Let’s see how many dumb euphemisms for anal sex I can come up with. A while back I wrote about a reader who had written to me with questions regarding butt play, and I had recommended that if she is interested in some anal action for beginners she start small—with a finger. She reported back to me that the finger went over fine, and that she is still hoping to one day get comfortable enough to have an actual phallic member in there. Also apparently her boyfriend is quite large, which makes first-time sex of any kind even more painful. So we got on the subject of anal plugs. Anal plugs are the cilantro of the bedroom. You either love it, or hate it. You either want it all over your enchiladas, or you think it tastes like soap and  gag every time you even think about it. Basically, anal plugs are not for the vanilla soft-serve style sexers, but more for the inquisitive mattress mavens—someone who doesn’t find inserting a piece of plastic in their butt uncomfortable (in theory and action).But I mentioned them to my reader-friend, and suggested if that’s something she thinks she is interested in, she should look into a very very small anal plug. She went out and got one of those kits that come with three different sizes so you can ease yourself into it gradually. She told me that even the small seemed pretty large. So, I recommended to her the Pop Plug (size small, of course).

The smallest sized Pop Plug is smaller than a lot of other “small” starter plugs, and it’s pink which makes it seem friendlier, don’t you think? Plus, it’s shaped like a Ring Pop which were all the rage when I was growing up. It is also reminiscent of a pacifier, which gave me a good giggle on the subway the other day as I was ogling a cute baby suckin’ away on one.

Hi! I’m friendly….

Okay but maybe you’re thinking WHY would anyone ever want an anal plug? Often people use them the way my reader is interested—to prep them for a real-life romp in the backyard. But on top of that, anal plugs are popular with hetero couples interested in double penetration. For some women, using an anal plug while their partner is all up inside their ladybits is like chewing a stick of Double Mint Gum.

But, obviously, plugs don’t discriminate based on sex or gender.  The anus (Worst.Word.Ever) is an erogenous zone for both men and women, and so anal stimulation can feel extremely pleasurable if you’re open to it. Let me just clarify that–despite popular misconceptions instilled by, oh, I don’t know, homophobes–a man who enjoys a bit of ass tackling is NOT gay. And if he is-who cares?! It’s called a prostate. We all have them. It’s the  sex of the person he is choosing to have nail his tail that will help you determine his sexuality. Anyway, back to pluggin’ that up… Some people also insert anal plugs and then go about their daily business, which apparently can be interesting. Or they wear an anal plug out on a date as foreplay. SO the next time you see that couple cozying up in the movie theatre, ask yourself “which one of them is wearing the butt plug?”

When choosing a plug, it’s important to get one with a wide base so that it doesn’t get uhm…abducted? (Insert disgusting sound effects…) The Pop Plug has that cute and high-functioning finger loop for easy retrieval. Also they are affordable—ranging from 15-20 bucks a pop.  And just when you think, wow, that butt plug couldn’t get any more appealing, you learn that they are boilable, so you can stay hygienic. Hygiene is important! Just don’t boil it in your room-mates favorite pasta pot. And if you do, don’t tell her about it! Get it here! And, be sure to follow the Number One Rule in any sort of anal play: More lube is ALWAYS a good idea.

Okay, now tell me; have you used a Pop Plug? Did you like it? Worn an anal plug on a date? Think they are horrible? Worst invention ever? Do you like cilantro? Did you count how many different ways I referred to anal sex without saying “anal sex?”

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Love is lovely. I would choose the feeling of being in love over any other high in the world. My experience with hard drugs is limited (read: nonexistent) but I still stand firmly behind the previous statement.

Last week, one of my closest friends called me to tell me Surprise! She Is In Love. She lives a few time zones away, so we don’t get to catch up as much as I would like. As we squeed over the details (you know, the high-pitched sound a group of girls make when excited. Squeeeeeeeeee!) I was impressed to learn that she has known him only three weeks. Now all you pessimists out there are going PPFFFFFT, but this is my space, and so I don’t really care what you think. (I do! I do care! Please praise me in the comments section.) Although I have never fallen in love in three weeks, I do believe it’s possible. My grandparents knew each other for two weeks before my grandfather asked my grandmother to marry him. They were married until they were old and pruney.

