I Have Sexy Issues With the Word Vagina


Now before I get into this topic I want to preface: I think in most cases it’s good to use anatomically correct terms when discussing our bits and pieces. If I have kids, my daughter won’t be calling her vulva her “front bum” or what have you. Vulva, vagina–it’s important to use and be comfortable with these terms. However, I do have a bit of a problem with these terms in bed. And it seems I’m not the only one.

Last weekend I moseyed down south to go to my college roomie’s wedding and see all my lovely friends  that I miss when I am in Connecticut.  At midnight on Saturday I found myself cozied up with my man, my friend Hannah and her boyfriend, Jesse, sitting on old church pews in a super cool divey pizza place/bar eating this amazing vegan pizza covered in tofu and spicy Thai sauce. As if eating vegan pizza with my beloveds at a bar at midnight (in Virgina, of all places) wasn’t amazing enough, we then kicked it up a notch by talking about vaginas.

Actually, we began talking about how no one talks about vaginas, in the bedroom that is. They are the Lord Voldermort of the boudoir. They go un-named. They become an “it.”

While male sex organs have tons of cool words that are fun to say and sound sexy—my favorite is cock! What a fun word!—women are doomed to have a private part that sounds like a nasty sickness. “I have a terrible case of vagina. I’ve been in the bathroom all day.” I have a big thing against certain words (moist! Blech!) and in my opinion, the word vagina isn’t sexy, and so no one who is trying to be sexy is going to utter the word vagina in bed. I know that’s very anti-woman of me, but it’s true. I will not be turned on if someone starts describing all the things they want to do to my vagina.

The friends I was with agreed. After running through a list of possible alternatives (Vulva? Too clinical. Beaver? Not mainstream enough) we decided the only word men ever really use to name a vagina while trying to get in a vagina is “pussy,” and I HATE that word. Okay sorry, hate is for hitler, but really, “pussy” reminds me of a creepy Spanish porno where the only word that I understand is pussy and everyone is sweating too much. Not that I watch many of those, but I have an active imagination.

The Blood Hound Gang’s Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo (that spells fuck, for anyone who can’t understand the military-style phonetic alphabet) has lots of fun and very creative alternatives for vagina–and penis, but penis already has enough fun names. Stop being greedy!  The BHG song includes names such as the squish mitten, ham wallet, pudding hatch and my all time fav, the bitch wrinkle.

However, I don’t think anyone would utter any of those in bed, either. So unless you are ballsy enough to say “pussy” in bed (my boyfriend isn’t, nor would I want him to be because it would make me gag), or want to sound like a middle school health teacher and say vagina, the lady bits will forever go unmentioned between the sheets.

What do you call a vagina in bed? Do you just call it a vagina? Am I being ridiculous? Please do share.

About the author  ⁄ Zoe

Zoe writes about food and sex on SexyTofu.com.

8 Comments

  • Reply
    cera
    July 15, 2011

    my boyfriend and i had this same issue! you could try giving your lady bits a funny nickname or asking your boyfriend to name them for you… i know it sounds kinda sketch and weird but you’re basically creating an inside joke between the two of you that you’re meant to giggle at. it adds a cute/funny/playful element to your bedroom adventures and (hopefully) alleviates the awkward factor…

  • Reply
    December 12, 2011

    We seemed to have the same issue, when attempting to find a more sensual word for Vagina… There really wasn’t much.

    We settled on Kitty.

    I find Pussy to be appropriate when fucking and not making love.

    • Reply
      mary
      December 12, 2011

      my hubs calls it my kitty kat,can i put my car in your garage,can i put my hotdog in your bun that was a good one for the word fuck mine for sluts is Super Ladies Under The Sheets

  • Reply
    Madison A. Bell
    February 22, 2012

    Vagina is a fine word (so is penis) and I think if this blog post was simply the word “vagina vagina vagina vagina” written out two hundred times, it’d be more helpful than it is now. Saying vagina is a yucky word will just make people more confident that it’s yucky, that you have to use euphemisms. It’s just a word! It’s a word that means a specific thing.

    In addition, there are also good words that aren’t vagina that you can use for different moods or to imply a slightly different thing. You can talk about your vulva if you want to be stroked or licked, your labia if you want them spread or stimulated. In addition, I can only recall one or two instances where I needed to talk about my vagina, the hole, specifically. The vast majority of the time, when I’m telling a partner to do something to my genitals, I’m talking about my clitoris, which I refer to by that name or simply as my clit. But in those cases when I tell someone to finger me or fuck me, I’m pretty confident that I don’t need to tell them to do it “in my vagina,” so is this even enough of a problem that you want to change the way we as a culture refer to an entire body part?

    Euphemisms are fine for roleplay or for moodplay, but you’re making a hasty generalization when you say that everyone finds this word off putting. Not only that, but you’re making it worse, because people who’ve never had a problem with “vagina” will read this and think, “Oh no, I probably grossed out my partners all those times I talked about my vagina. I bet they were disgusted and hate me! I’d better never say that again.” And then you get adults of all sexes running around talking about how they want someone’s Spock in their Kittie or how they want to stick their Meatlance in someone’s Woo-hoo and then their partners feel like they shouldn’t take advantage of these poor, sheltered saps whose sex drive is so delicate it collapses when they hear three syllables.

    • Reply
      February 22, 2012

      Good point. I agree that one should call a vagina whatever they’re comfortable calling it. No one should feel unnecessarily self-conscious. Whatever gets your swag on. But for me, I really just hate the word. I also hate the word secrete, and moist, and swig, and although they mean completely arbitrary things, I do not like the way they sound! Same goes for vagina. Vagina vagina vagina ;)

  • Reply
    June 19, 2012

    What’s wrong with “cunt?” We really need to embrace that word more, I think.

    • Reply
      June 19, 2012

      Cunt is too violent. Clit is good but only describes, well, the clit!

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