Review Category : Fetish Confession


I was going to wait until Friday to do a Fetish Friday on this, but I just couldn’t contain my excitement. This is probably my favorite fetish, if not only for the amazing name. Spankophilia! If a Greek married an Italian and they made a pastry, this is what it would be called. But if you haven’t guessed, spankophilia is spanking for the erotic gratification of either or both parties involved. Spanking can be done with hands, paddles, canes or other fun party toys. It can be combined with bondage and is often a big part of dominant/submissive culture.

I like the whole “punishment” thing behind spanking. When you pay your taxes, floss your teeth and recycle, you rarely ever get to be a “bad, bad girl.” This kind of role playing allows you to feel naughty without getting too involved. You don’t have to make up a big sexy plot or put on a costume…although you can! Plus, if you’re a fan of mild pain-for-pleasure, it feels good. So spanking is a go in my book. Analyze me all you want, Freud.

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There are some things I just don’t understand. Like the obsession with putting bacon on dessert or why everyone makes a big deal about the sex appeal of Michael Phelps. But the most recent trend that makes me want to slam my head into my desk is anal tattoos. As in, getting a tattoo on your holiest of holes. Not on your cheeks, not peeking out above your crack a la stamp de tramp, but on the actual anal opening. Vomit into my coffee mug a bit.

I am completely behind self expression, tattoos, and the occasional anal party. But I also love sex and animals, and I don’t ever think those two should be combined.

At a recent tattoo expo, a 22-year old Florida woman got an anal tattoo with not one but two men’s names on it. And, according to her, it feels “so good.” One, I would like to know who these men are that don’t mind sharing her anal real estate. And two: so good? Call me a prude, but how?

I get the allure of pain as pleasure. And I actually enjoyed both the excitement and actual physical sensation of getting inked. But my tattoos are far, far from both entrances to my lady business. I can understand getting a tattoo of an asshole more than getting a tattoo on your asshole.

And WHO are you getting these stink inks for? Many say their tattoos are modes of self expression, but if you can’t see your artistic lovechild without a hand mirror and a few yoga sessions, then that explanation doesn’t cut if for me. So then are you getting it for the other people in your life who are blessed with regular anal viewings? Can’t you just cuddle? Are you really that desperate to do something different that this is what it has come to?

I really just DON’T get it. Please, someone explain this to me.

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Fetish Friday is back! I know you were angsting. Yesterday my girl Sarah from SarahOnTheGo wrote about some interesting fetishes, and I realized how much I missed ranting about the mysterious world of the fetish.

So today, I am focusing on algolagnia—the pain fetish. Someone with a pain fetish gets off on suffering from pain, often but not always directed at the genitals. This is different from your run of the mill masochism, because algolagniacs aren’t merely getting off on the idea of dominating or being dominated but on the actual FEELING of pain—the nerve impulses. Algolagnia is an uncontrollable physical phenomenon where the brain reads feelings of pain as feelings of pleasure. Algolagnia is physical, where masochism is psychological. Plus, masochism doesn’t always include pain at all—humiliation and domination/submission are masochisms primal ingredients.

But what causes algolagnia? Is it a physical reaction rooted in the psyche? Is it really mental? A learned Pavlovian response? Some scientists think no. Recent studies have shown that algolagniacs may actually have errors in their DNA. Modern researchers using MRI and computer models of neuron firing patterns show that most algolagniacs experience pain differently from others.

It is rumored that those who enjoy sexual pain are also hypersexual, and algolagnia was once considered a psychological disorder. BUT so was homosexuality, and we see how times have changed!

SO, do you have a pain fetish? Remember when I interviewed that trampler? Do you have any fetish? I would love to talk to you about it…get at me.

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Fetish Friday is back.  I know you missed it. Today’s fetish is shredding, or the act of ripping or tearing stockings, fishnets, and other undergarments off your partner (with your teeth, if you like). Perhaps this isn’t a hardcore fetish like Trichophilia or Narratophilia but it has a small cult following.