Anyway, I proceeded to ask friend the Two Most Important Questions that follow after that “Tell me what he is like” exchange: 1. What is he like in the bedroom? And 2. What is he like in the kitchen? This is important stuff.

So my friend told me that her man is “perfect.” I told her there is no such thing as perfect and she disagreed.

I have no idea what this is but it came up under Google images when I searched "Perfect"

The dictionary describes perfect as entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings.

When it comes to people, there is no such thing as “perfect.” We are complex; in our complexity, we are certain to have flaws. When you really love someone, you love their flaws, but that does not mean they are flawless. You know you have found someone special when you really, truly, love them for their flaws. I have a really romantic term for this: Loving their shit. I haven’t loved that many people’s shit. Usually, it stinks and I just look the other way when it bubbles up to the surface. But you know you have it good when someone can act completely and utterly disgusting, or self-centered, or arrogant, and you love them not in despite of it, but because of it. You love them for their humanity.

I know that when my friend called her new guy perfect, she meant he is perfect for her–that she loves his imperfections–and that is legitimate. What constitutes “perfection,” or what we look for in an ideal partner, changes from person to person. Those imperfections you find endearing might be extremely grating to someone else.

Some might think that this is what the perfect man might look like:

Others  might think this is:

Funny with hipster glasses and face-scruff? Sign me up for that ride!

Some might think this is the idea of a perfect romantic gesture:

Others might think this is:

Some might think this is the perfect romantic day:

who the heck wears khaki pants at their wedding?

Others might think this is:

Paintball! Romance for those with anger issues

Some might think this is the perfect surprise gift:

Others  might think this is:
 

Fuck You, Hallmark

And even more others might think this is:

"Aren't Hitachi Magic Wands the Porsches of vibrators?" - My Dad

Dammit, now I’ve lost my point with fun visual references. There really is no “perfect” person. They don’t exist. If they did, they wouldn’t ever eat too much Indian food and have bad gas, or drink too much and pass out before you’re done but after they’ve finished. They would never get over-emotional during those heart-breaking SPCA commercials (Damn you, Sarah McLachlan) or get drunk and accuse you of being a slut because they are worried their predecessors have superior mattress skills. Whoops.

If you keep holding out for “Perfect,” you will end up like Gretchen, here:


To recap, this is what I told my friend: No such thing as perfect; everyone has flaws. But hopefully you can find someone whose flaws entertain and amuse you, and who feels the same about you too. Hopefully. Don’t hold me to that, what do I know?  So, what is your idea of perfect? Do you love someone’s shit? I wanna know!

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Look Ma! Teeth!

This is my second Bloggers Unite post, about a blending of blogging between me and my friend Nick, music, film, TV and pop culture enthusiast from The Littlest Winslow. Nick is on an Epic Film Quest to watch every single movie that has ever won a Best Picture award. The way our united blogging occurs is we watch a movie and eat some food and then we both write about it! Last time I wrote about watching the movie Rebecca and eating Green Papaya Salad.

This time, we watched Rain Main and I cooked up a vegan meal of Thrice Fried Rice for Nick (and his lovely fiancé Em tried it, too). You see, Nick is not a vegan but his lady does like to eat healthy, which means he also eats healthy often. We also share a love for spicy food, so we knew our dish had to be kickin’. Nick is sort of skeptical about veganism, which he has admitted he thinks is trendy now. (For once, I got into something two years BEFORE the trend, instead of two years AFTER. ) So, I wanted to hypothetically tear off his pants with the awesomeness of delicious vegan eating. He will be blogging about this, and about his experience with vegan food. You should read his blog post, or else!

While we cooked, we jammed to Bif Naked–super foxyfresh vegan canadian rocker–as a pre-game of sorts because I will be interviewing her next week! Eee! She is so cool and I can’t wait. Nick turned me on to her so I have him to thank. THANKS, NICK.

Here is the recipe for my Thrice Fried Rice. Why thrice? Because I fry the tofu twice before adding it to the rice and refrying. Also, we watched Rain Man. I love Dustin Hoffman but Tom Cruise is basically the worst actor EVER and his performance in this movie was predictably despicable.

Get in me!

