“I want to be inside you! I promise it will feel good.”

“I would eat that,” said my boyfriend, P, nodding over at my vegan burger. We were seated in a Five Guys, eating parallel meals. On our way to a Justice show at Hammerstein Ballroom, we needed something quick. Half cranky from hunger, half rushed, we couldn’t decide on a place that was both vegan and omni friendly. So I grabbed take out from the Loving Hut and met him across the street at the Five Guys, where he was getting meaty. Loving Hut is a chain, and there is some controversy around it’s whacky Taiwanese founder, so it’s not always my first choice, especially when I’m in a city as abuzz with vegan choices as New York. But whatever, that’s a rant for another day.

Now normally, my guy is more than happy to eat vegan with me. But we had just ran a Tough Mudder (cough, humblebrag) and he wasn’t interested in the Loving Hut. When I pointed to the vegan spot, he was probably thinking raw salads. Despite the fact he has seen me scarf down five slices of vegan pizza in one sitting, he opted out because he “wanted something filling.”

Something filling? How is my “crispy burger”—piled with homemade pickles, avocado, lettuce and tomato on a wheat bun—not filling?

What he had meant was something heavy. Something greasy. Although we were eating similar meals, you could see the difference before you even opened the brown take-out bags. His was absolutely spotty with grease. Mine was shine-free. Even though it was pan fried, it was not overly greasy, and served up with a nice green salad, I knew it would leave me feeling full but still energetic—critical, as we were on our way to a freakin’ electronic show, and who wants to be gassy and bloated while they fist pump? I pointed this out, and it got us on the subject of eating for energy.

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This week, the gorgeous-on-the-inside-and-out actress, activist and author Alicia Silverstone started advocating another feel good cause…masturbation! Okay well that’s sort of a stretch, but she is advocating this eco-friendly Leaf Life vibrator.

How can a vibrator be eco-friendly, you ask? This one is made from phalate-free silicone, features rechargeable batteries and is shipped in packaging made from recycled materials.

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This article was originally published on iEatGrass.

Here is a fun Friday fact for ya: currently there is a contest running in Denmark where the guy with the smallest penis wins an iPhone. Those who come in second and third win an iPad. The contest is run by an erotica site, Singlesex.dk, and is most definitely just a publicity stunt. To win, contestants have to submit pictures of themselves fully erect with a tape measurer, for reference. The site owner says he hopes the contest will help break the stigma that small penises are a bad thing…because apparently being rewarded with an expensive electronic will undo years of bodily shame.

I hadn’t planned on writing about the “size matters” topic for a few reasons. The first is that I feel like it’s an over-discussed issue. Yada yada yada, does size matter? But then I posted the tiny penis contest on our TLV Facebook group and people were still openly pondering the answer. (By people, I mean men.) The short answer is yes, it does matter, and the long answer is no, it doesn’t. Wait what?

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I think this photo is Gollum-esque, no?

So I am going to come out of the fitness closet now… I may have mentioned my love for exercise in between ramblings about lube and quinoa, but I am not sure how much I have stressed the fact that I love it. I don’t like to mention this too much because it seems to twist panties left and right, like when I talk about genuinely loving vegetables… But whatever, haters gon’ hate, and I like to get sweaty in the name of fitness on the regular. Get out of me with your judgements.

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I love giving myself an excuse to eat chocolate for breakfast! So when I heard it was time to celebrate grains, I knew I wanted to make a dessert delicious enough–and healthy enough–to eat for breakfast. I love grains for breakfast in the fall because they’re so cozy, but unlike my usual morning oatmeal, quinoa is packed full of complete protein. The following recipe also features my favorite antioxidant (oh heyyyy cocoa!), hearty healthy peanut butter, and a dash of coffee for depth. It definitely gives me a caffeine zing, which is yet another reason I love it in the morning. So whip up this delicious dessert and, if you can resist eating it all, have it again for breakfast!

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This post was originally published in my Lusty Vegan column on iEatGrass.

As soon as you start doing adult things like paying your own rent and washing your sheets more than twice annually, everyone expects your relationships to grow along with your credit card debt. At a certain point, having a weekends-only relationship makes people raise their eyebrows, as if checking single on your income taxes is a condition you should take antibiotics to cure.

