Cohabitation; the Anti Sex?

Typical Friday night activity…Hot.

My goal in life is to be one half of a randy old couple. I want to still be having sex when I am old and wrinkled. But stereotypes say once you’re shacked up and shackled, sex falls to the bottom of your to-do list. A stale sex life is one of my greatest relationship fears, after divorce or maybe death of my partner.

It’s easy for your sex life to take a hit when you move in together, especially if living together is less than dreamy. Your partner won’t clean or worse, they are obsessively clean. Their habits start to grate on your nerves, and you’re picking trivial fights. I mean, who wants to deliver some mid-afternoon fellatio when you spent the morning picking their hair out of the shower drain? Not I.

But your sex life can even suffer when cohabitation is sheer bliss. All of a sudden, you’re living with your best friend, and it’s like slumber party mode all the time. Late night pillow talk and trashy TV marathons abound. But, unless your life is a pre-teen porno, slumber parties with your BFF usually end with only one kind of facial. (The boring kind.)

It’s not like your sex appeal goes out the window when you sign a lease. But with the comfort of cohabitation comes the draining of “newness,” and things that used to excite you (the feel of your guy’s beard on the back of your neck mid-spoon) become the norm, and cease to work their magic.

All of a sudden you realize you’re extremely cranky, and you can’t recall your last orgasm, and you’re sure the two are related. Obviously the days of morning, noon, and evening sex can’t last forever—and you shouldn’t expect them to. But wouldn’t you still like the majority of your evenings to end by kicking back and treating the neighbors to a harmonious symphony of fuck? Well, yeah.
And maybe you’re are still having sex twice a week, but it’s become a bit mechanical; a little bit of groping here, two to three minutes of warm-up oral, and then assume the (missionary) position. Better than nothing, sure, but boooooring!

This poses the question, can you be the hoe AND the housewife? Or house husband! House husband, people. The last boyfriend I lived with was way better at domestic chores than I was. When we moved in together, I didn’t think too much about keeping sex fresh. I like sex, and I liked my boyfriend, so I didn’t think it would be an issue. That made it even more devastating when the Great Sex Drought of Winter 2010 rolled around. Had I been prepared, I could have combatted it from the beginning. Come at it with guns blazing!

Dream…

...reality

…reality

So how can you keep the sex from getting stale, even in November when it’s freezing and you’re tempted to allow your lady bits to keep up with your hubby’s beard a la No Shave November? I’ll show you a mustache…

Here are a few things I have learned over the years, plus some tips I harvested from some of my shacked up friends with covetable sex lives.

Kink it out. Doing something different is the number one way to keep your sex life fresh, and personally, I love the kinky/comfort combo. The sex is familiar, it’s safe, yet it’s still exciting. This is why I prefer sex in a committed, loving relationship over casual sex. Sort of like bungie jumping. It’s easier to do something risky with a cord wrapped around your waist for safety. I would much rather participate in some frisky and fun acts of degradation if I know I will spend the 45 minutes post-coitus in spoon heaven, as opposed to searching for my heels in the dark and creeping out into the evening. It’s great to know you’re respected, even if you like to pretend you’re being disrespected.

Amp anticipation. Take advantage of the time you spend apart to rev your engine. Make a dirty lunch time phone call, text or email. This way, you will be looking forward to spending your evening getting down, not piling into your sweats and catching up on the Walking Dead

Sleep naked, especially in the winter. Feeling a warm naked body always makes my mind wander to the sexier side of things, even when I’m exhausted. Not a night rider? This sets the scene for an AM frisk, as it draws attention to morning wood. I can’t resist a breakfast boner. I know they’re completely perfunctory but I like to pretend I had something to do with it.

Make yourself have sex. This is probably the least sexy sounding thing i’ve ever heard, after maybe sex with a house plant, or this nasal spray that is supposed to make you horny. But it works. (Making yourself have sex, not the nasal spray.) If you’re losing interest in sex out of sheer laziness, not because you’re losing interest in your partner, then forcing yourself to have a quickie will help get you back in the practice of having, and craving, sex regularly. So make a sex date. Mark it in your calendar. Jot your partner down on your to-do list. Get it done!