Thrice Fried Rice
Serves 4/prep time: 15 minutes/ Cook time: 20-30 minutes

You Will Need:

2 cups cooked brown rice
1 block extra firm tofu, cut into cubes
2 carrots, roughly chopped
1 cup peas (frozen is fine!)
1 yellow onion, roughly chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 ½ cups mushrooms, roughly chopped
1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger (or 1 teaspoon dried ginger)
2 tablespoons fresh chopped basil (or 1 1/2 teaspoons dried)
1 tablespoon cumin
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional)
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes
2-3 tablespoons low-sodium soy sauce or tamari
2 tablespoons Earth Balance or your favorite vegan spread
oil for frying

Helpful tips:
If you press your tofu first, it will brown quicker.

Cooking your rice the day before (or night before, if you have a rice cooker!) makes this dish take less time.

To Make:

Step one
Put 1 tablespoon of oil in a wok or large pan, heat over medium high. Add cubed tofu and brown on all sides, stirring often to keep from burning, 5-8 minutes.

Step two
Remove tofu and put on a plate lined with paper towels.  Blot with more paper towels and let cool for 2-3 minutes. Then, put another tablespoon of oil into wok and repeat step one. In the last minute of frying, add 1 tablespoon soy sauce. Cook, then remove. Tofu will be crisp and golden!

Step two! It's good to look scared while cooking.

Step three
Remove tofu again. Put Earth Balance in wok and add carrots and onion. Sautee until onion is translucent and carrots are just beginning to soften—not mushy! About 3-4 minutes. Stir constantly to prevent burning.

Step four
Add mushrooms, peas, garlic and all spices to pan. Cook 2-3 minutes.

Step five
Add rice, tofu, rest of soy sauce and mix well. Cook 5-8 minutes.

Step five. Rice art!

Voila! Swoon to the crooning of Bif Naked.  Enjoy your meal doused in Sriracha or your favorite hot sauce. Watch a good movie with a bad actor in good company.

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If this doesn’t make you at least a bit fuzzy I worry about your ability to feel emotion (Photo by Nilesh J. Bhange. www.nileshbhange.com)

 

Thanks to all who entered my First Ever Contest, where I asked you all to send me your favorite sexy meal suggestion, your favorite pre or post sex ritual and/or try to pick me up on Twitter with an awesome one liner.

The winner from the comment entries was too hard for me to decide so I went to Random.org for a random number.


The winner was reader Angela, who I will be emailing as soon as I finish posting this!

Her response?

A Sexy dinner would be papperdell pasta with a creamy vegan white sauce, because the way it slides across your tongue and its thick and wide. Its easy to make dirty talk when eating this. For presex fun, my husband and I go to coconut oil (extra virgin…lol!) for slippery good times.

From the Twitter entries, the prize goes to @sweetpotato222 for her winning pick up line:


The fact that this is her ONLY tweet and I am pretty sure she created a Twitter account just to Tweet me  basically won me over. Plus she is clever and hot and I am shallow and easily impressed. Boom!

The winners are going to receive packages from me including my favorite Astroglide products, my favorite Blossom Organics products, and my favorite Filthy Farmgirl products, which I have reviewed in the Stuff I Get Off On section.

Stay tuned for another contest! Want to see if I get off on your products? Send them my way so I may shamelessly endorse you! Gotta love a hobby that pays in lube…

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Celebs Agree, Veganism Makes You Better In Bed
Well, at least one celeb.  Jason Mraz wrote in his blog that he has been a vegan for the past 4 months, and on top of feeling stronger, fitter and more productive, he is also better in bed! Not sure where he is accruing his data or what, exactly, he means by “better” but I would love to get the opinion of his fiancé, Tristan Prettyman (who has a fantastic last name).

Condoms Conquer Porn
It’s finally happened; the LA City Council has given last approval to a city ordinance requiring porn stars to wear condoms while getting freaky on film. This ordinance has been lurking for years, backed by the Los Angeles-based AIDS Healthcare Foundation. While safe sex isn’t what you think of when you hear “porn,” hopefully it will help to deter the commonly held POV that if you bleach your asshole you’re impervious to HIV.

Check out Ron Jeremy’s take on it.

