The Hitachi is great for your neck. (If your clit is located on your neck.)

For those of you who don’t speak sex toy, the Hitachi Magic Wand is the Cadillac of toys; Super fun to drive, even if it is a bit bulky and out-dated. This bad boy still plugs into the wall—that’s how out-dated it is, and the box it comes in looks like it’s straight from the 80s, equipped with pictures of spandex clad ladies massaging their calves with it. One, everyone knows you don’t use the Hitachi in a PG fashion and Two, who the heck actually massages their calves?

I’ve been coveting a Hitachi for years, so when I found out one was coming for me to review I got so excited I told just about everyone I know. “Nice knowing you…” my boyfriend said. “Oh, you’re in for a good time,” said my friend C, a Hitachi owner herself.  ”How does that make you FEEL?” asked my therapist. (Not really. I can’t afford a therapist.) But real talk, Hitachi is a POWER TOOL company so you can imagine the force behind their toy, which is roughly the size and weight of my forearm.

When my box came in the mail I opened it with more excitement than any Christmannukah gift I’ve received in the past decade and paced around the apartment anxiously waiting for my room-mate to leave. I didn’t even need to try it out to know that no matter how loud I blast my Cat Power Pandora station, the powerful hum of this baby will not be muted. The Hitachi is as discreet as a 7 foot drag queen with a 5 o’clock shadow.

Warning: this toy is not for those who don’t appreciate extremely intense stimulation, or those who don’t want to make weird animal noises normally reserved for dying birds and fornicating primates. The Hitachi only has two speeds: Really Intense and Holy Fuuu-I Came. Usually, when I am giving myself some attention, I like to take my sweet time. I prefer toys that allow me to edge a bit—take myself nearly there and then back off so that my orgasm is crippling. While the Hitachi WILL make you come out of your ears, there is no way to ease yourself into it. My friend C, the Hitachi fan mentioned above, described it perfectly: “The Hitachi is great for when you’re tired and horny and just want to get off and go to sleep.” You will not last for more than 5 minutes unless you have a clit of steel.

I love my Hitachi on a level that is almost comparable to the way I feel about my cat. Not really, but enough to make me want to drive 20 minutes home on my lunch break, spend 2 ½ minutes panting like a prom queen in the back of a Buick, and drive 20 minutes back to the office. Five days a week.

So, what do you think of the Hitachi? Roseanne Barr loves her Hitachi, too. At an MTV VMA show she crowed, “Hitachi make such a good vibrator, I think I’ll buy one of their TVs!” I feel you, Roseanne.

Want a Hitachi? Yeahhh you do. Get it.

Side note: After an intense bout of Bootcamp where I was forced to do 100 plus Burpees (Tough Mudder training!) I actually used the Hitachi on my arms. Just like this picture.

I felt like it was 1984.

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