No, I am not talking about that fugly paisley button-up your girlfriend bought you for Christmas.

Lying to avoid condoms is as classy as smoking while 6 (okay, 3 1/2) inches deep

Sex was always a topic open to discussion in my family, and so I don’t remember one specific “sex-talk” being delivered. However, I do remember the first actual sex advice my father gave me, which was the “don’t-let-a-guy-talk-you-out-of-condoms” discussion. My father warned me that men might use the excuse “if you love me, you won’t make me wear one.”

I remember being a bit confused by this, because at the time I was with my first “real” boyfriend (I was 16) who was so nervous about contraception that we used not one, not two but THREE different methods. My ladybits were baby-batter proof. We called condoms “weapons of mass destruction.”  It was great way to talk about buying condoms in front of our friends or on the phone. “Make sure to bring over some weapons,” or “Go to the gas station and get some artillery. Also some Flipz. I’m hungry.”

I found my father’s warning to be out-dated and extraneous. In my relationship, it was more “If you love me, you will be on birth control, and let me wear a condom, and let me pull out, and also allow me to ask you if you are pregnant every time you have a headache.”  In this specific case, I had been tested, and my boyfriend was a virgin, so we weren’t worried about STDs, which are of course another reason to layer on the latex.

From my own post-highschool speculation, and information gathered from friends and random women in the gym locker room, I have come to the conclusion that men being more adverse to condoms than women is a myth.  Aside from one story a college roomie told me about a guy trying to distract her while removing the condom mid-hump, I have found men usually agree to wearing a condom, and in fact most of them insist on it. Herpes is not hot.

If a man were to say, “if you love me, you won’t make me wear one,” a good response might be “if you don’t want to spend the next 18 years paying child support, you will wear one.” Or of course, “Oh sure we can skip the condom. You love me so much, you don’t mind a little HPV, right? Chlamydia only burns once in a while…”

While I believe the idea that men will do anything to wiggle out of rubbers is a myth, I don’t think the idea that PEOPLE avoid condoms is untrue. I think BOTH sexes equally abhor condoms, even though they know they are necessary. Sort of like exercise. And dental floss.

Condoms blow, regardless of your sex. They ruin the moment, they smell like a doctor’s office, they dull sensation for men and make women feel like they’re boning the rubber-man. Squeak, squeak, squeak. Also, they’re expensive! But you know what is more expensive? Baby formula. Get over it.

Condom companies are always trying to invent ways to trick consumers into thinking condoms enhance the sexual experience. “Ribbed!” “Warming!” “Menthol!” “FOR HER.” “Will Brainwash Your Man Into Buying You Jewelry.”  Oh wait, that last one was just a headline from Cosmopolitan.  These claims are all lies, and I know just as many women as men who say they would rather do anything—ANYTHING—than wear a condom. So what are the alternatives?

Pulling out is not a particularly fool-proof or intelligent method, but neither is claiming you’re racist to get out of jury duty or chugging cranberry juice to pass a drug-test, and people still do that too.

I personally don’t do oral contraceptives because they aren’t vegan, block your absorption of b12 and pump your body full of weird hormones. I was on birth control for a decade and it actually slowed my sex drive which is sort of counterproductive. In the first few months I went off it, I felt like a 13 year old again! All I wanted to do was dry hump someone’s leg in a basement while watching Big Daddy.   

I don’t trust that weird spermicidal stuff you squirt up in you, and have zero experience with female condoms or diaphragms. Do people under the age of 50 still use diaphragms? Tell me how you feel about condoms.  Found any condoms that make sex MORE fun? A good story about the time you tried to talk your way out of condoms?

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