The Lusty Vegan: Oral Sex–the Ultimate Compliment?

Best shoe ad campaign ever? I vote yes.

I originally wrote this post for my Lusty Vegan column on i Eat Grass.

Last week, drinks with my friends turned into drunk with my friends, and what started off as a conversation about dating turned into a heated debate about oral sex. Basically, does it count as sex, and who are we doing it to, and why?

Before I take this topic full throat, let me state my opinion: oral sex is still sex, although my 15-year-old self would have argued differently all day long. SO I am really not going to even take a look at the other end of that argument. Because, for same sex couples, oral sex is often the main event. Sex is sex is sex. However, the difference between deeds, to me, is that for the giver, oral sex is completely selfless (even if it turns them on, too). It is the sexual equivalence to a back rub. You’re doing it for the sole purpose of making the other person feel good, and yeah, it would be nice if you got it back in return. But like giving a gift, you shouldn’t solely be doling out oral with the expectation of getting something in return. Remember? Selfless! So while you may be turned on while performing, you’re mainly doing it for the other person’s benefit…right?

One of the girlfriends I was with argued that she only blows her boyfriends, but never a one night stand or casual fling. Since oral is selfless, why (says my friend) should she bother giving it out to someone she isn’t so crazy about anyway? She would rather just play P in V and get more bang for her..uhm…bang.

Well, this kind of makes sense…after all, your vagina doesn’t have tastebuds. But, and feel free to call me old fashioned, I am sort of of the idea that if you don’t really like someone, perhaps you shouldn’t be sticking their bits in any of your orifices.

And what about hygiene? Any lady of the night can tell you oral sex is just as dangerous as the real deal, and you shouldn’t be raw doggin’ any orifice with someone whose STD status you aren’t sure of. I have a friend who got robbed by a prostitute in Hawaii because of this very argument. He picked up two hookers in Honolulu, and while he was—drunkenly—arguing with one about the fact she wanted to use a condom while performing oral sex, the other took his debit card and emptied his account at a nearby ATM. Karma! High five to that hooker for her professionalism—the one who insisted on the condom, not the one who robbed my idiotic friend.

Hookers aside, when you bring home a rando from the bar, are you really going to rubber them up before you go down? Probably not. With this in mind, I asked a large handful of my friends, and not one (!!) had ever used a condom for oral sex. In fact, they seemed disgusted I asked, and even more horrified when I told them that those flavored condoms are for oral, not vaginal, sex…in fact, the flavors and scents can irritate ladybits, and no one likes an angry vagina.

Now it is important to note that oral sex as foreplay is completely different than oral sex from start to finish. Using oral sex as a way to warm someone up benefits you, too, because once their engine is revved you get to hop in for a ride. But oral sex for oral sex’ sake is, to me, the ultimate compliment. It says, I like you so much that I am going to take the time to do this just for you. No no, I don’t want anything in return…well okay fine IF YOU INSIST. Taking someone to orgasm with oral is also really empowering, because you did it yourself. Look ma! No hands. (Just kidding. You should be using your hands. But we won’t get into that, because this is not a Cosmo “How-To” article.)

So now that I have ranted and rambled, I want to hear from you! Do you dole out oral sex to serious partners only? Do you use protection during oral? Is oral the ultimate compliment?

Read more Lusty Vegan posts, and a ton of other great posts, on www.ieatgrass.com. Do it!

About the author  ⁄ Zoe

Zoe writes about food and sex on SexyTofu.com.

4 Comments

  • Reply
    June 1, 2012

    I really liked this article. I myself am married so I don’t have any of these dilemma’s anymore, but back in the day I would do oral on the person I was with at the time. I usually did not however on the one nighter’s, if they wanted more, then it’d have to be more then one night. When I did though, I never used condoms. I played Russian roulette with my life and fortunately I won (as in no STD’s or worse). If I were single now though, I would use them everytime. It’s not just about me anymore, I have 2 kids who need me around and healthy.

  • Reply
    June 1, 2012

    One partner didn’t want a blow job if he had to wear a condom. My response was, “Well, OK then. Do without. See if I care.”

  • Reply
    Paul
    June 1, 2012

    Here’s an interesting take on it. I will go the oral route 1. Bcuz I enjoy going down on a woman and 2. If I can’t eat it (go down on her) I sure as hell am not going to engage in f*%# it( making love) it.

  • Reply
    Donald
    June 14, 2012

    My partner-live in girlfriend says it is a big turn on for her to give me oral. She pushes me on my back and works her oral magic on me until I explode. She keeps at it until I am hard again and she comes almost as soon as I enter her. I am a very lucky man!

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