Today’s Rant: Celeb Lust, and Hating on Balls

Last weekend I asked my boyfriend his Top 3 Celebs list…you know, the top 3 celebs you would undress given the chance. His third was Betty White, which I know was supposed to be a joke but will you take a look at how fine she was back in the day?


If you want to see more celebrities who were hot in their prime that you may have missed out on because you were still crapping your diaper, check out this terrific Hand Job Time Machine tumblr. How great is that name?

Anyway, my biggest celeb crush for the last couple of years has been Marion Cotillard, because she is so delicious and French. So you can imagine how the following Funny or Die video made me fall even more in love with her. Here she takes a humorous stance at  breasts being ogled in the workplace. Marion, I think you would be ogled in ANY place. Lucky for me, I don’t have this problem for a variety of reasons. The first is that I have tiny ballerina breasts that are very easy to hide and are very rarely ogled. But even if they were large and demanding, 90 percent of my coworkers are women who are disinterested in anybody’s breasts, except maybe their own. Only 1/5 of my editorial department owns a penis. Actually, that’s not true. I have no idea who owns a penis in my editorial department because that’s not really politcally correct office-talk. We usually stick to topics like the weather, the day of the week, and half-serious (completely serious) suggestions to begin drinking before 3 pm.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDPUJOz9mZg]

Here is another picture of Marion because I LOVE HER. Swoon.

S'il vous plaît enlève ta chemise, jolie dame

My other celeb infatuations this week?

Olivier Martinez, who is  Halle Berry’s manfriend and baby daddy. He is also French. I believe I may be a bit of a Francophile.

Get! In! Me!

Diane Kruger. I really don’t know where this came from because I don’t even really like blondes. That’s not true, my boyfriend is blonde, and I sure do like him. Usually I prefer smoldery, petite brunette ladies and sulky (skinny, nerdy, Jewish-looking) dark haired boys.  It must be because Diane is German. Everyone I want to undress has an accent! What gives?

"She looks classy...like the type of girl you wanna take to the Olive Garden" - My whorish friend Kevin, on dating in college.

Shannyn Sossamon. Yes! An American! She has a very interesting face, I think.

Now for a celeb I am not lusting over, because like I said blondes are not my thang and also I am embarrassed for her upcoming film, One for the Money. However, Katherine redeems herself with her performance in Knocked Up (mostly it’s because I love Seth Rogen) and the creation of this pro-neuter Funny or Die video about balls. Katherine Heigl hates balls!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yF2TyajIL94]

Neuter your pets! Or else! Okay tell me what celebs you’re lusting after. OR maybe you’re way cooler than me and you actually HAVE undressed a celeb, and you can talk about it.

About the author  ⁄ Zoe

Zoe writes about food and sex on SexyTofu.com.

One Comment

  • Reply
    February 2, 2012

    I have several “celebrities” that I’ve crushed on. One is Robert Downey, who I believe to be one of the more underrated actors. Very talented and has kept himself fairly well.

    Another is Helen Hunt. She has a classic beauty and I got to meet her when I was in college. She impressed me in every sense.

    But that’s just me.

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