The Lusty Vegan: What to Do When Your Sex Rhythms Aren’t Aligning

Remember when I wrote about cohabitation being the anti sex? Since I am newly cohabitated, I took a moment to re-read my own advice. One thing I didn’t mention in my previous post is what happens when both of you are still into sex, but your sexual rhythms aren’t aligning.

I’m not talking about thrust speed here, I’ll let you hash that out on your own. I’m talking about when one of you is a morning boner, and the other is a night…uh…noodler?

Before cohabitation, being together at any time was special, and the newness makes you want sex and connection whenever you can get it. Moving forward to the slumber party stage, when you only spend 2 or 3 nights a week together, you’re probably going to want to make use of those evenings, so sex may happen before bed regardless of your natural inclination. But now that you’re living together, and sex is a hypothetical option at any time, your preferences will start to emerge. Consider the scene below.

INT – Bedroom – Evening.

Zoe and boyfriend are in bed. They are laying, nude, in the spoon position. Boyfriend reaches around to grab some boob. Zoe pushes hand away. Boyfriend reaches around again. Zoe pushes hand away. Boyfriend reaches around again.

Zoe
Stop tickling! I only like that when it’s sexytime.

Boyfriend
I’m trying to make it sexytime.

 Zoe
I’m tired.

 Boyfriend
We can sleep after.

Zoe
Orgasms make you sleepy, but they wake me up.

Beat. Long silence. Both begin to laugh.

 Zoe
Oh so that’s how it is then… if you’re the only one who comes, we can both sleep?

Boyfriend
You said it, not me!

No orgasms were to be had that evening. When I have an orgasm, I’m energized for the next few hours. This is a great way to supercharge my morning or give me an extra push in the afternoon, but I am not such a fan of night sex. This is really inconvenient, as I spend every night naked, in bed, with my boyfriend. Thanks a lot, sex drive.

For some, the act of an orgasm alone—even before you add in any physical exertion from sex—can be exhausting. The body needs to recover, and it does so by sleeping.

This refractory period is found more often in men than women, which is why men have a stereotypical (but often true) reputation for falling asleep relatively soon after nuts have been busted. In every hetero love sesh on every Sit Com ever, the dude nods off while the woman is in the middle of talking about Feelings. “Are you sleeping?!” “No, I’m resting my eyes!”

While that situation is overdone, it does contain some truth. Women’s bodies don’t require a refractory period the way men’s do, which is why we can stay juiced up for longer and have multiple orgasms. This is also why women aren’t always exhausted after sex the way men are. Whether or not they want to stay up late and talk about Feelings, or watch Game of Thrones, or play Halo, or cook a five course meal, the point is sex may not be the perfect pre-bed activity for everyone.

So if one of you likes day sex, and the other likes evening sex, how can you get around that and still enjoy sex at the same time? I don’t know, you tell me!

Just kidding. Some advice…

  •  If you like sex in the evening, initiate it before you get in bed. You know your partner is out as soon as they hit the pillow, so start heating things up on the couch or in the kitchen. Their body wont be in sleep-mode yet.
  •  If you want it in the morning and your partner is partial to the snooze button, try waking them up in a friendlier fashion. (Like, with your mouth.)
  •  If you have time to have sex in the afternoon, go for that. You’re quite literally meeting in the middle and who can say no to that?

About the author  ⁄ Zoe

Zoe writes about food and sex on SexyTofu.com.

2 Comments

  • Reply
    June 14, 2013

    good thought! also makes me realize that I’ve never had this problem because I’ve never seriously dated anyone…haha.

  • Reply
    July 12, 2013

    “Orgasms make you sleepy, but they wake me up.” UGH THEY ALL SAY THAT

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