“Donkey Punch” Makes Debut as  Answer on Jeopardy
Okay well sort of but not really..
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AorrF2ATGtA]

Dry Humping, Otherwise Known as “Sandwich Dancing,” makes way to White House

A funny account from the Onion reported that a “meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior Department assessing dry humping as a suitable sex alternative for teenagers,” landed on the desks of  White House officials last week.  Apparently, officials are confused because no one mandated this heavily researched report. Let me tell you, that this is not a new trend. As someone who still FEELS like a teenager, my memories of humping someone’s leg in a basement do not seem so distant. I spewed coffee out of my nose when I read the following about the trend of  ”sandwich dancing.” This activity occurs when two partners interlock legs and grind their genitals together in rhythm with popular music. Read it here.

Bill Gates Says “Embrace GMOs or Starve”
Gates, who has spent millions fighting to end hunger and poverty in Africa and Asia, makes a statement that if countries  do not embrace modern agriculture (ie, genetically modified crops), their citizens will starve. Bummersauce. I’m sure the organic produce industry is thrilled. Gates sort of saves face by addressing that yes, GMOs can be dangerous–and then  he likens them to drugs. Hmmmm.  

“I think the right way to think about GMOs is the same way we think about drugs,” Gates said in an interview. “Whenever someone creates a new drug, you have to have very smart people looking at lots of trial-based data to make sure the benefits far outweigh any of the dangers.

“You can’t be against all drugs, but drugs in general are not safe.”

Read it on Huffington Post.

And just because it’s Wednesday, here is a photo of cupcakes that look like vaginas. No, I did not make them, and no, I doubt they are vegan, but they sure are uhm, creative.

I found these at pantiesupskirtdown.wordpress.com – I am smitten with you, @DangerousLee!
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This is a sample size, and actually is quite tiny. Pocket sized!

What’s better than organic personal care products? Organic personal care products for your ladyparts! And by “personal care” I mean “will give you an orgasm.” That’s caring, right? I am really into this Pure Pleasure Arousal Gel from Blossom Organics, but I will admit I was nervous to try it because I had read mixed reviews on it. Some said it was ah-ahh-ahhhmazing, while others went all Smeagol with their feedback—“It burns!”

Also I am skeptical of “arousal gels” in general because the directions always read something like  “put on your clitoris and rub.” I could put hair gel on my clitoris and if I rubbed long enough I am pretty sure it would lead to arousal.  But I was excited to try this out anyway.

I have come to the decision that those who didn’t enjoy the tingling, mentholy sensation probably have really sensitive skin. I do not—I’m tough like ox. The gel made my ladyparts feel like they had had about 4 cups of coffee—super alert and aware. Every sensation was intensified, and game-time took about half as long as it normally would. When I was done, my boyfriend (thanks for guinea pigging with me, you wonderful man) asked how the product  was and I am pretty sure I mumbled something half-coherent like “liquid sex crack!”

Now this is where it went a little loopy. You know how you’re supposed to pee after sex so you don’t get a UTI? If you didn’t know that, you know it now. Well, in the bathroom post test-run, I happened to look in the mirror and noticed something peculiar. I had a large, man-sized red handprint on my arm. I  looked down to notice fingerprints on my thighs. While nothing hurt, and there was no red marks around my girlygoods (I told you, tough like ox) anywhere non-genital that the product had touched my skin was raised and red. If I hadn’t looked in the mirror and had just passed out in sweaty post-gasmy euphoria, I never would have noticed. This side effect is not enough to keep me from recommending the product, and it is certainly not enough to stop me from using it because like I said, liquid sex crack.

Wanna try it? Get it here! Also, I will be giving away a sample in my Stuff I Get Off On give-away contest which you can enter until tomorrow, Wednesday the 25th!

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Oh, I know what you’re thinking: Mmmm, kale for breakfast! No? Well you should be. It’s harder for me to get my daily raw greens in the winter, when it’s cold and wet outside and I naturally crave warm, spicy food.  So a kale smoothie in the morning guarantees a serving before I even get my toes out the door. Here is my winter kale smoothie. I warn you that this is not a hide-your-veggies type of smoothie; it tastes like kale. Follow the optional substitution suggestions if you want a sweeter drink.