The shredding of fishnet, lace or other synthetic material makes a satisfying rrrriiiiiipppping noise that synergizes the whole dominant/submissive vibe. The shredder feels powerful and in control, while the shredded gets to enjoy feeling like their partner wants them so badly they are literally tearing their clothing off. Or, if you look at it another way, shredding can be a minor league player in a ravishment fantasy. The shredder is forcefully taking what the shredded isn’t quite ready to give.

Ladies, make use of your ruined, runny stockings and give shredding a try—since it is a major sensory stimulator (ahhh, the noise! Like popping those bubbles in the bubble wrap) I hear it can be fun to stoke your senses first with some decriminalized herbal remedies.

Have you tried shredding? Wanna talk to me about your fetish? Email me at SexyTofuBlog(at)Yahoo.com

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Yeah yeah, this compilation probably should have come about in January, when 2012 lists were more prevalent. But, I am always a few months (years) behind trends, and also I hated January. My January 2012 will forever go on the list of The Shittiest Months Ever, right next to April 2003 when I found out my boyfriend was gay and got suspended from school on my birthday. SO, in January I was too busy raving like a loon to compile a list of songs to get down to. Sorry I’m not sorry!

Here are 12 juicy jams, ranging from sweet and slow to fast and freaky, in no particular order. And don’t forget that you can get down to these solo! And of course, remember that Audio Arousal ninja sex fantasy? These would be perfect tunes to pump out of your hipster headphones.

1. Cat Power, “Where is my Love?” Actually I want to have sex to basically every song off of her album, The Greatest. Cat Power is either adored or abhorred for starting off releasing a couple of albums comprised of covers. But her versions of “New York,” “Woman Left Lonely” and “Metal Heart” have my underwear around my ankles so fast I can’t complain. In fact, I seem to have been conditioned Pavlovian style to begin removing articles of clothing the moment I hear her, which is an issue because she is also my favorite artist this year to cook to.

2. Lady Gaga. “Government Hooker.” Lady Gaga is nuts, and most of her songs would be good to get naked to if you’re in a crazy “make a hat out of tinfoil” kind of mood. This hard-hitter makes me want to dominate in a closet-sized, sand-filled hotel room in P-Town.

3. DJ Kaos, “Love the Night Away” (Tiedye Mix). Good beat, sort of funky, with a nice feeling that can set the mood anywhere between passionate and sloppy. Can’t go wrong with anything with a line like “my body needs to talk to you.”

oldschool

4. Die Antwoord, “I Fink U Freeky.” This is something I would have suggested as a half-joke in my college sex-column. This South African hip-hop group is terrifying. So terrifying that this track makes me want to get naked. The video, however, does NOT make me want to get naked so do not watch it if you plan to have sex to the song, because it will probably ruin it for you. Unless scary inbred-looking hillbillies, snakes, roaches and rats turn you on. Then it will probably enhance the experience…

5. Kings of Leon, “Milk.” With throaty vocals, this sensual song has an ideal pace that goes from slow to fast. It’s gotta be sexy…What do you think they mean when they talk about “salty leave”….

6. Norah Jones, “I Wouldn’t Need You.” I just love Norah Jones; she’s jazzy. This song is good for some slow lovin’ on a Sunday afternoon.

7. Scarlett Johansson, Falling Down. Say what? ScarJo does more than look like a total fox in Woody Allen movies? This surprisingly good Tom Waits cover features David Bowie singing back-up, and if that isn’t enough to make you want to get off to it, then I suspect you have a colon in place of your sex organs.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USiLOQFW3X4]

8. Tommy James & The Shondells, “Crimson and Clover.” This classic is nice and saucy and slow and has a terrific build-up at the end. My college room-mate was obsessed with this song, and with the idea of having sex to it. This one’s for you, B!

9. Air, “Playground Love.” I first heard this song in my favorite depressing film of all time, The Virgin Suicides. It has a lovely sax riff floating throughout. It’s so slow moving it would probably be a good song to have sex to if you were really, really stoned and sloth-like. Lazy sex! (Lazy sex, in case you’re wondering, is sex had in the spoons position.)

10. Lykke Li, “Unrequited Love.” This slow song is actually pretty depressing, but so so so good. And, if you’re an over-grown emo high schooler (cough) then things that are slightly depressing may also actually turn you on. I want to remove a pair of blood-splattered skinny jeans with my teeth to this song.

