There really is no winning recipe for “good” sex. Everyone likes it a little bit different, and when we put two—or more!– people together in a sexual situation, well they’re going to have to work together to figure out what does it. Hm, what’s that, oh you’re not into forniphilia? But I do such a great impression of a dresser…
While sexual chemistry is the biggest factor in determining whether a couple or throuple will have winning sex, there are a few things you can do to make sure you’re priming yourself for the best sex possible, and –surprise!–they aren’t physical. They are mental. Anyone whose thoughts have randomly spat out a reminder about their cousin’s birthday mid-O knows how mental sex can be. Here are a few ways of thinking that will improve your sex life. No tongue or finger tricks necessary.
Sexual competency is not a number game. You’re having sex, not trading stocks, so try not to keep score. Keeping track of sexual partners will probably develop some sort of unhealthy mental and emotional association with your roster, whether you’re boastful with the numbers you’ve racked, or reproachful. If you’re making smart sexual decisions, there’s no need to open up a spreadsheet. In that light, don’t play any “wait until the X date” games, either. Every situation and relationship is different, so have sex with someone when it feels right and you want to.
To get what you want, you need to know what you want. The ability to communicate is the sexual equivalence to eating your veggies. I can’t stress how important it is–it will make your sex life so.much.better. Your partner is not a mind or body reader, so you may have to tell them—verbally or otherwise—what you like. In order to do this, you have to know what you like, and it can take a lot of experimenting to really nail that. Luckily, sexual exploration is probably the most fun assignment ever, so give yourself some homework this weekend.
Faking is not an option. While women are notorious orgasm fakers, we’re not the only ones who play pretend. When you pretend to enjoy something, your partner will think you enjoy it, and keep on doing it, meaning you will have to keep on faking it, and on and on and on. We fake enjoyment for a variety of reasons – the avoidance of hurting feelings is a big one. However, you’d probably hurt even bigger feelings if your partner knew you were putting on a show. Plus, think of all the actual good sex you’re missing out on by pretending to like anilingus, or whatever. No need to be a dick about it. Just take the initiative to wriggle into something different.
*I originally wrote this post for www.ieatgrass.com.