"A penis has disadvantages in water."

You know when something happens that just blows your brain, causing you to run around your office (dining room) at 6 am after 4 cups of coffee and scream HOWHAVEINOTSEENTHISBEFORE and piss off all your roommates, who wish you would stop waking up so damn early to “be productive.”

Well, that’s what happened to me this morning after watching every Green Porno episode I could find. One of the WWOOFers at my mom’s farm actually told me about Green Porno– Isabella Rossellini’s award-winning series of very short films about the reproductive habits of marine animals– this summer, but because I am so busy I have a 4 month average rate of following up on things.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-zJ1hGm-F8] Green Porno is scientifically on top of things yet hilarious—two components I wish always went hand in hand, or P in V, depending on how frisky the subject matter. The series first began in 2008 and is now three seasons deep, moving on from marine mammals to praying mantis, earthworms and even bedbugs! Where have I been? Educational and captivating, Rossellini is a wizard of sexy science. Like HP’s Hermione playing with beakers in a Gryffindor negligee. Rowr.

To make things even more fantastic, after the success of Green Porno, Rossellini came out with Seduce Me, five two-minute portraits that delve into the bizarre seduction rituals of all types of creatures.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MakIB_IJnu0] Also here is a link to get your “Green Porno” name. I don’t know what that means, exactly, but mine is Miss Abyss. Actually, my preferred porn-star name is Olivia DeLux. Something about all those L’s makes me want to bleach my asshole. No, not really. You couldn’t pay me enough to do that. Actually, yes you could but it would have to be at least enough to cover my student loans. Or dinner. (Just kidding, dad! You can continue breathing now.)

My cat jumped off my lap in terror when Rossellini screams about continued penetration even while her head is being consumed:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXoPLeIIUFY] [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkm3CCX1_xk] [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNdO-hRQgqg] Read More →