Stuff I Get Off On: The Hitachi Magic Wand

The Hitachi is great for your neck. (If your clit is located on your neck.)

For those of you who don’t speak sex toy, the Hitachi Magic Wand is the Cadillac of toys; Super fun to drive, even if it is a bit bulky and out-dated. This bad boy still plugs into the wall—that’s how out-dated it is, and the box it comes in looks like it’s straight from the 80s, equipped with pictures of spandex clad ladies massaging their calves with it. One, everyone knows you don’t use the Hitachi in a PG fashion and Two, who the heck actually massages their calves?

I’ve been coveting a Hitachi for years, so when I found out one was coming for me to review I got so excited I told just about everyone I know. “Nice knowing you…” my boyfriend said. “Oh, you’re in for a good time,” said my friend C, a Hitachi owner herself.  “How does that make you FEEL?” asked my therapist. (Not really. I can’t afford a therapist.) But real talk, Hitachi is a POWER TOOL company so you can imagine the force behind their toy, which is roughly the size and weight of my forearm.

When my box came in the mail I opened it with more excitement than any Christmannukah gift I’ve received in the past decade and paced around the apartment anxiously waiting for my room-mate to leave. I didn’t even need to try it out to know that no matter how loud I blast my Cat Power Pandora station, the powerful hum of this baby will not be muted. The Hitachi is as discreet as a 7 foot drag queen with a 5 o’clock shadow.

Warning: this toy is not for those who don’t appreciate extremely intense stimulation, or those who don’t want to make weird animal noises normally reserved for dying birds and fornicating primates. The Hitachi only has two speeds: Really Intense and Holy Fuuu-I Came. Usually, when I am giving myself some attention, I like to take my sweet time. I prefer toys that allow me to edge a bit—take myself nearly there and then back off so that my orgasm is crippling. While the Hitachi WILL make you come out of your ears, there is no way to ease yourself into it. My friend C, the Hitachi fan mentioned above, described it perfectly: “The Hitachi is great for when you’re tired and horny and just want to get off and go to sleep.” You will not last for more than 5 minutes unless you have a clit of steel.

I love my Hitachi on a level that is almost comparable to the way I feel about my cat. Not really, but enough to make me want to drive 20 minutes home on my lunch break, spend 2 ½ minutes panting like a prom queen in the back of a Buick, and drive 20 minutes back to the office. Five days a week.

So, what do you think of the Hitachi? Roseanne Barr loves her Hitachi, too. At an MTV VMA show she crowed, “Hitachi make such a good vibrator, I think I’ll buy one of their TVs!” I feel you, Roseanne.

Want a Hitachi? Yeahhh you do. Get it.

Side note: After an intense bout of Bootcamp where I was forced to do 100 plus Burpees (Tough Mudder training!) I actually used the Hitachi on my arms. Just like this picture.

I felt like it was 1984.

About the author  ⁄ Zoe

Zoe writes about food and sex on SexyTofu.com.

8 Comments

  • Reply
    March 19, 2012

    That was so funny to read lol. Looks like you’ve found a solution to end your bad days lol.

  • Reply
    March 19, 2012

    This was funny and quite informative, but the best line was from your boyfriend when he said, “nice knowing you.” Still laughing.

  • Reply
    March 23, 2012

    I drooled as I read this.

    • Reply
      July 11, 2012

      Great voice. My favorite part was when your boyfriend said, “it was nice knowing you.” But if that’s what you do on your lunch break, when do you eat?

  • Reply
    Nola_Diva
    August 24, 2012

    Best line: ‘clit of steel’. Love it! lol!

    • Reply
      AJ
      June 2, 2013

      Well it may be because i had it only yesterday and i’m not used to it yet but it’s so intense, even in LIGHT mode, that it seems to eat my orgasm too fast.. Know what i mean? I think i will have to use a thick towel for starters…

      • Reply
        June 2, 2013

        Hahahah EAT your orgasm. I love this. Yes, thick towel and maybe try not actually placing it directly on your clit? Explore less sensitive areas that still get the job done eventually. Good luck!

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