My goal in life is to be one half of a randy old couple. I want to still be having sex when I am old and wrinkled. But stereotypes say once you’re shacked up and shackled, sex falls to the bottom of your to-do list. A stale sex life is one of my greatest relationship fears, after divorce or maybe death of my partner.
It’s easy for your sex life to take a hit when you move in together, especially if living together is less than dreamy. Your partner won’t clean or worse, they are obsessively clean. Their habits start to grate on your nerves, and you’re picking trivial fights. I mean, who wants to deliver some mid-afternoon fellatio when you spent the morning picking their hair out of the shower drain? Not I.
But your sex life can even suffer when cohabitation is sheer bliss. All of a sudden, you’re living with your best friend, and it’s like slumber party mode all the time. Late night pillow talk and trashy TV marathons abound. But, unless your life is a pre-teen porno, slumber parties with your BFF usually end with only one kind of facial. (The boring kind.)
It’s not like your sex appeal goes out the window when you sign a lease. But with the comfort of cohabitation comes the draining of “newness,” and things that used to excite you (the feel of your guy’s beard on the back of your neck mid-spoon) become the norm, and cease to work their magic.
All of a sudden you realize you’re extremely cranky, and you can’t recall your last orgasm, and you’re sure the two are related. Obviously the days of morning, noon, and evening sex can’t last forever—and you shouldn’t expect them to. But wouldn’t you still like the majority of your evenings to end by kicking back and treating the neighbors to a harmonious symphony of fuck? Well, yeah.
And maybe you’re are still having sex twice a week, but it’s become a bit mechanical; a little bit of groping here, two to three minutes of warm-up oral, and then assume the (missionary) position. Better than nothing, sure, but boooooring!
This poses the question, can you be the hoe AND the housewife? Or house husband! House husband, people. The last boyfriend I lived with was way better at domestic chores than I was. When we moved in together, I didn’t think too much about keeping sex fresh. I like sex, and I liked my boyfriend, so I didn’t think it would be an issue. That made it even more devastating when the Great Sex Drought of Winter 2010 rolled around. Had I been prepared, I could have combatted it from the beginning. Come at it with guns blazing!
So how can you keep the sex from getting stale, even in November when it’s freezing and you’re tempted to allow your lady bits to keep up with your hubby’s beard a la No Shave November? I’ll show you a mustache…
Here are a few things I have learned over the years, plus some tips I harvested from some of my shacked up friends with covetable sex lives.
Kink it out. Doing something different is the number one way to keep your sex life fresh, and personally, I love the kinky/comfort combo. The sex is familiar, it’s safe, yet it’s still exciting. This is why I prefer sex in a committed, loving relationship over casual sex. Sort of like bungie jumping. It’s easier to do something risky with a cord wrapped around your waist for safety. I would much rather participate in some frisky and fun acts of degradation if I know I will spend the 45 minutes post-coitus in spoon heaven, as opposed to searching for my heels in the dark and creeping out into the evening. It’s great to know you’re respected, even if you like to pretend you’re being disrespected.
Amp anticipation. Take advantage of the time you spend apart to rev your engine. Make a dirty lunch time phone call, text or email. This way, you will be looking forward to spending your evening getting down, not piling into your sweats and catching up on the Walking Dead
Sleep naked, especially in the winter. Feeling a warm naked body always makes my mind wander to the sexier side of things, even when I’m exhausted. Not a night rider? This sets the scene for an AM frisk, as it draws attention to morning wood. I can’t resist a breakfast boner. I know they’re completely perfunctory but I like to pretend I had something to do with it.
Make yourself have sex. This is probably the least sexy sounding thing i’ve ever heard, after maybe sex with a house plant, or this nasal spray that is supposed to make you horny. But it works. (Making yourself have sex, not the nasal spray.) If you’re losing interest in sex out of sheer laziness, not because you’re losing interest in your partner, then forcing yourself to have a quickie will help get you back in the practice of having, and craving, sex regularly. So make a sex date. Mark it in your calendar. Jot your partner down on your to-do list. Get it done!
Nudie backrubs. This is the oldest trick in the bone book. Get naked and ask for a back rub. At worst, you get a stress relieving rub down, but most rubs I’ve approached in this manner conclude with a happy ending.
Dress up. Even if you’re staying in, dress up for dinner like you’re going out. It’s tempting to throw on sweats and slippers, but making an effort—men, you too!–can help keep things sizzling. My boyfriend equates stockings with sex so pulling on a pair of sheer patterned tights under my dress or skirt is some stellar brain foreplay.
Okay, tell me how you keep it saucy!