold Out.”
1. Call someone who loves you. This can be your mom, old college roomie, ex-boyfriend still hung up on you, your dad who will harass you about the inappropriate content of your blog and your misuse of the word “anyway” but adores you all the same, whatever. Someone who will make you feel appreciated and loved and needed.
2. Cook. There is a reason people gain weight in the winter. It’s cold out, you are probably stuck inside and possibly bored, and you want something comforting and warm in your belly. Open your cupboards and get creative with what you already have. I like pancakes for dinner.
3. Do something creative. Write, draw, sing, play an instrument, make a collage, knit a sweater, whatever. Spending time making something, anything, offers a great sense of productivity and empowerment.
4. Dance. Put on something you know will get you moving, and jump around. The sillier, the better. Nothing to make you smile like a bit of silliness.
6. Love yourself. Unless you have a friend around to give you an O, a little self love will do a world of wonders. Say it with me: Oxcytocins. In the mood for a new toy? Check out Babeland.com for some inspiration. Spoil yourself with a bit of retail therapy; Christmas is only a few weeks away and patience has never been my thing, anyway.

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