Serves 2/Prep Time 5 minutes/Cook Time 2 minutes

2 cups cleaned chopped kale
1 ripe banana
1 apple, roughly chopped
1  cup coconut water
* Optional Substitution: if you want a sweeter smoothie, sub 1 piece fruit (pear, apple, etc..) for 1 cup kale, or add 2 teaspoon agave. Personally, I like the kale flavor.

Step one
Put all ingredients in the blender and blend until incorporated. Some pulsing may be necessary. Kale can be pretty cantankerous.

Step two
Pour into a glass and enjoy. That’s all folks!

So how do you enjoy your kale? And check out more ways I eat kale on www.iEatGrass.com, the awesome pop-vegan culture site put out by Ayinde Howell, the brilliant vegan chef who made me the best  pancakes, veg sausage and Mac-N-Yease this weekend. You da best, Ayinde! (I say that like the Italian chef from Lady and the Tramp, in case you were wondering.)

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These boots are made for tramplin...

Today is National Fetish Day! The third Friday of the year! In celebration, I am sharing an interview with a trampler. That is, a lovely lady who is married to a man with a trampling fetish. While the interviewee is not exactly a fetishist herself, she is the boot-wearer! Ahhh, the things we do for love! Kidding–sounds like she doesn’t exactly mind her hub’s shoe and trample fetish. Read on as I talk to Yvonne, a vegan with an extensive boot collection she has dubbed “bedroom boots.” Of course, her boots are vegan, too!

ST:Okay so you say your hubby has a shoe and trampling fetish? So he likes when you both wear hot shoes, and when you walk on him?
Yvonne: Yup! He’s pretty specific actually—he likes it best if he’s stark naked and I’m all dolled up with the cherry on top being a pair of boots. I mean like serious boots.  I have maybe 1 pair that I could wear out on the street if I really wanted, but all the rest are pretty much like stripper boots with giant platforms, or pleather with spike heels that go thigh-high.  These are dedicated bedroom boots that we have specifically for that. He picked most of em out, and I gave the final yea or nay vote.  I should also clarify that he’s below me masturbating pretty much the whole time.

Hot. Bedroom boots! Love that term. So how did he first introduce his fetish to you?
Gosh, it’s been so long now I can’t really remember…. I know that when we first started dating years ago he complimented a pair of 40′s-style wedges I had on, and I had a side thought that maybe he didn’t play for my team, ha!. Then over the course of our relationship I got to know what he prefers—he hates flats, likes heels over wedges, and boots more than anything.  Obviously I’ll wear whatever the hell I want, but it’s nice to know what turns him on when we go on a date so I can make a little effort when I pick an outfit.  I honestly can’t remember when he asked me to step on him while wearing boots, but I think we might have had a very frank conversation about what turns us on in the bedroom and he came right out and said it.

Were you open to it?
Totally!  Nothing unsanitary is involved and it’s consensual, so I was down.  Er…. up.

Now you say this is mostly his fetish; do you like it at all, or is it just getting him off that gets you off?
I do like being able to demand that he do anything I want and be a real bitch- sometimes it actually helps me vent my frustrations. At times it does get a bit repetitive, almost like a couple doing the same missionary-style thing over and over.  But we’ve found ways to change it up or do things different, and it also depends on what kind of mood I’m in.  His big thing is that he doesn’t want to do it unless I’m into it too, which is great.  I have to say my favorite part is when he climaxes, and I LOVE watching him from up above. So it’s basically 100 percent his thing, but I do get a little something out of it. As far as it turning me on, it doesn’t really.

What is his favorite kind of shoe for you to put on?
Boots!  Done.  Next question!

Hah alright then. On what part of his body to you walk?
Mostly I just stand over him and use one of my legs to poke and prod, but occasionally I’ll take a few steps on him, usually on his upper thighs, stomach, or chest.  I’ll also kick him, and he likes it when I demand he do things like massage my legs or kiss the bottom of the boot.

Do you walk on him with the shoes on only, or are you ever barefoot?
I don’t think I’ve ever done it barefoot, haha.

Have you ever left stiletto punctures on him?
Yea, I’ve left little bruises and marks before.  I saw them the next day and honestly got a little worried, but he said he was fine and that he liked it because it reminded him of how it got there and consequently turned him on.