11. Ozzy Osbourne, “Crazy Train.”  A man pal of mine suggested this Ozzy classic. But he also suggested “I’m A Little Teapot” so I take most of his suggestions cum grano salis. It’s hard for me to get worked up to Ozzy because I remember watching his terrible reality TV show in high school, so I constantly envision him walking around screaming “Sharrrroooon” and complaining about one of his 50 dogs crapping in his living room.

12. Nine Inch Nails, “Only.”  NIN’s “Closer” always gets kudos for being a terrific sex soundtrack, but my pal and fellow blogger Sarah from SarahOnTheGo recently suggested their less popular song, “Only.”  I like.  Its powerful, booming rhythm sets a stage for a good aggressive romp.

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Remember my rant on monkey-style sex last week, where I posted an excerpt from reader J Boybutter? Well, J Boybutter and I got to talking, and it turns out he is a vegansexual! You know…a vegan who won’t date a non-vegan.

I had never had the chance to actually dish with a vegansexual, so I was pretty tickled to learn this. In the following interview, J Boybutter tells me all about life as a vegansexual, and how to be an accomplished lover. And I apologize in advance that he uses the word “secretions,” which is my LEAST favorite word ever. Saying it is basically the No. 2 easiest way to make me squirm. The No. 1 way is to ball up your fist and put it in my armpit. Has anyone ever done that to you?! So weird! J does redeem himself, though, by also using the word cyprianophobia. Read on to learn what it means!

Also, note that English is not his first language. He is charmingly European. But he does so well with his English, that foxy polyglot!

How long have you been vegan?

I’ve was vegan from 1994 to 2000ish and then fell into the cheese habit for a couple of years and finally got out of it for good as a new years resolution. I went back to veganism in 2009 I’ve quit smoking a year later, mainly after seeing how the put monkeys under tests for cigarettes…. I loved smoking even though I knew it was bad for me. Quitting for the animals was easier. So, overall, I can say I’ve been vegan for about 9 years. Sorta. 6+3 = 9

Have you ever dated a non-vegan since you’ve been vegan?
 Yes, in late 1994, early 1995. I dated a non-vegan in the early 2000s and did have a one night stand with a non-vegan in summer 2009. I’ve never dated a vegan actually. So, I think you can either say I’m a vergan (vegan virgin) or a non-practicing vegansexual.

Now you say when you find out a lady eats meat, you become romantically uninterested. Would you be bothered if someone became uninterested in you because you DON’T eat meat? I’m bothered by it all the time.
Nobody ever told me they stopped being interested when they learned I’m vegan, but I’m pretty sure some did. I’m suspecting that’s one of the reasons it didn’t work out with my ex girlfriend.

Is it just the idea of their flavor that turns you off a meat eater, or their ethics, too?
It’s both. It can taste weird down there. To be an accomplished lover, a man has to lick and kiss intimate parts of his partner. If it tastes leatherish, or meaty, it’s a turnoff to me. Having sex with someone is not just about giving pleasure. It’s also about receiving. You can make funny jokes about guys vs. girls and who’s the true receiver, but in the end, if my experience is spoiled by pungent and reeky body odors and secretions, I prefer to watch some erotic Tumblr porn on my iPhone.

I need an iPhone… So you find the flavor of a woman to be particularly unpleasant if she eats meat, correct?

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Being a vegan, it’s no surprise I love animals. I like to snuggle them, talk about them, and learn about them. And because I like to talk about and learn about sex, it’s also no surprise I like learning about the sex habits of different species. And animals do have very fascinating mating habits. I’ve talked about this topic twice on here the past two months alone; Once when talking about Green Porno, Isabella Rossellini’s terrific series on the mating and seduction habits of animals, and once when discussing my field trip to the Museum of Sex in NYC.

Sometimes I tweet awk sex/animal facts, too.

But one reader, J, from sunny California, emailed me over a story about the way the sexual behavior of animals–or at least, one position in particular–changed his sex life. And I have turned it into a lovely guest  excerpt because I find him humorous and refreshing (and was too lazy to respond with more questions, as deadlines at work are KILLING ME. Not softly a la Fugees. They’re slamming me hard).

