I recently read an interesting take on gender stereotypes from girlonthenet, about the assumption that men want to have sex ALL THE TIME and that any woman can have sex any time she wants, always. This assumption leads many women to feel horrible and abnormal when sexual rejection rears its ugly head—as it does on the regular for all sexes involved.
The blogger addressed another post, in which a man gives advice to his daughter that all the men she meets just want to sleep with her. He also says that you should just break up with someone if you’re having issues, and let me tell you, this outlook is the reason the divorce rate in America is so freakin’ high…excuse me while I hyperventilate. This man almost, ALMOST redeems himself when he says his daughter should eat her veggies and learn to masturbate. He then seems to make the generalization that white girls masturbate more than other ethnicities. Since I am a white girl who masturbates, will someone else fill me in on this?
It’s true that while many men you meet as a woman may want to sleep with you, not all men will. Believing all men want to bone you will make it hard for you to have platonic friends of the opposite sex, and it will make it more painful when you realize, gee, not everyone wants to hogtie you and smother your naked body in cooking grease, or whatever you’re into….
Here is the juicy, proteiny point of the blog post…
Don’t assume that all men are ‘only after one thing.’ Don’t tell women they can have whatever sex they want whenever they want it. And above all don’t you dare tell your daughter that all men want to fuck her – you might as well tell her the grass isn’t green, or that all the roads in Disneyland are paved with free cake. If young women grow up thinking that all men want to sleep with them, we’re not giving them the gift of insight, we’re telling them an outright lie. A lie that will lead to humiliating disappointment for our daughters, and give our sons a reputation that they could never possibly live up to.
XOJane covered this when they wrote about the fact that—despite what Hollywood says—many men actually like their girlfriends and wives, and are not constantly griping about them, wishing they were having more sex, or looking for opportunities to cheat on them. Men are not only looking for one thing. People—regardless of gender or sex—are complex, and our needs are complex too.
In truth, men turn down sex all the time, and not just when they are old and stressed and overweight and in need of viagra, like the media has you believe. Young men, who are supposedly in their sexual prime, turn down sex! All the time! Maybe they are tired. Maybe they want to watch Mad Men. Maybe they just ate wayyyy too much chinese food. Or maybe they just aren’t interested!
I once had a guy break things off because he said I was “too sexual.” I’m pretty sure he just didn’t like me anymore, but this excuse—you know, making me feel like a weird nymphofreak—seemed more logical to him at the time. It hurt, it made me ashamed of my sexuality, and it seriously confused me. A simple “hey, not into you anymore…” would have been a lot better. But look! A female, sexually rejected.
Another man-turns-it-down scenario? I love morning sex, and many men do not feel the same. So I often get rejected in the morning when I want a playful romp and all the guy wants to do is hit snooze fourteen times on their alarm clock. Ahhh, nothing like a dose of rejection first thing in the morning.
Now consider the fact that men have a refractory period after they orgasm, and women do not. That means many women all over the world are rejected when they want another go after round one, and their partners are exhausted and need to rest before they can re-bone. And that is just assuming the lady even came during round one, which is an extremely generous assumption considering how many women don’t orgasm from sex alone.
When a woman wants more sex than her partner, she ends up feeling like some sex-crazy freak, because society has told us that men want it all the time. So she believes if her man doesn’t want it, then there must be something wrong with her, or with him. Not true.
In response to that guy who told me I was too sexual? Me wanting to sleep with someone is my grown-up equivalence to doodling their name in my notebook. I like you. Considering the fact I have never had a legitimate* one night stand, if I am sleeping with you it means I REALLY like you. And, so I want to doodle your doodle. When you’re not around, I am probably doodling my doodle while thinking about your doodle. Doodle doodle doodle. Get it?
We are all individuals, and our drive for sex fluctuates with our own individuality. So everyone should chill out with the gender stereotypes about what is “normal” and who is hypersexual and why. All it does is cause confusion for everyone involved.
Okay so…any other gender stereotypes you loathe? Any comment on rejection?
* I have slept with someone only once, but it has always been someone I knew or had been dating. I have never met anyone, slept with them, and then never spoke to them again. Nothing wrong with an old fashioned one night stand! I have just never had one…