If you are my friend, then you have probably gotten a text/message/e-mail/phone call/in-person wide-eyed plea that goes something like “I need a sex topic. Please.” Sometimes, if I have an idea in mind and am conducting research, my inquiries are more intrusive; “ What’s the weirdest thing someone has said to you in bed?” or “Hypothetically speaking, if you are wrapped in a 6 foot Boa during sex does that constitute beastiality?” or “Are you a grower or a shower?” or “Is your muffin buttered?”
I got 5 hours of sleep last night, plus an extra 40 minutes on the train home from NYC, so the point of this part of the rant is that I am feeling sleepy and uninspired today. After 3 cups of coffee and no inspiration, I turned to a friend for ideas. “Give me a sex topic,” I demanded via FB chat. And he did! So without further ado, here are 5 ways your body will betray you during sex.
1. Premature Ejaculation—this is a bummer for all parties involved, but it happens. Sometimes—whether it’s because you’re tired or really REALLY excited or you haven’t gotten off in a while—your body betrays you and your baby batter goes all sea biscuit. He was fast, right? I think I read somewhere (Oh I am so scientific) that premature ejaculation counts as anything under two minutes, and that the average man lasts about 100 thrusts. Men, when this happens, instead of being embarrassed and immediately falling asleep in a puddle of your own humiliation, just make sure your lady-friend gets off and I promise she won’t care you came earlier than an elderly couple at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
2. Bodily Eruptions—our bodies are gross bags of fluid and hormones. Seriously, we are nearly all water and chemicals and hot gas. Sometimes we have to burp/fart/sneeze, and sometimes we have to do it while we are trying to be all sexy. Life just isn’t fair. When this happens, try to ease the situation by making a joke out of it. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen, because you both know it did, and that will just get awkward. Also, in lady-cases, the worst of all worst noises—and one that is sometimes unavoidable—is the dreaded queef. Unlike a fart, there is just no way to hold that in, because it’s just some air that got trapped in your tubes while you were boning away. Bummer.
3. Whiskey Dick—or the female equivalent, Vodka Vag. Ew. Sometimes you drink past the point of frisk and your body betrays you by putting you in the mood and then making you unable to perform. Basically, you’re too drunk for sufficient oxygen to flow to your sexpieces and depending on your sex you either can’t get it up or can’t get sufficiently, erm, moist. When this happens, either enlist the help of some serious lube (if you have a vagina) or just cuddle instead. Everyone likes a good drunk cuddle. Sex it up in the morning to cure a hang-over. Okay, not really, but at least you got to have sex at some point.
4. Blood. Like your ex boyfriend, your period always shows up when it isn’t wanted, making for awkward situations but great stories at brunch the next day. Or maybe it isn’t your period but for some reason you start to randomly bleed all over the sheets of the guy you’re seeing who freaks out and insists on washing them immediately and then complains when the stains set because he is an idiot and washed them in hot water. Also, I had an ex who was prone to nose-bleeds in the winter. I am not sure which was worse; the time he got a bloody nose all over my face while making out with me, or the time he got a bloody nose while going down on me. I think he was more traumatized than I was; I’ve been seeing a bloody vagina for one week of the month for the past decade, although I will admit it’s a little more un-nerving when it isn’t your blood.
5. Your Stupid Brain—I feel like this is the biggest way your body can betray you during sex, although technically it‘s more of your mind committing treason than anything else. Not sure about you all, but I know personally that I can be completely in the mood, working up some steam, and then before I know it I am flat on my back but instead of enjoying myself I am running through my to-do list or thinking about that obnoxious thing my friend said over drinks last night. Not only am I wasting a perfectly good sex sess., but there is zero chance of me having an orgasm when I am too busy worrying about getting fired for the things I post on the internet to notice that someone is enthusiastically tonguing my ladybits.
Okay so how does your body betray you when you’re trying to have sex? Tell me your embarrassing stories, please! Oh, and feel free to weigh in on the whole Boa/beastiality question posed above…I promise not to call PETA.