Monkey Style: How A Zoology Document Changed My Sex Life Forever

By J Boybutter

This was a long time ago. My girlfriend at that moment was doing classical studies but her roommate was doing her undergrad diploma in biology. The roommate had brought a documentary about mating habits of animals. She suggested we watch it later. One night, when the roommate was away, my gf put the zoology documentary cassette in the video tape player (yes, it was in the VHS era!) and pressed play. We were kinda broke and this would be our entertainment for the night. Everybody loves animal docs. Right?  The movie didn’t turn any of us on but it did make us laugh and learn a few things on the animal kingdom.

 We learned that female baboons were “giving a hand” to their male mates as foreplay, that some insects normal way of mating were “gangbang” and that Bonobos were practicing some kind of primate prostitution (food for sex) among themselves and that the alpha females from the herd had huge genitals. We also learned that macaque female monkeys were unfaithful to the leading males whenever they had a chance. Macaque’s mating habits kinda resemble “doggy style” to the exception that the female isn’t spreading her legs. The male stays on the feet and does his deed while his hands are on the female’s hips. I had never really seen that position in erotic movies and/or pictures before. And I don’t consider myself as unliterate in “porn.” I had seen my share of it in my teens. I tried the position and it turned out to be the most pleasurable position I ever experienced. One could argue that this is not a very romantic position. I don’t know if you’re like me, but I like to go through a few positions in a single sex session and this one is a bit like the cherry on the Sundae. That’s how a zoology documentary changed my sex life.

Thanks J Boybutter! Anyone else wanna tell me what changed their sex lives?

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These boots are made for tramplin...

Today is National Fetish Day! The third Friday of the year! In celebration, I am sharing an interview with a trampler. That is, a lovely lady who is married to a man with a trampling fetish. While the interviewee is not exactly a fetishist herself, she is the boot-wearer! Ahhh, the things we do for love! Kidding–sounds like she doesn’t exactly mind her hub’s shoe and trample fetish. Read on as I talk to Yvonne, a vegan with an extensive boot collection she has dubbed “bedroom boots.” Of course, her boots are vegan, too!

ST:Okay so you say your hubby has a shoe and trampling fetish? So he likes when you both wear hot shoes, and when you walk on him?
Yvonne: Yup! He’s pretty specific actually—he likes it best if he’s stark naked and I’m all dolled up with the cherry on top being a pair of boots. I mean like serious boots.  I have maybe 1 pair that I could wear out on the street if I really wanted, but all the rest are pretty much like stripper boots with giant platforms, or pleather with spike heels that go thigh-high.  These are dedicated bedroom boots that we have specifically for that. He picked most of em out, and I gave the final yea or nay vote.  I should also clarify that he’s below me masturbating pretty much the whole time.

Hot. Bedroom boots! Love that term. So how did he first introduce his fetish to you?
Gosh, it’s been so long now I can’t really remember…. I know that when we first started dating years ago he complimented a pair of 40′s-style wedges I had on, and I had a side thought that maybe he didn’t play for my team, ha!. Then over the course of our relationship I got to know what he prefers—he hates flats, likes heels over wedges, and boots more than anything.  Obviously I’ll wear whatever the hell I want, but it’s nice to know what turns him on when we go on a date so I can make a little effort when I pick an outfit.  I honestly can’t remember when he asked me to step on him while wearing boots, but I think we might have had a very frank conversation about what turns us on in the bedroom and he came right out and said it.

Were you open to it?
Totally!  Nothing unsanitary is involved and it’s consensual, so I was down.  Er…. up.

Now you say this is mostly his fetish; do you like it at all, or is it just getting him off that gets you off?
I do like being able to demand that he do anything I want and be a real bitch- sometimes it actually helps me vent my frustrations. At times it does get a bit repetitive, almost like a couple doing the same missionary-style thing over and over.  But we’ve found ways to change it up or do things different, and it also depends on what kind of mood I’m in.  His big thing is that he doesn’t want to do it unless I’m into it too, which is great.  I have to say my favorite part is when he climaxes, and I LOVE watching him from up above. So it’s basically 100 percent his thing, but I do get a little something out of it. As far as it turning me on, it doesn’t really.