Nudie backrubs. This is the oldest trick in the bone book. Get naked and ask for a back rub. At worst, you get a stress relieving rub down, but most rubs I’ve approached in this manner conclude with a happy ending.

Dress up. Even if you’re staying in, dress up for dinner like you’re going out. It’s tempting to throw on sweats and slippers, but making an effort—men, you too!–can help keep things sizzling. My boyfriend equates stockings with sex so pulling on a pair of sheer patterned tights under my dress or skirt is some stellar brain foreplay.

Okay, tell me how you keep it saucy!

About the author  ⁄ Zoe

Zoe writes about food and sex on SexyTofu.com.

12 Comments

  • Reply
    November 7, 2012

    I can tell you that I am now in my 40′s (shutters to admit that!) and have been married for 3 yrs to my current hubby and I can’t get enough sex to stay satisfied. My poor hubby..lol.. he told me when we were dating “My ex never wanted to have sex, all I want is a woman who actually wants to have sex”…. he should have been careful of what he wished for! My hope and prayers are that I am 90 years and still going strong myself!

    • Reply
      November 7, 2012

      That’s awesome! Giving me hope for myself in my 40s. And beyond!

  • Reply
    November 7, 2012

    Also, if you just make yourself have sex with your partner even when you are feeling lazy, tired, and far from horny, most times out of ten you will get turned on somewhere in the middle of the action and end up enjoying the hell out of it. So go forth and bang!

  • Reply
    November 7, 2012

    I agree with the make time for it. It’s so easy to just do “1 more thing” and then fall asleep!

  • Reply
    November 8, 2012

    Loved this post :)

    My boyfriend and I moved in together (with my parents!) this summer, and it’s scary how much your sex life takes a hit. We’re still doing our Breaking Bad marathons, but when in the sanctuary of our own room we’re keeping it going by watching telly topless. It’s silly, but taking nakedness away from just the bed seems to be doing it for us!

    Keep posting, I love your blog!!

  • Reply
    November 9, 2012

    what happens when your hubby expects too much sex that you lose the mood altogether because you don’t even have the chance to start it, therefore being in the mood? (and by too much I mean an expected twice a day, every day, whether or not we’re working 12 hour days). Opinions?

    • Reply
      November 16, 2012

      Well I would start by talking to him about it. How is he trying to get you in the mood? Is he rolling over and saying “hey let’s do it”? Explain what he is doing (or the frequency) does not work for you, that it makes you feel pressured, and maybe what would work. Since you aren’t in the mood every time he tries to start getting sexy, he may feel shut down, which is no good. Perhaps tell him that next week, you’re going to do the seducing. Then pick a time that you ARE in the mood.

      • Reply
        November 23, 2012

        So true and good way to look at it! Thanks, think I’ll try that!

  • Reply
    December 2, 2012

    Of course, sex is another important aspect of a relationship, and if the relationship is threatened by either partner, sex and other forms of physical communication are usually casualties. Maybe he doesn’t wish to make love as often, or it could be something as simple as his forgetting to kiss you goodbye. Maybe it’s his goodnight hug that’s missing.

  • Reply
    December 28, 2012

    “Make yourself have sex”? Do you have sex for the orgasm? Or are you there for the emotional connection with your partner? Because the latter will keep sex juicier indefinitely, where the first will die when the body begins to change.
    In romance we’re all over each-other… all of the time. As romance shifts into partnership sex tappers off a bit, and for each person their rhythms will be different. For me, I’m touchy-feely, so my strong sexual drive will last me my whole life. Also as a relationship shifts into partnership it needs more attention then sex alone, and I talk about a lot of that on my site. I wish you well and May blessings of love, shower you with bliss, along this journey you follow.

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