Mood Kill: The Four-Legged C*ck Block

So here’s a weird confession: Ever since I adopted a dog back in December, my sex life has been dwindling. Since my manslice and I live in a studio space, our pup is within an arm’s reach at all times. We started off sleeping him in a crate, and there’s nothing sexy about doing—well, anything–while a melody of soft whimpers runs continuously in the background. Not exactly mood music. So sex was stalled out temporarily.

We figured as he got older, the pup would mellow out a bit, which did happen. Now that he can snooze through the night, he has graduated to the floor, and he sleeps pretty soundly—until any hint of activity reaches his (adorable) ear-range.

We tried to ignore him for a while, but ever since the awkward time he started gently tonguing my foot while I held down bottom, well, sex has been infrequent. Or silent. Or hurried. It feels like high school. We’re stealing away to fellate in the bathroom or having hushed, rushed, bottom lip biting sessions because our parents are sleeping down the hall. Except it’s not our parents, it’s our dog.

This is absolutely ridiculous. But I know I’m not alone.

A friend of mine has told me stories about locking her dog out of her bedroom while she has sex, only to be barraged by a symphony of howls the entire time. Another friend talked about how his girlfriend’s gigantic Shepard jumped onto the bed mid 69 sesh. And then I remember when my ex boyfriend nick-named my cat “cock block,” because he insisted on either sleeping in my bed or yowling at the bedroom door. The cat, not the boyfriend. Well okay maybe both.

We’ve recently moved to a place with a fenced-in yard, and I’m pretty stoked to be able to toss the dog outside If I want to come without an audience.

So tell me if your pets stay in the room while you get down? Does your cat sit and watch angrily on the radiator? How do you remedy this situation?

About the author  ⁄ Zoe

Zoe Eisenberg is an author, editor and filmmaker living on the big island of Hawaii. For more from Zoe, find her on Instagram @zoahu, Twitter @Sexytofublog, or check out her book, The Lusty Vegan, available on Amazon and wherever books are sold.


  • Reply
    March 21, 2014

    Hee! And here I thought we were the only ones dealing with a cock blocking cat! Mr. Big (the cat lol) has a sensor because he always without fail jumps on the bed and plops himself down inbetween us, lays his head on my shoulder and stares into my eyes with his big blue Siamese eyes like he’s in love with me, then puts his paw on my cheek while my hubby calls him a cock blocker :D I just call him Middle Man lol

  • Reply
    March 21, 2014

    One time, when my man was drinking from my jade fountain (himself lying outstretched on his belly), my adorable kitteh Spooky jumped up and curled upon his thighs, using his bum for a pillow. We just laughed and ignored her. But, talk about pussy galore!

  • Reply
    March 22, 2014

    We once became aware of our cat on the bed — I heard her purring as he felt her snuggle up against his leg. She was like, Ooh, good vibes! She looked so happy, it cracked us both up. Eventually she lost interest though. Or we did, I can’t remember…My advice, push through it ;)

  • Reply
    March 27, 2014

    Our dog had really bad separation anxiety and would not let me leave the house for weeks unless I got someone to come watch her or she would wake up the entire neighborhood/ claw the door to escape. It was a nightmare. In an effort to get sleep, we let her sleep in our room. I wish the humane society had given a no sex warning! Eventually, the separation anxiety waned. Now she sleeps in her crate downstairs with free range of the downstairs, and our sex life is back to normal. So, stick with it. It gets better. Maybe find someone to dogsit for a night?

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