Trampling can be a bit sadomasochistic, especially if you get into stomping. How far do you take it?
We really don’t take it too far, although I do have some whips and things from the early days, but I haven’t used those in a while and it doesn’t turn him on that much.  We’re like “BDSM-lite.”

BDSM-lite, that’s great. Fluffy! Anything else I should know about the fetish?
We’ve done a whole variety of things in the past like acted out scenes, or sometimes I’ll dance, which can be dangerous depending on what pair I have on.  I’ve rolled my ankle more than a few times, but no serious injuries! His newest thing is he likes to watch me get ready and put on makeup.

Wanna talk about your fetish? Leave it in the comments! Want to be interviewed for Fetish Friday? Email me at Sexytofublog (at) yahoo! Do it.

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Served over brown rice with steamed kale. Get in me! Or not. We can just be friends. That's cool, too...

Last night I was inspired by an unused spice in my spice cabinet—ground mustard seeds, aka mustard powder. I had never cooked with it before, so I started poking around in my fridge and pantry and this is what I came up with.

Chickpea and Mushroom Mustard Curry

Serves: 3/ Prep time: 10 minutes/ Cook time: 20-25 minutes

What You Will Need:

1 Tbsp E.V.O.O

1 Tbsp Earth Balance

3 Tbsp tomato paste

1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar

1 onion, diced

1 clove garlic, minced

2 cups mixed mushrooms—I used oyster, shitake and cremini

1 1/2 cups cooked chickpeas

2 cups  veggies, roughly chopped—I used carrots, peas and green beans but improvise as you wish.

1 Tbsp curry powder

1 Tbsp cumin

¼ Tsp mustard powder

½ Tsp black pepper

½ Tsp cayenne pepper

Dash salt

To Make:

Step One
Add olive oil and Earth Balance to a medium sized saucepan, turn on medium heat.

Step Two
Once Earth Balance is melted, add onion and sauté until translucent. Add onion, cook stirring for 2-3 minutes until fragrant.  

Step Three
Add chopped veggies and tomato paste, cook 3-4 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Step Four
Add chickpeas , mushrooms, cider vinegar and all spices. Cook 3-4 minutes. Turn down heat, cover and let cook for 10-12 minutes, stirring occasionally to prevent burning.

Serve over brown rice or whole grain of choice.

Note: I’m cooking again! As in, actually being inspired to prepare a meal–not juice it or assemble it. Perhaps that means I am over my quarter-life crisis, which for some reason I have associated with Summer and Fall of 2011, when I stopped wanting to spend time in my kitchen,  the majority of my calories came from Ketel One and peanut butter and I had a habit of oversharing.

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I am excited to be holding the first-ever contest here on SexyTofu! I have some amazing sexy stuff to give out, all products featured in Stuff I Get Off On. There are two ways to win, and two winners will be chosen; feel free to enter both ways to up your chances. Winners will get a fun SexyTofu approved box filled with Astroglide products, soap from Filthy Farmgirl’s raunch line, and a few other surprise goodies. Here are the following ways you can win:

Entry One:
- Subscribe to SexyTofu over there on the right!
- Follow me on Twitter @SexyTofuBlog and tweet me an all-star pick up line (get creative!) with #Contest in it so I know what you’re after, and the following shortlink so that you spread the SexyTofu love : http://wp.me/pJxw4-AB

Entry Two:
In the comments section below, tell me one (or both) of the following:

- Your favorite pre or post sex ritual. This can be as stereotypical as the post-gasm cigarette (bad bad cancer!) or an inventive way you and your partner get steamed up or cooled down. Rituals can be simple, like saucy pillow talk, or inventive. Ever thought about dumping warm noodles all over your naked body? Want your lady to go down on you while you watch Godzilla on a projector screen? What?! Some people have vivid imaginations and really nice butts. Get creative!

- The go-to meal you would prepare for someone you are trying to impress, because we all know that—aside from nurturing your body and enjoying delicious food—the main reason you like to cook is to impress people. Especially people you are hoping to sleep with. I’m onto you!

Contest will run from today until Wednesday the 25th! Check back on the 26th to see the winner.

I encourage you to try and come up with the most interesting, creative answer possible. Or you could make up a bold-faced lie—I will probably never know.

..Not this kind of contest

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