What is his favorite kind of shoe for you to put on?
Boots!  Done.  Next question!

Hah alright then. On what part of his body to you walk?
Mostly I just stand over him and use one of my legs to poke and prod, but occasionally I’ll take a few steps on him, usually on his upper thighs, stomach, or chest.  I’ll also kick him, and he likes it when I demand he do things like massage my legs or kiss the bottom of the boot.

Do you walk on him with the shoes on only, or are you ever barefoot?
I don’t think I’ve ever done it barefoot, haha.

Have you ever left stiletto punctures on him?
Yea, I’ve left little bruises and marks before.  I saw them the next day and honestly got a little worried, but he said he was fine and that he liked it because it reminded him of how it got there and consequently turned him on.

Trampling can be a bit sadomasochistic, especially if you get into stomping. How far do you take it?
We really don’t take it too far, although I do have some whips and things from the early days, but I haven’t used those in a while and it doesn’t turn him on that much.  We’re like “BDSM-lite.”

BDSM-lite, that’s great. Fluffy! Anything else I should know about the fetish?
We’ve done a whole variety of things in the past like acted out scenes, or sometimes I’ll dance, which can be dangerous depending on what pair I have on.  I’ve rolled my ankle more than a few times, but no serious injuries! His newest thing is he likes to watch me get ready and put on makeup.

Wanna talk about your fetish? Leave it in the comments! Want to be interviewed for Fetish Friday? Email me at Sexytofublog (at) yahoo! Do it.

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What could be more perfect for SexyTofu than an interview with a vegan adult film star? Read on as I dish with Kimora Klein, a half Black, half Asian saucepot who kicked off her porn career on Bang Bros—you know, the one where they drive around in a van looking for girls to bang. Not only is she a dish, but she has brains to boot, and loves to cook! (Stay tuned for a topless vegan cooking show, perhaps?) In the following interview, we talk about her recent near-fatal car accident, and I ask her for her professional opinion on the whole “vegans shouldn’t swallow” plague. Yes plague. Oh, and oral sex tips!

Z: Alright well we can start with food and work our way into juicier stuff from there. How long have you been vegan?
KK: I’ve been vegan since mid-2008.

What made you make that switch?
It’s funny, I didn’t intentionally decide to go vegan. After I moved out of my parents’ house in Miamito school in Chicagomy grocery shopping habits developed. I didn’t know how to cook meat and was kind of grossed out just at the idea of handling raw meat. I never really liked milk, so it didn’t ever cross my mind to buy it. I just naturally developed a vegan diet and after OTHER people started calling me a vegan, I started to fine-tune my diet and cut out less obvious things like gelatin. I educated myself on why someone would intentionally go vegan and it just made sense.

What’s your favorite thing about veganism?
I can honestly say that I get sick less often and that I can eat a lot without feeling weighed down.

Do you think it boosts your sex appeal?
To the veggie demographic, definitely. Otherwise, I haven’t heard from others.

Do you see any correlation between good food and good sex?
I do! It’s true, vegans “taste better.” Pineapple makes a difference, sure, but not eating red meat or lots of dairy makes a HUGE difference.

What’s your favorite thing to cook?
My favorite thing to cook is dumplings. Well, not necessarily “cooking” them but making them. I’m one of those very hands-on people, if you didn’t figure that already.

I bet you are! Okay, changing lanes. You were in an accident not too long ago. Tell me what happened.
I don’t remember anything really. I was told that a work van T-boned me on my driver’s side on the highway. I broke my hips, jaw, collarbone and punctured a lung. Also I lacerated my liver. I had to be incubated for a few days and then I was inpatient in between the ICU and a rehabilitation hospital because I had to learn how to walk, breathe, and talk normally again.

Have things changed since then? Are you fully recovered?
The whole ordeal claimed a good 6 to 7 months of my life and I’ll be dealing with the aftermath (I now have osteoarthritis) for the rest of my life. I still have really random terrible hip pain have metal implants in my jaw which sometimes bother me. I permanently lost feeling in my lower jaw line, chin and bottom lip. If you were to see me on the street, you’d never know anything happened to me unless you saw the incision scar on my neck from surgery though. I’m able to do pretty much everything I used to, just not for too long of a time or too strenuously.