While being in a relationship is one of my favorite states of being (the others are full, and naked), that doesn’t mean that I am void of emotional insecurities and commitment issues. I like to point fingers at the fact that I am a product of divorce.

Beneath my neatly made bed of monogamy lurks my snarling commitment phobia, jumping out at inopportune moments and making me look like an asshole.

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This post was originally published for my Lusty Vegan column on iEatGrass.com.

Okay we get it! You’re flexible and you like each other.

It happens to the best of us: You’re super into your relationship and spending every second of your free time marinating in each other. One day you wake up and realize it has been weeks since you spent quality time with your friends, your family is pissed, oh and your regular runs and yoga nights? Traded in for hardcore fuggle sessions. You’ve been wifeyed. The male equivalence of this is hubbied. I hubbied up my college boyfriend so fast his friends started calling me Yoko Ono. “No no guys, I’m not forcing him to break up the band! It’s just that finding new ways to remove my underwear is probably more appealing than watching South Park in an apartment that smells like vomit and beer…”

This type of couple cocooning can be dangerous; if it doesn’t work out, instead of emerging a beautiful butterfly you come out wide-eyed, disheveled and realizing you’ve lost track of all of your friends, and no one likes getting that “hey I’m single now, wanna hang out?” phone call after 8 months of silence.

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Oh Japan! They are ahead of us in so many ways…their unemployment rate is half of ours…their life expectancy is longer…they are even ahead of us by hours—13 of them! And also, they now have masturbation bars. Okay, well they now have one masturbation bar. And this swanky booze infused wankfest is for ladies.

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You guys, I’m really cranky today, despite it being world vegetarian day. Because on world vegetarian day, all vegetarians and vegans should be running around throwing kale confetti and smiling because it’s our damn DAY. Sorry…I guess I am still sore over my big break-up with coffee.

Earlier today, my boss mused about that bazillionaire who bought most of Lanai, and I managed to segue the conversation to zombie apocalypse survival (“I mean, who wouldn’t want a Hawaiian island, what with the zombie apocalypse coming…”) and my colleague and I ended it with a debate: Can zombies swim and if so, if a shark ate a zombie would the zombie then eat the shark from the inside out? Feel free to weigh in, any zombie enthusiasts.

For the rest of you, here is a recipe I make when my bank account is particularly desolate, because it feeds me for an entire week and all of the ingredients cost under 10 dollars, total. The downside is you have to eat the same meal for a week straight but I think it’s rather delicious so I don’t mind. You know me, little miss monogamy. If you’re not trying to eat it for a week or feed a family or seven, then stick some of the left-overs in the freezer.

The reason it is so cheap is because I use frozen veggies, which I always have on hand for that week leading up to my next paycheck when I’m seriously hurting but can’t imagine a life without vegetables. I like frozen peas and carrots, but you can find some pretty jazzy frozen veggies nowadays… I can even find frozen shitake mushrooms.

“Cheap Date” Curried Lentils

2 cups dry brown lentils
1 onion, roughly chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tbs fresh ginger, minced
1 large can organic diced tomatoes
2 tablespoons organic tomato paste
2 cups frozen organic veggies. I like to use a blend of cubed butternut squash, peas, carrots, and spinach.
2 1/2 tbs curry powder
1 tbs cumin
1 1/2 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
¼ tsp salt
½ tsp black pepper

Optional: 1 cup coconut milk. (I prefer full fat.)

Step one: In a large pot, using your favorite cooking oil (or water, for those of you who like to stay unprocessed!) brown your onions for 2-3 minutes, stirring constantly. Add garlic, ginger and all your spices, and stir for 1-2 more minutes. Prepare for your kitchen to smell like you’ve died and gone to heaven, if heaven was located inside a particularly delicious indian restaurant, like my heaven would be.

Step two: Add tomatoes, tomato paste, lentils and 4 cups of water. Bring to a boil.

Step three: Once boiling, lower to a simmer. Add vegetables and 1 cup of liquid, either coconut milk if using or more water. Let cook covered for 40 minutes, stirring occasionally.

I like to enjoy over quinoa. Probably while discussing more zombies. Happy world vegetarian day, folks!

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