Has it affected your career at all, positively or negatively?
I’d say both. I got the craziest outpouring of love and support when everyone found out what had happened. Because it was a life-changing experience, I’d say positive. There were a couple moments in the first few hours after where they thought I wasn’t going to make it and I had a lot of time to evaluate my life and what I wanted to do with myself. The only negative thing I’d say is just all the stress and physical pain I went though, and probably the fact that it’s going to be a lot harder to find companies that’ll want to shoot a girl with scars like I have.

I know you got into adult entertainment with Bang Bros. But now that you’re established, tell me what attracts you to a job.
Well porn gigs are exactly that when you’re not contracted to work with a specific company. At the time before my accident I was just kind of going for whatever was reputable. My main concern is seeing existing content or website/DVDs, otherwise I usually don’t bother. I especially appreciate more artsy fartsy erotica and hardcore rather than your usual “gonzo” and “reality” stuff.

I’m interested in what your contracts are like; any bizarre or interesting things you have to sign off on?

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So after I posted on my sweet potato latkes yesterday, where I talked about how I plan to go to my father’s house and be lazy while he cooks for me, my dad read it. So when I arrived he told me that I am cooking! My own recipe! So much for parent-child dynamics. But to make up for it, he made me a martini. His martinis always knock me on my butt, so I asked for a “baby” martini, which means it has less booze.

Well, apparently I am terrible at cooking and drinking simultaneously—even fetal, first-trimester sized drinks. I was so interested in catching up with my family and enjoying my didn’t-eat-all-day-plus-I’m-a-cheap-drunk buzz that I forgot to measure how much shredded sweet potato should go in (4 cups!) to my mix, and therefore added way too many potatoes and the latkes were a serious disaster. They wouldn’t stick together, they wouldn’t fry, they wouldn’t do anything but plop in the pan and sort of sizzle. Hanukkah fail!

latke lush

However, let’s talk about my gift from my father. To lend background to my present (and show you all where I get my enthusiasm for uhm, human sexuality) let me tell you about my cousin! I have a super brilliant cousin who, while getting her masters at Harvard (smartypants), had a project where she had to design, create and market a product. Her partner in this project would later become her husband. Their product? The ‘pleasant surprise’ bag; a swanky bag for you to carry and/or store all your sex toys in.

So, if you’re a call girl traveling from hotel to hotel in the dead of night, you can carry your tricks in this posh purse-style bag with separate breathable, mesh compartments that you can remove and wash to keep things clean. Or if you’re going on a romantic vacation—or spring break!—and you want to bring all of your dirty accoutrement, now you can do it without looking like the freak you clearly are. Or, in my case, now you can just store all your sex toys in one place instead of flinging them all over your closet, causing you to swear a lot as you dig through to find what you’re looking for.

Bag next to my fuzzy 8 1/2s so you can get a size idea.

This was my Hanukkah gift from my father. (My step-mother gave me a lovely globe Christmas ornament. Christmas ornaments as Hanukkah gifts! Ironic?) After I left, pops send me a text message to make sure I get home safe and tell me to “have fun loading my bag.” Weird?

The bag used to have a website, but since it’s been nearly a decade since the bag’s birth and my cousin’s project is in her past, the site now belongs to a cruise line.

Do you see how it says your VALUABLE adult toys? When my dad gave it to me (sorry for blowing up your spot dad but what did you expect, really?) he told me he didn’t think the bag was big enough for “all toys.”  The convo went like this:

Me: All toys?
Dad: Yes, like magic wands.
Me:  You mean a Hitachi?!
Dad: Yes, aren’t they like the Jaguar of sex toys?
Me: Pffft, I can’t afford a Hitachi…
Dad: It would be weird if I got you a magic wand, right?

Yes. Yes it would be. So, what did you get for Hanukkah? Are you frustrated with all the different spellings of Hanukkah? Does your family get you interesting gifts? Does your family design accessories for sex toys? Do you want to buy me a Hitachi? Do you think about Uma Thurman wielding a deluxe vibrator and going “Hitachi Hanzo!” when you think of the Hitachi? I know that’s a lot of questions but I have had SO much COFFEE!

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